Continued Growth..

The last few months have been a bit crazy for me to say the least. I’ve spent much time reflecting and identifying things in my life that need to change. These are things I’ve thought I should change for some time now and on occasion have actually attempted to change them but have to say typically change becomes too much work for me or to overwhelming and I fall back into old patterns. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I’ve been consistent with this change for the past few months. I continue to work hard on identifying my own thinking errors and working actively to change those or address them. I’ve jokingly said the last few months have been experimentation and practice for me and what I mean by that is it’s been practice to do something different. To hold back sometimes what I think or feel which most of you know I don’t tend to do that very often. I’ve identified a lot of things from past relationships that didn’t work that I thought worked in the relationship but now that I’ve gotten some distance and some healing around it know that these things are not things I can compromise on. I struggle with those internal messages that I’m not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, don’t make enough money, am not successful enough or that I just don’t have anything to offer. What I’ve discovered is I am enough and that this idea that love is about what I have to offer, give or how much I can do for someone is not what love is. I grew up in a conditional love environment and from my childhood abuse learned at a very early age that positive regard and rewards and good feelings came from what I could do for someone rather than just ME. I’ve learned so much the last few months through reading and journaling and therapy of course about just how much my abuse continues to affect me in my present in so many areas. My goal as become reclaiming my life and not allowing my abuser to continue to have control over me and the decisions I make. To break down those messages programmed into me at an early age and just realize that I am enough that I do have a lot to offer myself and someone else and that I also don’t have to be in a relationship to get that feeling of fulfillment. It’s something I actually need to have on my own in order to be in a healthy relationship. I can honestly say that what I’ve been through has made the person I am today and I’m pretty good with the person I am today. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but for the most part I feel positive and encouraged and have for a few months now and it hasn’t gone away like I feared in the beginning.. I’m happy today I accept that my future is unknown at this time and am at peace with that. It’s a good feeling. I want to continue this journey of growth and learn as much as I can and focus on being the best man I can be. I’ve had a burning desire to write lately and want to publish a book so I’m actively working on an outline and ideas of what I want it to be about. I’m hopeful that someday I will be a published author and what an incredible gift that would be. I’m putting it out there because it’s something I feel passionate about it and am excited about.

Today I’m encouraged, positive and excited about life!

Frustration. Insanity. Bleh

I find myself frustrated once again tonight.. Possible because I continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. For years I have made excuses and justified behaviors for certain people in my life and the older I get the more and more exhausting this becomes. I want to be able to have a reasonable expectations of certain people or persons in my life and for them to put their own selfishness and wants aside for once and be the person they are agreeing to be when they enter into certain situations/obligations. I’m tired of being second and having my needs questioned because of their own personal wants, beliefs, desires. I deserve a little more. I’ve spent much of my life defending and making excuses and I’m exhausted. I reach out and as long as it’s on their terms it’s welcomed but any expectations will almost always lead to a big fat let down. I hope that when I’m in this situation I will handle things different. I believe in choices.. I believe that we all have choices daily and can choose to change or not to change. Why can this person see and show compassion to strangers but not to their own? What’s that about? I’m glad that I didn’t take on this characteristic or make this choice. I’m proud that I’m compassionate and can put others needs above my own. Where I learned this I’m not sure my role models have not been the greatest. I’ve always said they did the best they could and look at where they came from. Well fuck that. I’m tired of being the one that gets the shit end of the stick because I don’t want to rock the boat or hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve spent so much time over the last few years developing good solid friendships and getting rid of the trash but this situation has to be handled differently. I find myself extremely frustrated and angry at the fact that the control seems to be ever present and so real. People that have never met are suddenly concerned about impressions and judgments and that’s just fucked up. I’m exhausted by it all. I feel like my spirit has been pissed on and my energy has been zapped. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I make this choice? I can only change me and hope for others to adjust or change or go away. None of that has happened so far. For once I want to be able to depend on them for unconditional love but yet again I’m reminded their needs are more important than mine or maybe I’m just not worth the trouble it takes to change. Why do even care? What’s this hold? Fuck. Frustrated. Grow up be the person others see in every relationship in your life not just the easy ones. Be an adult, a friend, a sister, a brother a parent. Just fucking do it! Put someone beside yourself first for once! I’m exhausted and good night.

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived GingerMan

This weekend I spent most of the weekend home as well as today and had plenty of time to reflect and think about where I am in my life at the moment. This year has been a challenging year to say the least. November will be a year that I opened my business and although it’s been challenging and continues to be all and all it’s been pretty successful. I’m still not in a comfortable place just do to the inconsistency of it but to be able to open up and have a steady stream of clients speaks volumes. I’m still looking and considering something part-time for a steady income but nothing has come my way yet.

One thing it’s given me is a tremendous amount of time which anyone that knows me knows this is not a good thing for me. Today I had a thought that maybe God put me in this situation and gave me this time to reflect and heal which I have to say I’ve done more reflecting then healing I think.. My time has not been spent doing productive things. It started out productive but know I’ve just gotten in the bad habit of staying up late and sleeping until I have to get up and be somewhere. Some might call this depression I choose to call it poor time management.

What I’m learning about myself is that I can be alone and ok. I spent a few months being a little wild and crazy (for me anyways) and feel like things are settling down again. I’ve started running and losing weight and feeling good about myself. I’m trying to listen to the feedback I’m getting from people and practicing thought dropping to rid myself of the negative thinking and critical thinking errors I have about myself, my body and my life at the moment. This has all been productive and healthy in my opinion. I still have good days and bad but the good days are becoming more then the bad which is good!

I’ve learned that I don’t want to settle. I’ve been there and done that and I’m walking around with my eyes wide open these days. I know what I want and am willing to wait as long as necessary and if I don’t get it then I’ll be ok.. I couldn’t say that a few months ago. I’ve learned that I’m worth so much more then I give myself credit for and that I have a lot to offer to my clients, friends, family and ultimately a partner. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger the last few months and for this I’m thankful and proud!

For me not having a job that I go to set hours every day and getting a regular paycheck every two weeks is a challenge. I’m about focusing and moving up career wise and this past year has taught me that risk are worth taking and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I’ll survive. Luckily for the most part it’s working pretty well.

Today I’m still struggling with the time and feeling alone at times but realizing that it’s ok to feel that embrace it and tomorrow brings a new day. I’m ok where I am. I’m content and engaged in my life and excited about what the future holds. I realize I’m not in control and although frustrating at times I want to trust the process. Learning to change my thinking and actions has been difficult and continues to be difficult but for each thinking error I let go of I feel like I grow that much stronger as a person.

I’m encouraged today and focused on being the best counselor, brother, son, friend and boyfriend (someday) I can be. I choose to believe that I am both lovable and capable of love and worthy of incredible things. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to focus on that and not the other junk. My goal is to clean house emotionally and change some of my ways. I’m also going to clean out my closet and garage! Just seems right..

