Heavy Times

I find myself in a weird dark place today. I've started this adventure with my outpatient facility which all in all is going well. I'm still not at the point that I need to be in order to pay my bills but it's growing slowly. Also this week will be the one year anniversary of Paula's death my sister. 4/18 will be one year to the day. I find myself feeling overwhelmed and sad thinking about it and trying to figure out why I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness the last few days possibly week. I think that is a big part of it even though I just put that together today. I also am fearful about my job and that I won't be able to support myself. I keep reminding myself God has always provided for me and I just have to have faith but I find most of the time that's easier said then done. I do good somedays but when I'm feeling down in general it's hard for me to keep that in mind. The truth is he has always provided for me and I've always been ok and I'm sure this will be no different. Being out of work and building this practice has taken a lot from me emotionally and I'm finding working alone all the time I have no outlet for what's going on with me and to process the junk I collect from others daily. I work hard to practice what I've been taught as far as leaving the stuff behind and not taking it on personally but it's hard for me not to sometimes. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't feel worse when I hear some of the things I hear but I think it's a protection skill i've developed and would imagine most therapist have to develop. I'm also realizing just how vulnerable I feel not having a steady schedule or paycheck and how much it affects me on so many levels. I told someone recently I feel very alone these days and one of the things I tell my clients is a sign of depression is if you feel alone even when you are surrounded by people. I feel that way lately. Maybe I need to adjust my medication! :) Seriously just a lot going on with me all the major life area's pretty much and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do to make it better but tired of feeling crummy. Sorry this isn't more upbeat just feeling pretty funky today. I'm meeting with one of my crazy (affectionatly of course) clients today so I'm sure that will help lift my spirits. His craziness usually makes me laugh. Hoping my day get's better and this week get's better. I'm really missing my sister today. I've said it before she was my family in Dallas and since she's been gone I feel like I'm here by myself. May not make sense to anyone but it does to me. I'm going to try to focus my energy on positive things today and am hoping after writing this out I will feel a little less heavy. With that I'm out.