What I'm learning is..

My way is not necessarily the right way. I’m learning that I have faults. Don’t get me wrong I’ve known I’ve had faults for some time now maybe about 32 years or so but to what extent and how many is ever changing. Past few days have been a real struggle for me. I’m going through something personally and also working with a few clients in my practice that also are going through similar situations as I. So I find even at work I can't get away from it. I find myself asking myself questions like is this just something that comes with life or are there just certain things in life we are supposed to experience some more then others. I’m at a place where I have an opportunity if you will to grow or continue to do what I always do which is run.. like the wind! I’m still not sure if I want to lace up and go or settle in and challenge myself. I pushed myself a while back when I went through MKP and it was life changing. The problem is I can only handle so much before I tend to start shutting down. I’m not sure about everyone else but for me this is my truth. I want to be that person that faces fear head on but reality is I’m kind of a chicken shit in that department and tend to not look at it until I’m forced to do so. The problem with that is you or I rather I tend to screw things up and do unnecessary damage along the way. This has shown up in my relationship, my jobs and friendships over and over. I think for me personally I tend to try to do the damage control when maybe there isn’t really any damage to control. My focus has always been on what I need to make me happy and I’m finding that it’s not so much things or someone that can do that for me but something I have to find within myself. Constantly looking for outward gratification through things is exhausting and expensive! Hence my bankruptcy and horrible credit. I also tend to eat. Food is both my friend and my enemy. I love it and I hate it. Sometimes at the same time. I have periods of confidence with my body and times where I love myself and the way I look and other times that I can’t stop the negative talk and inner dialogue. I want to be one of those people that exude good positive energy and happiness all the time. I’m aware that even those people have their struggles but I still envy them. I’m not sure today what direction my life will be heading tomorrow or the next but I truly want to learn to live my life one day at a time and stop worrying so much about the future. I want to be positive and encouraging to others and I believe that I am sometimes but I want to operate in that more rather than less. It feels good to me when I’m positive and encouraged. I’m learning that all the things I think I want are not necessarily the things I need. It’s easy to focus on something rather than myself that might make me happy.. I find myself still thinking maybe this time it’ll be different.. When in fact I need to be different..