Movie's Shmovies!

Saw a movie tonight won’t say which but could see my current life situation all throughout. The problem I have with movies is they distort life. I think I’ve been programed to believe that what I watch and stories I see are what should happen in real life when really life is not so interesting. Don’t get me wrong this movie was chaulked full of real life events and sparked emotion that I’ve been feeling already and guess what ended on a happy note.. Unfortunatly what I’ve learned is things don’t always end on an up note. I was happy that the movie ended postively but sad that my life wasn’t going as smooth and that it’s not really as simple as movies make it out to be. I want a happy ending in my story but honestly am not even really sure what that looks like. I struggle with being really angry to being really sad and being justified to being pissed off at myself and the other characters playing in my life story. Mostly disappointed that I’m in this place. Sad that things are on hold even though they aren’t on hold they just aren’t happening at my pace which feels like hold. Truthfully, again I’m struggling with what do I even want to happen in my version. I know this. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to be cherished, adored, spoiled, kissed, carressed, chased, desired. I want my partner to want to be with me and when he’s not with me think about me and the next time we will be together. I want all this because this is what I have to offer. I love to love. I love to share my love. Part of the movie tonight one of the scenes talks about how in a marriage it’s work and sometimes you loose site of one another and just see your own projections on each other. Love is confusing, it’s hard and it’s frustrating. I think it’s worth it but I even find myself quetioning that some lately. All of this could because of the position I’m in. It’s hard to imagine getting what you’ve wanted most of your life and then struggling so much throughout the process. There is good and bad in anything and I believe that the good out weighs the bad in this but I’ve become so unsure of myself and my own judgements that I could be out of my mind. I see couples weekly in therapy struggling with similar issues or the exact same issues and trying so hard to work it out with each other because of love. Somone asked is it love or is it fear of failure.. That one stumped me. I want to say it’s all in the name of love but what the hell do I know. I’ve been in love, out of love and I’m no expert. I’m not even sure I’m clear on what it looks like or smells like or taste like. I want to believe that the t-shirt I hold on to that smells of the one is what love smells like, that the memories and the feelings I get when we are together or the dreams I have when we are apart or when I wake up with my hands around my pillow and for a minute think things are back to normal or the way they used to be and suddenly I realize.. Same situation different day. I don’t like this feeling. I’ve never been in a place of such uncertainty and my feelings change on the hour it’s insanity. They say love will make you crazy so maybe this is my confirmation. I’m struggling. I’m sad. I want to be happy. I am happy. I want that someone that compliments me in my happiness and that I compliment in theirs. I want to be a rock for someone. I want them to know that my love doesn’t waiver in storms or in tribulations and that sometimes we. I. do stupid things have done stupid things. You’ve done stupid things. Why do we do this to ourselves, to our loved one’s to each other. I want all the desires of my heart and I want to be the desire of someone else’s heart. I want to grow old happy. That looks like companionship to me but maybe I’ve just watched to many movies. Maybe my idea of happiness is fucked. Maybe I’m unrealistic and crazy. I don’t know. I just know that what I feel today is distance, sadness and I want to feel something else. I want to get a full night of sleep and see how I feel after that but I can’t. I can’t sleep. I’m up till 2, 3, 4 then awake by 7, 8 it’s insanity. I’m emotionless and emotional all in the same 60 seconds. I wish I could change the past I wish I had power over the future. I wish life was as simple as it is in the movies. It’s just not. I have no power. I have nothing but emotions and feelings and numbness. What is it I want how do I get it. I want to be loved and I want to love. I want a life filled with warmth and compassion and trust. I want a partner that will be my rock when I need it and will allow me to be his rock when he needs it. I want honesty, trust, faithfulness and passion. I want it all and I want to give my all. Is that to much?