Much Love! ~J

Forgiveness

Today I discovered I have the power. I’ve gotten glimpses of this power in the past but I was reminded today during therapy that it’s up to me to decide what is best for my life. So that said I’m letting go. I’ve held on for a few months to the hope that things would work out all along the way thinking today’s the day that it changes. The truth is if it changed today I’m not sure that I would want it after this amount of time and heart ache. My therapist says I should work on forgiveness which is difficult because I keep avoiding anger because to me if I get angry that means I’m a step closer to acceptance which I don’t feel ready for. However, what I keep reminding myself of is that I deserve better. Not to say that he’s not good enough we just unfortunately aren’t good enough for the other. I’m sad still at the thought of letting go of something I’ve held onto for 10 years. The thought that this opportunity surfaced but yet he couldn’t see it as an opportunity to grow as a couple and individually but rather he choose the easy way and they way he’s chosen most of his life which was to shut down, turn away and avoid the issue. This makes me sad for him and also sad for me. I understand that I’m at fault for my part but I also understand that I’m not totally at fault and that has been a challenge to get to. I’ve been self-destructive and sad long enough and it’s time to let go and move on. So today my goal is to begin to forgive like my therapist has suggested. Both myself and him. I realize that there is life after this and my goal is to get on with mine. I want to be a better person and learn from this experience. I want to work on being happy with me and stop thinking immediately when there is a problem it’s my fault and look at things as they are which is sometimes people have problems and they are just that “their problems” and it’s not my fault and I’m not to blame. I’ve learned a few things about the person I thought I new and all I can say is I still love him and hope the best for him and hopefully one day he will face his demons just like one day I will face mine. There are so many to be faced and I’ve spent a lot of my life dealing with them but I still have more work to do. I’m hopeful for my future and today I decide to end this and wait no longer. Let the journey begin.

I ask myself.. Self??

I find myself asking myself.. “Self how long will it take?” I know more then I need to know about emotions, feelings and insight. The curse of being a therapist. Sad thing is as much as I know I still do dumb shit. I still ignore big red flags and I still manipulate myself into believing things that I am sure are not true! What’s that about? Over the last few months I’ve had lots of time to reflect and think about why I do what I do. I think a lot of it comes from my idea of what a perfect life looks like. I deal with people every day that are so broken from different life experiences and I myself sometimes feel like I over identify with some of my clients. Meaning I too have experienced very similar things in my life and fortunately I haven’t chosen the same path but looking at my life and the way I deal with things I see a lot of similarities. I look at the way I use food, relationships, sex and sometimes alcohol as a means to cope or feel something other then what I’m feeling in that moment. I don’t think I’m aware of it when I’m doing it but getting some distance from it I can see that being the emotional person I am I’ve developed patterns in my life to “shut down” if you will when I’m on overload from it all. I’ve been doing that for weeks now with this break up and again seeing so many red flags and things are making so much more sense now that I’m out of it. Things that didn’t in it and red flags that I ignored and gut feelings that I didn’t listen to and despite all that feeling as if he called today I would drop everything and be anywhere he asked me to be. That’s what love is right? Wrong! That’s what I’ve made it to be. I’ve developed this idea that love is about what I can give and how much I can do for you rather than just about me; who I am and what I have to offer.. Wow.. That’s big.. What a concept. Love isn’t conditional? Love isn’t about works? That’ is completely foreign to me. I associate the condition to my abuse as a kid the messages I heard from my perpetrator and the relationships I witnessed growing up. Is it their fault? Absolutely not but it played a part in why I believe what I believe. I’m not one of those people that think everything is about my childhood but I am one of those people that believe it plays a part and leads to the whys of how we handle things or for me how I handle things. I think again knowing what I know from my training, therapy and MKP that it should all just fall into place but the truth is we (I) have spent a lifetime building behaviors and habits and patterns and it’s completely unrealistic for me to expect that to change in a set amount of time or even when I want it to! So the question to myself is “Self how long will it take”. The answer is I have no friggin idea.. I think that the work never stops. I’ve always believed if I’m not working or struggling towards something then what’s the point.. I also tell my clients STOP enjoy today be happy in the present we spend too much time working towards things and wants and missing out on what we have right in front of us. The grass is always greener right? Wrong. I think about my weight.. I’ve had lipo, weight loss surgery, taken diet pills and have gotten down to a really great size but couldn’t enjoy it because I wanted to lose 10 more pounds.. What the hell is that about? So all this said.. My goal today is to recognize all the greatness in my life from my stuff to my family and friends and enjoy it! I’m tired of waiting, wanting and looking for something or someone to make me happy. Those things help but ultimately it’s my job to be happy with me and the rest is out of my control. I just keep thinking over and over I deserve better and the more I think that the more I begin to believe that. I’m focused today on enjoying my life just as it is!

Disappointed

I’m disappointed that I texted you. I knew I wouldn’t get a response but I justify by thinking it’s just me expressing my feelings and that’s healthy. This is the fourth text in 4 weeks with zero response. Why would this time be any different. It’s not healthy. Nothing about this has been healthy. I’m in DC a city I experienced with you for the first time this time last year and I can’t help but remember all incredible memories we made here. I looked at the photo’s which was a bad idea and was reminded of the laughs and the fun we had. I’m sad that we aren’t together. I’m sad that you won’t talk to me or acknowledge me. I don’t understand. People don’t understand why I can’t let go but how do you let go of someone you have loved for so long and still love. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand how we got to this point and why we can’t work this out. I’m sad tonight. I’m in this incredible town doing incredible work and all I can think about is when we stood on that corner and took that goofy picture and when we rode the metro and took that picture and all the goofy pictures we took in the museums. I’m so sad and I miss you so much... I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t get angry and stay angry long enough to move on but I just keep going back to sadness and want... Want to see you again, hold you and love on you. I have people telling me I deserve better... Maybe I do but I want you. My heart wants you. You clearly don’t want me any longer and that makes me so sad. I have so many questions that I don’t think I’ll ever get the answer to but would it matter? I don’t know. All I know is my heart is broken and I think about you daily and miss you daily. I can’t imagine ever just shutting someone out of my life like you have me and I know its how you deal but I hoped that you would never do it to me... Guess that was silly on my part. I thought I was different and what we had was different but again I was wrong. It was an incredible time and I miss you horribly and feel like I have a part of me missing these days. I miss you and love you and will always! I’m disappointed in you and myself for the way we handled things and sad most of all.

Welcome Shadow.

