Frustration. Insanity. Bleh

I find myself frustrated once again tonight.. Possible because I continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. For years I have made excuses and justified behaviors for certain people in my life and the older I get the more and more exhausting this becomes. I want to be able to have a reasonable expectations of certain people or persons in my life and for them to put their own selfishness and wants aside for once and be the person they are agreeing to be when they enter into certain situations/obligations. I’m tired of being second and having my needs questioned because of their own personal wants, beliefs, desires. I deserve a little more. I’ve spent much of my life defending and making excuses and I’m exhausted. I reach out and as long as it’s on their terms it’s welcomed but any expectations will almost always lead to a big fat let down. I hope that when I’m in this situation I will handle things different. I believe in choices.. I believe that we all have choices daily and can choose to change or not to change. Why can this person see and show compassion to strangers but not to their own? What’s that about? I’m glad that I didn’t take on this characteristic or make this choice. I’m proud that I’m compassionate and can put others needs above my own. Where I learned this I’m not sure my role models have not been the greatest. I’ve always said they did the best they could and look at where they came from. Well fuck that. I’m tired of being the one that gets the shit end of the stick because I don’t want to rock the boat or hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve spent so much time over the last few years developing good solid friendships and getting rid of the trash but this situation has to be handled differently. I find myself extremely frustrated and angry at the fact that the control seems to be ever present and so real. People that have never met are suddenly concerned about impressions and judgments and that’s just fucked up. I’m exhausted by it all. I feel like my spirit has been pissed on and my energy has been zapped. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I make this choice? I can only change me and hope for others to adjust or change or go away. None of that has happened so far. For once I want to be able to depend on them for unconditional love but yet again I’m reminded their needs are more important than mine or maybe I’m just not worth the trouble it takes to change. Why do even care? What’s this hold? Fuck. Frustrated. Grow up be the person others see in every relationship in your life not just the easy ones. Be an adult, a friend, a sister, a brother a parent. Just fucking do it! Put someone beside yourself first for once! I’m exhausted and good night.