Continued Growth..

The last few months have been a bit crazy for me to say the least. I’ve spent much time reflecting and identifying things in my life that need to change. These are things I’ve thought I should change for some time now and on occasion have actually attempted to change them but have to say typically change becomes too much work for me or to overwhelming and I fall back into old patterns. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I’ve been consistent with this change for the past few months. I continue to work hard on identifying my own thinking errors and working actively to change those or address them. I’ve jokingly said the last few months have been experimentation and practice for me and what I mean by that is it’s been practice to do something different. To hold back sometimes what I think or feel which most of you know I don’t tend to do that very often. I’ve identified a lot of things from past relationships that didn’t work that I thought worked in the relationship but now that I’ve gotten some distance and some healing around it know that these things are not things I can compromise on. I struggle with those internal messages that I’m not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, don’t make enough money, am not successful enough or that I just don’t have anything to offer. What I’ve discovered is I am enough and that this idea that love is about what I have to offer, give or how much I can do for someone is not what love is. I grew up in a conditional love environment and from my childhood abuse learned at a very early age that positive regard and rewards and good feelings came from what I could do for someone rather than just ME. I’ve learned so much the last few months through reading and journaling and therapy of course about just how much my abuse continues to affect me in my present in so many areas. My goal as become reclaiming my life and not allowing my abuser to continue to have control over me and the decisions I make. To break down those messages programmed into me at an early age and just realize that I am enough that I do have a lot to offer myself and someone else and that I also don’t have to be in a relationship to get that feeling of fulfillment. It’s something I actually need to have on my own in order to be in a healthy relationship. I can honestly say that what I’ve been through has made the person I am today and I’m pretty good with the person I am today. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but for the most part I feel positive and encouraged and have for a few months now and it hasn’t gone away like I feared in the beginning.. I’m happy today I accept that my future is unknown at this time and am at peace with that. It’s a good feeling. I want to continue this journey of growth and learn as much as I can and focus on being the best man I can be. I’ve had a burning desire to write lately and want to publish a book so I’m actively working on an outline and ideas of what I want it to be about. I’m hopeful that someday I will be a published author and what an incredible gift that would be. I’m putting it out there because it’s something I feel passionate about it and am excited about.

Today I’m encouraged, positive and excited about life!