Sad that you continue to lie. To me, to yourself and to people around you. Frustrated that you choose that life over this one. Sad that you still cannot be honest with me. Sad that you try to turn it around and put your shame and issues on me. I don’t take it on. That’s your stuff. I’ve been open, honest and raw with you only for you to continue to be dishonest, non committal and fake with me, yourself and others. It’s sad this addiction you have and I hoped this would be a turning point for you, for me and for us but you choose that sickness and not to work but to run. That makes me sad for you. We had something good and could have been incredible but you turned your back when the road got to rocky and you choose the easy path. The path that is familiar and yet so dangerous and ultimately leads to a life of loneliness and lies. I’m sad for you tonight. Sad that you can’t see past your addiction like I could and see the true man standing behind his shadow. I was willing to support you and I’ve watched you grow but it wasn’t enough. I keep thinking it’s me I’m not enough but I know better. I get addiction I work with it every day I’ve struggled with it myself. I understand that you have a choice to make and you choose your disease. I hope that someday you wake up and seek help and will let someone in. That you let your guard down and let someone love that little boy inside you that so desperately needs to be loved and taken care of. I know this isn’t possible until you can love yourself and I don’t believe you are doing that. I believe you had an opportunity and you bailed. You ran back to what’s comfortable. I’m sad that even today when confronted with your behavior you choose to try to blame me and make it about me. It’s not about me. It’s about you and your illness. I see an incredible man that is capable of so much more. I’m sorry that your addiction is leading you back down that path. I wish I could stop it but you don’t want help at least not mine. I wish you could see it. Living in that shadow does not have to be the end all. But I’m fearful for you it will be. I love you and wish you the best.

Your Smell

Tonight while gathering laundry I found your shirt. I can't bring myself to wash it because it has your smell. Intoxicated by the smell of you and amazed at how your smell can bring back so many memories. I can remember when you wore it last and remember that night so clearly.. I miss your smell and your touch and the comfort I felt in your arms. I miss holding you and comforting you and kissing you. I miss hearing your voice and smiling at the thought of getting to see you and smiling when you would pop into my head throughout the day. The way we could finish each others thoughts and the fun we had on our trips and our conversations laying in bed. The Sunday I returned from my warriar weekend laying there for hours just talking and crying I will remember that always. I used to try to explain to you the way you smelled you would laugh at me but then you would leave t-shirts on the pillow next to me when you had to leave in the mornings for me to snuggle with like I used to do with my boys when they were puppies. I feel like a puppy when I'm with you. Happy, giddy, playful. I miss you. I'm in a good place remembering good times and comforted by my prayer time this morning. I trust it's all going to be ok and I realize I might not get what I want but I am ok with allowing God to work out the details. I'm trusting the process today. I'm feeling my feelings as they come and trying to acknowledge them and move forward. I prayed for you today. That God would send comfort and peace your way. I prayed that he would wrap his big loving arms around you and comfort you as well. I don't know what you are feeling or how you are doing but I Love you and hope you are well and taking care of yourself above all else. I want nothing but good things for us both and hope that this is just a temporary break but again realize there's a bigger plan and am comforted tonight by the love I feel from God and all the incredible people I have that support and love me. I'm comforted by your smell and the incredible memories we made in such a short time. I'm hopeful and at peace. I saw Eat, Pray, Love tonight and one of the lines was when you think of me send love and light and then let it go. I'm working on doing just that. I want love and light to guide you. I hope that we are guided back to one another but if not I know that I will be ok.

Inside on the Outside

Saturday was the day. I had given myself the deadline of Sunday but when we talked on Saturday nothing had changed so what would one more day do? I'm surrounded by songs, images and smells that remind me of him. I'm sad by the messages in my head. I'm not good enough, I wasn't worth fighting for, I'm not worthy of love. Messages programmed in me from early childhood message told to me from my abuser, my family, friends strangers people who should love me unconditionally showed me mostly conditional love so that lesson I got loud and clear. I've continued this pattern in my adult life. I love unconditionally but with the condition of being loved so what's that mean? I have no idea.. I struggle with blaming myself it's all my fault it didn't work but I know that that is not true. Why can I forgive but he cannot. Why did it have to end. How could I spend so much of my life thinking about what if and be given the opportunity only for it to just end. I have all these memories this doesn't seem real. But it is real and it is sad. I'm struggling daily minute by minute constantly making the decision i'm going to be ok.. Time. Time. Time.. I have lots of time it's my enemy right now. I'm trying to tell myself I am worth it. I'm worth everything I have to give and then some but as many times as I tell myself that it still comes full circle to I don't want this. I don't want to be without him. How can one person mean so much to me. How can someone that means so much to me not feel the same or show me that I'm worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for. I keep thinking of my parents how much struggle they went through how they divorced and then remarried and fought for each other. I want that. I want someone to fight for me, to not give up on me to love me no matter my faults. Does that exist? Am I fooling myself? Why can't I focus on something else. I have so much I need to do at home at work with clients. I don't want to do any of it. I want to drink and be destructive. This isn't me.. I'm not sure who this is. My feeling is anger, sadness, worthlessness. I'm pissed that I post sad depressing things but I want an outlet for my pain. I hate this. I love him. I've always loved him. Why can't it work. I keep hoping it's going to change. If he showed up today and said I want you back I would jump into his arms. I'm not sure what that makes me.

Movie's Shmovies!

Saw a movie tonight won’t say which but could see my current life situation all throughout. The problem I have with movies is they distort life. I think I’ve been programed to believe that what I watch and stories I see are what should happen in real life when really life is not so interesting. Don’t get me wrong this movie was chaulked full of real life events and sparked emotion that I’ve been feeling already and guess what ended on a happy note.. Unfortunatly what I’ve learned is things don’t always end on an up note. I was happy that the movie ended postively but sad that my life wasn’t going as smooth and that it’s not really as simple as movies make it out to be. I want a happy ending in my story but honestly am not even really sure what that looks like. I struggle with being really angry to being really sad and being justified to being pissed off at myself and the other characters playing in my life story. Mostly disappointed that I’m in this place. Sad that things are on hold even though they aren’t on hold they just aren’t happening at my pace which feels like hold. Truthfully, again I’m struggling with what do I even want to happen in my version. I know this. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to be cherished, adored, spoiled, kissed, carressed, chased, desired. I want my partner to want to be with me and when he’s not with me think about me and the next time we will be together. I want all this because this is what I have to offer. I love to love. I love to share my love. Part of the movie tonight one of the scenes talks about how in a marriage it’s work and sometimes you loose site of one another and just see your own projections on each other. Love is confusing, it’s hard and it’s frustrating. I think it’s worth it but I even find myself quetioning that some lately. All of this could because of the position I’m in. It’s hard to imagine getting what you’ve wanted most of your life and then struggling so much throughout the process. There is good and bad in anything and I believe that the good out weighs the bad in this but I’ve become so unsure of myself and my own judgements that I could be out of my mind. I see couples weekly in therapy struggling with similar issues or the exact same issues and trying so hard to work it out with each other because of love. Somone asked is it love or is it fear of failure.. That one stumped me. I want to say it’s all in the name of love but what the hell do I know. I’ve been in love, out of love and I’m no expert. I’m not even sure I’m clear on what it looks like or smells like or taste like. I want to believe that the t-shirt I hold on to that smells of the one is what love smells like, that the memories and the feelings I get when we are together or the dreams I have when we are apart or when I wake up with my hands around my pillow and for a minute think things are back to normal or the way they used to be and suddenly I realize.. Same situation different day. I don’t like this feeling. I’ve never been in a place of such uncertainty and my feelings change on the hour it’s insanity. They say love will make you crazy so maybe this is my confirmation. I’m struggling. I’m sad. I want to be happy. I am happy. I want that someone that compliments me in my happiness and that I compliment in theirs. I want to be a rock for someone. I want them to know that my love doesn’t waiver in storms or in tribulations and that sometimes we. I. do stupid things have done stupid things. You’ve done stupid things. Why do we do this to ourselves, to our loved one’s to each other. I want all the desires of my heart and I want to be the desire of someone else’s heart. I want to grow old happy. That looks like companionship to me but maybe I’ve just watched to many movies. Maybe my idea of happiness is fucked. Maybe I’m unrealistic and crazy. I don’t know. I just know that what I feel today is distance, sadness and I want to feel something else. I want to get a full night of sleep and see how I feel after that but I can’t. I can’t sleep. I’m up till 2, 3, 4 then awake by 7, 8 it’s insanity. I’m emotionless and emotional all in the same 60 seconds. I wish I could change the past I wish I had power over the future. I wish life was as simple as it is in the movies. It’s just not. I have no power. I have nothing but emotions and feelings and numbness. What is it I want how do I get it. I want to be loved and I want to love. I want a life filled with warmth and compassion and trust. I want a partner that will be my rock when I need it and will allow me to be his rock when he needs it. I want honesty, trust, faithfulness and passion. I want it all and I want to give my all. Is that to much?

