Inside on the Outside

Saturday was the day. I had given myself the deadline of Sunday but when we talked on Saturday nothing had changed so what would one more day do? I'm surrounded by songs, images and smells that remind me of him. I'm sad by the messages in my head. I'm not good enough, I wasn't worth fighting for, I'm not worthy of love. Messages programmed in me from early childhood message told to me from my abuser, my family, friends strangers people who should love me unconditionally showed me mostly conditional love so that lesson I got loud and clear. I've continued this pattern in my adult life. I love unconditionally but with the condition of being loved so what's that mean? I have no idea.. I struggle with blaming myself it's all my fault it didn't work but I know that that is not true. Why can I forgive but he cannot. Why did it have to end. How could I spend so much of my life thinking about what if and be given the opportunity only for it to just end. I have all these memories this doesn't seem real. But it is real and it is sad. I'm struggling daily minute by minute constantly making the decision i'm going to be ok.. Time. Time. Time.. I have lots of time it's my enemy right now. I'm trying to tell myself I am worth it. I'm worth everything I have to give and then some but as many times as I tell myself that it still comes full circle to I don't want this. I don't want to be without him. How can one person mean so much to me. How can someone that means so much to me not feel the same or show me that I'm worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for. I keep thinking of my parents how much struggle they went through how they divorced and then remarried and fought for each other. I want that. I want someone to fight for me, to not give up on me to love me no matter my faults. Does that exist? Am I fooling myself? Why can't I focus on something else. I have so much I need to do at home at work with clients. I don't want to do any of it. I want to drink and be destructive. This isn't me.. I'm not sure who this is. My feeling is anger, sadness, worthlessness. I'm pissed that I post sad depressing things but I want an outlet for my pain. I hate this. I love him. I've always loved him. Why can't it work. I keep hoping it's going to change. If he showed up today and said I want you back I would jump into his arms. I'm not sure what that makes me.