Still Learning

Learning how to figure out what is truth and what is fiction. Not doing a great job of it most of the time but struggling my way through it. I tend to live my life by my gut.. What that means is whatever I feel in my gut I tend to listen to. I’m figuring out sometimes my gut might not be right. I’ve been hurt in my life by all types of people from my brother as a child, classmates in school because I was “different” from the other kids and the few relationships I have been in. I’ve struggled to overcome so much and have done a pretty good job for the most part. I ask myself tonight is there ever a point that you stop growing as a person and I’m finding the answer is not a chance! It’s clear that as my life changes I am struggling with figuring it all out again. Making good and bad decisions along the way. I’ve got a new job that is challenging and I’m excited and fearful about the potential and a new relationship that I’m also excited about and fearful about. I’m being forced to grow and to challenge myself and my beliefs and it’s horribly uncomfortable. I truly wish that it could be easy and smooth but my experience has been all the good things in life come from hard work. I’m committed to working on myself and hope that I can get it all worked out and hope that my Birthday wish this year comes through. I hope that I don’t get hurt again. My fear is if I get hurt one more time it will be the end of me, that I won’t be able to recover from it. So much damage has already been done. Last year I lost so much but gained so much at the same time. I’m working on being the best me I can be and hope that my life “settles in” so to speak and things get to some level of normalcy. I hope that I get what I want but also understand that sometimes what I want is not necessarily what I need or what’s even best for me. I have to say I truly want what I want and hope that my want is in line with God’s plan. That would be really incredible. My goal today is to let go and trust the process. Learn to forgive others and myself and work on sending good energy out to the world. My prayers is that God keep me safe from harm and protected from hurt and guide me in all my decisions. Trust that if what I want isn’t what I get that God is going to be there to pick me up and carry me through and mend what I feel will be the biggest loss yet in my life. These are big words but I have really big feelings behind this entry. I’m struggling and hurting and I want so badly to know all the answers. Ultimately I have to trust and relinquish the control I think I have. One of my many therapist once told me that when you use the word control you should always put “the illusion of” in front of it. Control is an illusion. God I ask that you bless it or block it.. Tonight once again I’m surrendering my will to you and trusting you will protect me.