What to do..

Just have some random crap on my mind. Can't go into detail but I'm in a place of pure confusion. My brain and heart are once again at odds. The potential for something huge could be on the horizon but it's unclear if it's huge good or huge bad.. I've learned life is full of risk some worth taking some not. I've learned life is short and precious. What to do? I want to follow my heart.. I'm scared to do so. I wish the answers were clear I wish I didn't have so much fear. Either way it's scary. Could be good.. Could be GREAT or it could be bad. I'm wanting clarity and an easy solution but there isn't one. I see nothing but risk. It's a risk I desperatly want to take but so fearful. What to do?

What I'm learning is..

My way is not necessarily the right way. I’m learning that I have faults. Don’t get me wrong I’ve known I’ve had faults for some time now maybe about 32 years or so but to what extent and how many is ever changing. Past few days have been a real struggle for me. I’m going through something personally and also working with a few clients in my practice that also are going through similar situations as I. So I find even at work I can't get away from it. I find myself asking myself questions like is this just something that comes with life or are there just certain things in life we are supposed to experience some more then others. I’m at a place where I have an opportunity if you will to grow or continue to do what I always do which is run.. like the wind! I’m still not sure if I want to lace up and go or settle in and challenge myself. I pushed myself a while back when I went through MKP and it was life changing. The problem is I can only handle so much before I tend to start shutting down. I’m not sure about everyone else but for me this is my truth. I want to be that person that faces fear head on but reality is I’m kind of a chicken shit in that department and tend to not look at it until I’m forced to do so. The problem with that is you or I rather I tend to screw things up and do unnecessary damage along the way. This has shown up in my relationship, my jobs and friendships over and over. I think for me personally I tend to try to do the damage control when maybe there isn’t really any damage to control. My focus has always been on what I need to make me happy and I’m finding that it’s not so much things or someone that can do that for me but something I have to find within myself. Constantly looking for outward gratification through things is exhausting and expensive! Hence my bankruptcy and horrible credit. I also tend to eat. Food is both my friend and my enemy. I love it and I hate it. Sometimes at the same time. I have periods of confidence with my body and times where I love myself and the way I look and other times that I can’t stop the negative talk and inner dialogue. I want to be one of those people that exude good positive energy and happiness all the time. I’m aware that even those people have their struggles but I still envy them. I’m not sure today what direction my life will be heading tomorrow or the next but I truly want to learn to live my life one day at a time and stop worrying so much about the future. I want to be positive and encouraging to others and I believe that I am sometimes but I want to operate in that more rather than less. It feels good to me when I’m positive and encouraged. I’m learning that all the things I think I want are not necessarily the things I need. It’s easy to focus on something rather than myself that might make me happy.. I find myself still thinking maybe this time it’ll be different.. When in fact I need to be different..

I'm Surrounded..

Surrounded by darkness. I’m surrounded by hundreds of pieces of paper in black abd white of what an awful person I am. I’m sad. My shadow is taking over my life and ruining all that is good. I’m a liar, a cheater, a hypocrite. This is what I’m becoming. My front is falling. My reality is present standing right in front of me laid out all over the floor the bed. Sadness. Darkness. Loneliness. Where do I go from here what do I do? How could I let this happen? Who is this person? Why why why screaming out WHY! WHAT THE FUCK! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN! Lost. Ashamed. Sad.

Stepping out of my Comfort Zone and Asking for Help!

Lately my moods have been all over the place. The constant in my life at this time is my employment situation. When the company I worked for closed back in November I stepped out on faith and opened my own practice which honestly has done surprisingly well for a brand new start up center. However, not as well as I need it to do. I'm struggling financially as well as emotionally with wanting this to work and feel like God's hand has been in it from the beginning but not sure what more I need to do to grow it. I've asked for prayer, sought prayer and have been blessed and still I struggle with wondering am I doing the right thing by keeping it going. I find myself getting depressed because of the inconsistancy the financial burden not being able to take care of all my obligations and committments financially and just wanting to often times crawl in a hole and lay there. Which is my bed and I have been doing that a lot. I have so many friend and have not reached out to many of them and want desperatly for them to reach out to me but then when they do I don't answer my phone or find myself making excuses as to why I can't meet up. What's that about? I think it's just that I'm stuck. I'm getting bogged down in the stress of it all and I keep getting feedback from probation officers that is positive and encouraging but then no business for weeks at a time. My groups are dwindling and my phone isn't ringing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I've gotten feedback that clients are loving the treatment and feel like they are getting individualized treatment and not just being stuck in a room with 40 people getting talked at and they are telling their officers who are also reporting back to me. Had a officer tell me today I was setting the standard in professionalism and how much he appreciated it. Aother told me he was impressed that i came in on a Saturday to meet with a client that works every day and couldn't get in any other time.. This is all positive and makes me feel good but where is the consistancy. How to I get there. If things don't turn around for me soon I'll be forced to find something else which is not necessarily a bad thing but I want to work somewhere that treatment is good and effective and so many facilities are just about the numbers. I understand why now but I'm asking for just enough to pay my overhead and a little extra for savings. I'm trying to stay confident and I'm acting confident on the outside but inside I'm screaming for help and wondering what can I do. I'm open to suggestions and welcome feedback. Addiction is such an aweful disease and people need individualized treatment not just cookie cutter services. I want to change the industry and I need all your prayers, thoughts and energy that you can send my way. I also need my friends to call me and push me to get out of my bed and get together for lunch or coffee.. Cheap of course that whole money things is also holding me back. I'm sad that I have two good friends that have helped me out financially in the past and I've had to stop back from my committments to them as well that hurts my self-esteem and makes me sad. I'm not sad to night if this reads this way I just want feedback, suggestions and HELP! I'm not good at asking for help but I need it. If anyone has relationships with EAP's or insurance agencies or non-profits I could work with please keep me in mind. I'm also considering something part-time that would allow me to continue to grow my center. I feel like the possiblities are endless I just have to be patient and do everything in my power to make it happen.. I love you guys and am thankful for the people that have seen me struggling and checked in on me. I tend to disappear and distance myself from everone and everything when I become this overwhelmed. I am offering extremly affordable services so if you or anyone you know needs assistance please have them call me. I'm gong to stay in prayer and continue to fight for what I feel is right. I've worked for to many places that just are money hungry and offer a lousy product and this disease isn't going to get changed that way. I don't want to make a killing I didn't pick this field for the money I just want to make ends meet. I need encouragement and feedback and prayers that I don't self-destruct which is my tendencies! Visit my incredible website that the incredible Mike Thompson created for me. He is incredibliy talanted if you need a site built he's yo man.. Actually he's my man but he can be your designer! Much Love ya'll ~Joseph (www.JosephMassey.com)

Checking - In

So haven’t made any entries in a while thought it was about time. I know you folks (all two of you that read these J ) Are dying to know what’s been going on with me. Last entries were about my warriar weekend which was awesome in case you didn’t read them you should. The week after the weekend I was on a high.. Some might say riding a pink cloud (inside thang) I did begin to come down as I got further from the weekend but have been practicing applying what I learned over the weekend and working to identify my shadow when it appears and how to manage/deal/squash it. I’m reminded that growth is challenging and sometimes painful to do. My want is to continue to grow as a person and work towards continuing to apply my mission statement and live an authentic life as a man and person. My emotions have been more in check but I have to say for some reason the last couple of weeks since returning from New Orleans have been funky for me. Emotionally returning back to the day to day grind was hard is hard. Spending a week being careless with Mike and having fun with each other was pretty stinking awesome. So I think coming back to being able to see each other when we can, working and just the daily “stuff” that goes on. Going back to work and listening to problems of others and getting back into that mind set of putting my stuff aside so that I can focus and help my clients has been difficult. I learned I need to take more vacations and that I really love it when Mike and I just get that time together to connect and play like little boys and explore different places and make memories. I miss that not that we aren’t doing that regularly but it’s like concentrated on vacation which is nice. Anyways, started my pit cycle which is the next part warriar training to learn how to apply the weekend stuff learned to day to day life as well as continue the growth and learning process. I went to my first meeting and missed the second because my back was giving my problems. The first one I have to say the beginning was difficult for me I wanted to leave, felt weird and out of place and that old familiar uncomfortable place I get when I’m around men. I stuck it out and it got better and I’m looking forward to going back tonight. It’s so difficult for me to push myself sometimes and do things that either take emotional or physical energy even. That’s something I’m struggling with I used to have so much energy and was constantly doing things and still do they just come in spurts and not as often as they used to. Maybe it’s that getting older thing. My business is continuing to grow I tend to be staying consistent but still need to have a few more clients in order to be where I need to be and grow more. So that I have some room for the slow months which are coming! Weird thing is being unemployed has helped me learn some important lessons about the importance of saving as well as working towards a plan for when the unexpected happen. Sucks that I’m having trouble keeping up with my financial commitments kinda makes me feel like a loser so working through that as well. On the upside I have a home, a car and a job at the moment that is taking care of my basic needs and God is good! Getting ready to do another marketing mail out and I’m getting good feedback from clients and from probation officers that clients are enjoying the classes and learning and that officers are happy with my reports and the information they are getting from me. I’m struggling with the money part because the individuals I work with are typically very low income and have trouble paying for treatment and wish I could offer it for free or get on some insurance panels to help out some folks but it just not happening. I actually thought yesterday wow this is getting difficult to keep up with and then I thought wow that’s kind of a good problem to have. All and all I have a lot to be thankful for and am working towards shifting my focus to those things and being grateful more often and thankful for not just the big stuff but the little stuff as well. I have a lot of positive in my life at the moment and the fact that I’m making any money at all with my business is huge! Opening up a brand new practice and making money and having steady clients is something that typically takes years so God’s hands are all over it I just have to keep doing my part which unfortunately includes stuffing envelopes and doing mass mail outs! Blah hate those! Anyways, so that’s the news in my life these days. Some good some bad some great. Looking forward to continuing my journey of growth, continuing to grow my business and praying for God’s continued hand of blessing and for all the new and incredible men I’m meeting and their families. Also, for my family and all the love and support I feel from them. My mom and sister and nephew were in town this weekend and I finally got to sit face to face with my mom and share with her about my weekend and I cried thinking about it and the experience. I got to ask some very difficult questions about my childhood that I didn’t have answers to and we got to share how we both felt about the sexual abuse from my brother. I know my mom carries guilt around it but didn’t understand just how much. I pray that she can work on that herself. We both talked and talked until almost 2:00am and it was good. As I type this I’m thinking that might also be what is causing some of the emotional stuff I’m feeling because I find when I think about that part of my childhood it tends to drudge up and cause some feelings for a while. Today I’m thankful that I got that time with my mom and that we were able to share openly. She was sad to hear as I’m sad to feel that I have no memories before the 5^th grade with the exception of a hand full of experiences from the brother stuff. I still remind myself it happened for a bigger purpose and has made me the man I am today which I’m learning is ok and sometimes even awesome. I’m thankful that I can identify with people’s pain and offer feedback and support. I’m thankful for that part.

I’m loving all the new folks I’m meeting and looking forward to more growth and trying to push myself and grow it’s time. Lot’s of love going out this morning to all my friends and family and feeling better after writing this. It’s a good day.

Much Love, ~J

a.k.a. Glorious Tiger

Love Fest

This week has been incredible. The energy from this weekend has carried throughout and I’ve literally had trouble trying to contain it. Tonight was the graduation ceremony for the new warriars and it was incredible to be reminded of the weekend here the warriars talk about their experiences, have their friends and family share what the transformations they witnessed in their loved one. Mike made it a special night by inviting friends and I was very surprised and felt very loved and supported when I saw Jannie, Cindy, Robert, Anna and Jack there to support me! I’m truly grateful for that and thankful that you could share in the “love fest” I’ll call it. I’m sad to say that my shadow showed up afterwards and put a damper on the evening for me. I’m working to shake it off and reflect on the love and kind words and thoughts that were put out to me and to others. I have to remind myself that just because I’m alone I’m not really alone. I’m thankful to be part of an incredible organization that is doing just what their mission states “Changing the World one Man at a time”! I’m proud to be one of those men and have a community of men to support me here in Dallas. Tonight I’m happy, sad and fearful. I’m happy that I have this support and love, sad that I allowed old messages to creep into my head afterwards and fearful that this joy and inspiration will go away. I know after something so powerful there is usually a “come down” period if you will. I haven’t gotten there yet and am hopeful that I won’t or that it happens gradually. I’m looking forward to the next step in this journey and learning more and how I can apply it. I’m reminding myself that the words and feedback I received I’m worthy of and can own as a Man today. I recognize my shadow is present tonight as I sit outside on the patio in the dark listening to the crickets and cars passing and I recognize just how quickly it can come up on me. Some old messages played in my head tonight and I allowed it to steal my joy. I want to thank Mike for being so thoughtful tonight and making my graduation special and inviting friends to celebrate in it with me. Thank you to the men that supported me and their families for supporting them. The love and kindness that I felt tonight was incredible. Seeing my before and after photo was crazy and brought back the emotions I felt both in the beginning and the end. I’ll cherish it always. With this I’m out.

The Journey Continues..

I like many before me I’m sure was skeptical about what to expect out of this men’s weekend that attended this past weekend. I almost talked myself out of it several times over the few weeks before I was scheduled to attend but ultimately I made the decision to work through that fear and go. I told myself I know men that have gone before me and they are all still alive and well and talk about the incredible life changing experience they had over their weekend. I arrived Friday a completely calm man (which I give all the glory to God for) and ready for what the weekend would hold having no idea of what would happen, what we would be doing how many men would be there so basically nothing other then what time to show up and that we would be finished sometime Sunday. Spoke with my mom Friday morning because I was very emotional and she talked to me for a while and encouraged me and prayed with me and I got so many great messages to support me and felt a calmness about it on the way and arriving. I felt like I was truly ready to make a change in my life and work through some of the stuff that has kept hold of me since I was a little boy. Walking into a place filled with nothing but men is one of the scariest things for me because I’m not comfortable around men. I have always felt less than, not good enough because I’m gay because I’m not athletic because I don’t fart and piss in public! Stupid I know but that’s how I see men or what a man looks like to me. What I learned this weekend is I am a man an incredible man and all I have to do is own it get in touch with it and let it out. I can tell you I’m probably still not going to fart and piss in public have some boundaries for myself around that. This weekend I learned about myself they ask us not to share details about the weekend which when I first learned about the weekend couldn’t understand but now I get it. It’s so that other men can experience what I experienced and the emotions that come with. I got mad at Mike several times because he’s been through the weekend and is involved and wouldn’t answer my questions and I had lots. For that I’m eternally grateful to you Mike. I respect him greatly for that and having the courage to support me through it knowing I would probably be a little pissed in parts which I was and that it would mostly likely be directed at him which it was but I was able to understand why he didn’t tell me. If he had I wouldn’t have gone. There is a process and unless you experience it the way it’s intended to be experienced you cannot and will not understand it. One thing I heard over and over is “trust the process” and I did! I’ve seen and heard what this weekend has done for other men and I wanted it! I worked through my fear and anxiety and allowed myself to grow. There were several times I wanted to get my stuff and run but I just kept telling myself this is a good positive thing and that the discomfort I was feeling was NOT going to kill me. I felt instantly supported and part of a team which I’ve never felt part of team before especially a team of masculine men. The men in my group were powerful men all with their own “stuff” to work through and they too did incredible work that I got to support them in. Saturday was a turning point for me it was a shift, a transition a step, a leap, a jump and I trusted and I did the work and oh my God I feel free! I got angry, mad, sad was quiet, yelled, cried every spectrum of emotion I felt and it was all GOOD and ok and supported by men! I believe that my life will never be the same. This weekend was about embracing me as a Man as I am and today I feel like a Man a strong courageous Man! To be surrounded by a sea of men some like, some big and masculine and scary some meek and mild but all the same. There was not judgment about sexuality or beliefs or feelings. We were allowed to be who we needed to be and supported in it. To be able to feel comfortable enough to share that I am a Gay man in a room full mostly straight men was scary as hell but so freeing and empowering at the same time and there was no judgment it was powerful! I pushed myself this weekend. I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. There was one place I could have pushed further and I don’t regret that I didn’t but am sad that I couldn’t go there but it was ok again there was no judgment and in that moment I realized it’s ok for me to not do something and to have personal boundaries. I got to participate at my comfort level and no judgment. I don’t have to conform and do what everyone else is doing. They respected all our boundaries and supported us in our decisions. Powerful. I worked my ass off this weekend and am proud of myself for the work I did and proud to say I’m proud of myself and actually believe it. I can’t explain the calmness and peace I feel inside. I wish I could bottle it. When I’ve heard men say it’s a life changing weekend my thought was what could possibly change your life in less than 48 hours but today I know the answer to that question and I’m no longer skeptical or scared of owning who I am. I left feeling confident and loved and part of something incredible. The men that staffed the weekend were incredible. They worked their assess off to help us and guide us and support us in any and every way we needed. They are incredible men that I will forever be grateful for. Their love and support for me was incredible the amount of vulnerability I felt but at the same time completely and utterly safe I cannot describe in words. I went there hoping to deal with some very big issues in my life that have held me back for years and I did my work around those issues and am free of them today I also learned much more about myself. I learned that I am strong, I am worthy of Love, I am good enough, I am a Man, I am a compassionate, I am loving, I am a man, and I am POWERFUL! I played it was fun I allowed myself to just let go and it was incredible. I learned it’s ok to be fragile, it’s ok to be vulnerable it’s not going to kill me to let someone else guide me and give up some of my own control. I don’t know how much more I can say about it except that the Journey continues.

Again, thank you for the love and support this weekend. I felt it I felt the energy being sent my way and it felt good and it kept me grounded and focused on the work. I stayed I finished I am proud!

The Journey Begins...

Just an hour away from my departure. I will arrive between 5:30 and 6:00 and the weekend will begin. This last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Thinking about the weekend and what it holds and not knowing what to expect from it. I went to Big Lots a little while ago to look for a cooler to take the food I’ve prepared and as I was walking down the aisle started getting extremely emotional and fighting back tears. I realized today’s the day at that moment. I know I’ve known this for a while but it was like in that moment I knew that today is the day that I begin a new chapter in my life and that I learn some things that are going to help me be a better person and man. This weekend is about growth which is something I always encourage but don’t always practice. I feel like God has given me a calmness about this weekend as of about 11:00 today. I’m not worried, sad or anxious in this moment and it’s all been replaced with excitement about what I can learn and how much I can let go of my control and allow others to just support me, lead me and take care of me. That’s huge for me. Thinking back since I decided to do the weekend I can see evidence that I was trying to sabotage it by asking questions that I didn’t really want the answers to and making excuses about things like I’m not going to be able to sleep because I am a incredibly light sleeper and that’s ok. If I don’t sleep it’s because I’m not meant to. I’m excited about the possibilities. I feel like the enemy has come against me several times and I have no doubt that when I’m facing so much emotional stress and fear that I’m usually doing the right thing. I’ve said for a year now that these men that have been through this weekend have an incredible energy about them and calmness and it’s something I’m very much drawn to it and want some of it for myself! I’m excited about the possibilities. I won’t have access to my phone or electronics or caffeine but it’s going to be ok. This weekend is about me and no distractions. I’m easily distracted and I think it’s almost become a coping skill of mine to allow myself to get distracted or disconnect when things get to difficult. I’m committed to this weekend and allowing myself to be vulnerable with these men and allowing them to guide me through whatever the process. I have prayed for my journey and for the men leading this weekend and I’m confident that it’s going to be incredible. I thank all my incredible friends for the support and love and notes over the last few weeks and days and look forward to sharing my experience when I return. I hope that you all will keep me in your prayers this weekend and will pray that I allow myself to get out of my own way!

Much Love, ~J

Emotion Overload

Once again I find myself on an emotional roller coaster. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a lot going on in my life at the moment and although there is a lot of positive I tend to get bogged down with the unknown or uncontrollable. My men’s weekend is coming up I leave this coming Friday and I have to say I have little moments of excitement about it and huge moments of dread, fear, anxiety about it. I have to believe that a lot of what I’m struggling with emotionally is around the upcoming weekend. I’m hoping for a life changing experience or at least some awha moments to help better my life. I hate that I cannot be 100% excited about it but I have so much fear of the unknown and so many things get triggered for me when I feel like I’m walking into something where I’m going to be asked to turn over myself to something or someone else. It’s hard for me to verbalize the emotion that comes up even as I type this I well up with tears and get a pit in my stomach. I keep reminding myself of the people I know that have been through this and how much they say its life changing and try my best to focus on that. I’m also struggling emotionally today, yesterday the day before and I can’t speak for tomorrow but hoping it’ll be better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not walking around with my head down or crying every five minutes or camped out watching lifetime I’m just quiet, anxious and fearful inside. Fearful that I’m going to screw this up “this” being my job, relationship, home etc.. Fearful that I cannot be myself or say what I need to say because it’s going to come out wrong or be inappropriate or hurt feelings or do damage. Sad that I can’t have the picture perfect life that get’s painted in all the movie’s but realistic enough to know that those probably don’t exist. I’m frustrated with myself today about all this emotional crap I carry around and how it plays out in different areas of my life. I think sometimes the easiest thing to do is withdraw and be alone but in those times I find myself desperately wanting my phone to ring or some kind of connection to something outside of me outside of my house even. So much good in my life and I can’t seem to see past my own insecurities, fear and emotions. I want to feel confident in myself in my relationships in my job and every area of my life. I’d like to start with myself and am thinking that might help or even fix the others. I ask for prayer as this weekend approaches and that I go in with an open mind and heart and come out with an idea of what I need to do to be a better man, partner, son and counselor. I want to do this for myself and I just keep thinking how uncomfortable it is for me to do things for myself and why can’t I just allow myself the happiness, joy and blessings God has in store for me and has already provided to me. Today my focus is on allowing myself to be joyful going back to 12 years ago when I was told to start being thankful for the simple things daily and that will lead to thankfulness for the bigger things. I’m going to work on getting my mind right this week before I leave on Friday and try to keep this overwhelming anxiety and fear at bay and Trust the Process!

It's Time..

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged so thought I’d make a quick entry before bed. Things are crazy in my world in regards to my business. Still open and trying to make a go of it and am doing ok have some clients still not where I need to be. Just had a good prayers session and I still feel like God opened these doors and the timing was so perfect that it’s going to work out I just have to be patient and keep showing up and marketing of course. Today I helped an older women who I literally watched run into a tree coming around a corner. I was able to pull over and help her out and sat with her for about an hour. She was such a sweet heart. I realized how fragile and delicate this life is and how we need to truly live each day. I’m not so great at this. I think I take time for granted because I feel young and feel like I’m still 20 years old and have so much future ahead of myself. Luckily the lady was ok she had some pretty intense burns from the air bags but considering the way the car looked she was very lucky that was all her injuries. I’m realizing that this time I have on my hands can be dangerous for me. I friend I met recently shared a story with me about how sometimes God take all distraction out of our way and we are forced to be quiet and still and how horribly uncomfortable it is for us or me at least. I have never been good at having lots of free time and time to spend in my head. I’m a depressed personality believe it or not and depression is something I’ve struggled with since about age 17 but probably before then. I’ve spend from age 18 to 32 on and off medications for depression during different periods of my life and I believe that medication has helped me dramatically. I don’t believe it is the solution and a cure all and for me that couldn’t be more true. So that all said this time thing really messes with me. I find myself thinking and going places in my head that I don’t need to go and wouldn’t normally if I had things to keep myself busy. I’m going to a retreat at the end of May and I’m scared to death about it and I think the anxiety of that has really been weighing on me as well. I’m not one to give up control or put myself in a situation that I might not have control or a way out and the hardest part about committing to this weekend is they don’t tell you anything about it. You have to go in with an open mind and “trust the process” as they say. This scares the holy hell out of me but I’m at a point in my life that I feel it’s necessary for me as a person, boyfriend, child and therapist to look at the ghost in my closet and deal with some of the childhood issues that seem to creep up on my at the weirdest of times. I had a challenging childhood like most and spent a lot of time in therapy as a result. I was sexually abused for several years and as a result have a lot of issues around my own esteem, worth, identity and for me this stuff tends to pop up in relationships and in situations where I feel like I might not have control because the abuse for me equaled loss of control and as a result I have become a control freak and perfectionist! Imagine. I’ve worked on this issue off and on for years and feel like for the most part I’ve got it managed and I can talk about it and share it with people with out crying or feeling violated all over again which is something I couldn’t do for years. This weekend for me is about addressing some of that darkness and trying to heal my soul and hopefully that will translate into all the area’s of my life. These men that I’ve met that have been through the weekend will not tell you what it is about but they all have this peace and sensitivity about them that I want. I’m tired of struggling with my issues and tired of them coming out sideways and it leading to trust issues and things that really make no sense to me. I’m 32 and realizing that I still have a lot of work to do around something that happened before I was 12. 20 years later I’m still dealing with the effects. My prayer tonight was that God just open my heart and mind and allow me to begin to heal these wounds and be the person I want to be and others can see in me. I hold back often and am uncomfortable but mask it with humor and wit and sarcasm.. Imagine! It’s my defense mechanism and its finely tuned! I’m thankful for the God I serve and that in these times He is a peaceful spirit that I need to keep me grounded. I’m thankful for the people that have come into my life in the last year that have loved me and shown me that there is more to life you just have to “trust the process”. I’m a firm believer that change comes with much work and energy and I’m willing to put my energy into changing me. My commitment is to myself to be the best I can be to work on the things I dislike about myself and to stop running from the fear and discomfort I feel. It’s time.

Heavy Times

I find myself in a weird dark place today. I've started this adventure with my outpatient facility which all in all is going well. I'm still not at the point that I need to be in order to pay my bills but it's growing slowly. Also this week will be the one year anniversary of Paula's death my sister. 4/18 will be one year to the day. I find myself feeling overwhelmed and sad thinking about it and trying to figure out why I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness the last few days possibly week. I think that is a big part of it even though I just put that together today. I also am fearful about my job and that I won't be able to support myself. I keep reminding myself God has always provided for me and I just have to have faith but I find most of the time that's easier said then done. I do good somedays but when I'm feeling down in general it's hard for me to keep that in mind. The truth is he has always provided for me and I've always been ok and I'm sure this will be no different. Being out of work and building this practice has taken a lot from me emotionally and I'm finding working alone all the time I have no outlet for what's going on with me and to process the junk I collect from others daily. I work hard to practice what I've been taught as far as leaving the stuff behind and not taking it on personally but it's hard for me not to sometimes. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't feel worse when I hear some of the things I hear but I think it's a protection skill i've developed and would imagine most therapist have to develop. I'm also realizing just how vulnerable I feel not having a steady schedule or paycheck and how much it affects me on so many levels. I told someone recently I feel very alone these days and one of the things I tell my clients is a sign of depression is if you feel alone even when you are surrounded by people. I feel that way lately. Maybe I need to adjust my medication! :) Seriously just a lot going on with me all the major life area's pretty much and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do to make it better but tired of feeling crummy. Sorry this isn't more upbeat just feeling pretty funky today. I'm meeting with one of my crazy (affectionatly of course) clients today so I'm sure that will help lift my spirits. His craziness usually makes me laugh. Hoping my day get's better and this week get's better. I'm really missing my sister today. I've said it before she was my family in Dallas and since she's been gone I feel like I'm here by myself. May not make sense to anyone but it does to me. I'm going to try to focus my energy on positive things today and am hoping after writing this out I will feel a little less heavy. With that I'm out.

Ramblings for a friend.

I find myself wishing for a life filled with honesty, love and compassion. Hearing a friends story recently got me to thinking exactly what do we know for sure. For me I used to think I had all the answers and if you talk to some of my friends they might still call me a know it all but as I get older I find myself questioning more often and looking past what is visible and trying to see deaper into people. Their inner selves if you will. Sometimes I'm surprised at what I find both good and bad. I have always been a person that questions good things that come my way and have problems accepting positive feedback or regard. I'm working to change this in my life and my want for all of us myself included is to be able to see ourselves the way others see us or they way God intended us to be. My friend's relationship ended after six years because her partner was keeping secrets and hiding things from her. I'm not sure why anyone would continue in a relationship and risk hurting someone if they were interested or participating in things outside of that relationship. What it boiled down to was her partner was keeping people seperate on Facebook and you all know my opinion on facebooks privacy settings.. In case you don't I'm not a fan. I get it sometimes you want to keep work seperate from private and family seperate from friends but my question is and has always been if you find yourself having to apologize or hide something from someone it's probably best to not do whatever that is in the first place. As well as keeping a seperate phone and email accounts and who knows what else. That said i've been sad since this happened to someone I care about and sad that I thought I new her boyfriend and was surprised to find out all the deception that had been taking place. It makes me question what I really know about people and if I can truly trust my instincts. I have to say I have pretty damn good instincts but I guess because he was such a likeable loveable guy. I'm sad for my friend and sad for her boyfriend as well. He is hurting because he is realizing just how much damage he has done not only to the relationship but to her and the amount of issues she will have going forward because of his actions. This is something I can identify with having been in that situation myself with a man that lied and cheated on me multiple times. I have to say I am encouraged by her strength and determination to follow through with ending that relationship. I said I would never put up with some of the things I did in fact put up with and think it takes great courage to do what she is doing. I hope that if you read this you know what an incredible person you are and I know have thoughts that this is somehow your fault but no matter the situation we all have choices to make and have to be prepared for the consequences. If you truly love someone you don't actively do things to hurt them and if it's a behavioral issue or habit you recognize it quickly and change it. Easier said then done I know but life is challenging and anything good is work and worth working for that's always been my opinion. I guess what I'm saying is think before you act, ommission is a lie and think about the consequences and fall out. I learned through therapy years ago to know say things I would have to apologize for later which I make it a practice to adhere to that policy to the best of my ability. I also take it a step further and make it a practice to not DO things I will have to apologize for either. Girl I love you and am here for you and hope this rant helps. It's all stuff we've talked about already and I appreciate you giving me the ok to blog about it. You'll get through this.. Much Love.

Still Learning

Learning how to figure out what is truth and what is fiction. Not doing a great job of it most of the time but struggling my way through it. I tend to live my life by my gut.. What that means is whatever I feel in my gut I tend to listen to. I’m figuring out sometimes my gut might not be right. I’ve been hurt in my life by all types of people from my brother as a child, classmates in school because I was “different” from the other kids and the few relationships I have been in. I’ve struggled to overcome so much and have done a pretty good job for the most part. I ask myself tonight is there ever a point that you stop growing as a person and I’m finding the answer is not a chance! It’s clear that as my life changes I am struggling with figuring it all out again. Making good and bad decisions along the way. I’ve got a new job that is challenging and I’m excited and fearful about the potential and a new relationship that I’m also excited about and fearful about. I’m being forced to grow and to challenge myself and my beliefs and it’s horribly uncomfortable. I truly wish that it could be easy and smooth but my experience has been all the good things in life come from hard work. I’m committed to working on myself and hope that I can get it all worked out and hope that my Birthday wish this year comes through. I hope that I don’t get hurt again. My fear is if I get hurt one more time it will be the end of me, that I won’t be able to recover from it. So much damage has already been done. Last year I lost so much but gained so much at the same time. I’m working on being the best me I can be and hope that my life “settles in” so to speak and things get to some level of normalcy. I hope that I get what I want but also understand that sometimes what I want is not necessarily what I need or what’s even best for me. I have to say I truly want what I want and hope that my want is in line with God’s plan. That would be really incredible. My goal today is to let go and trust the process. Learn to forgive others and myself and work on sending good energy out to the world. My prayers is that God keep me safe from harm and protected from hurt and guide me in all my decisions. Trust that if what I want isn’t what I get that God is going to be there to pick me up and carry me through and mend what I feel will be the biggest loss yet in my life. These are big words but I have really big feelings behind this entry. I’m struggling and hurting and I want so badly to know all the answers. Ultimately I have to trust and relinquish the control I think I have. One of my many therapist once told me that when you use the word control you should always put “the illusion of” in front of it. Control is an illusion. God I ask that you bless it or block it.. Tonight once again I’m surrendering my will to you and trusting you will protect me.