Just an hour away from my departure. I will arrive between 5:30 and 6:00 and the weekend will begin. This last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Thinking about the weekend and what it holds and not knowing what to expect from it. I went to Big Lots a little while ago to look for a cooler to take the food I’ve prepared and as I was walking down the aisle started getting extremely emotional and fighting back tears. I realized today’s the day at that moment. I know I’ve known this for a while but it was like in that moment I knew that today is the day that I begin a new chapter in my life and that I learn some things that are going to help me be a better person and man. This weekend is about growth which is something I always encourage but don’t always practice. I feel like God has given me a calmness about this weekend as of about 11:00 today. I’m not worried, sad or anxious in this moment and it’s all been replaced with excitement about what I can learn and how much I can let go of my control and allow others to just support me, lead me and take care of me. That’s huge for me. Thinking back since I decided to do the weekend I can see evidence that I was trying to sabotage it by asking questions that I didn’t really want the answers to and making excuses about things like I’m not going to be able to sleep because I am a incredibly light sleeper and that’s ok. If I don’t sleep it’s because I’m not meant to. I’m excited about the possibilities. I feel like the enemy has come against me several times and I have no doubt that when I’m facing so much emotional stress and fear that I’m usually doing the right thing. I’ve said for a year now that these men that have been through this weekend have an incredible energy about them and calmness and it’s something I’m very much drawn to it and want some of it for myself! I’m excited about the possibilities. I won’t have access to my phone or electronics or caffeine but it’s going to be ok. This weekend is about me and no distractions. I’m easily distracted and I think it’s almost become a coping skill of mine to allow myself to get distracted or disconnect when things get to difficult. I’m committed to this weekend and allowing myself to be vulnerable with these men and allowing them to guide me through whatever the process. I have prayed for my journey and for the men leading this weekend and I’m confident that it’s going to be incredible. I thank all my incredible friends for the support and love and notes over the last few weeks and days and look forward to sharing my experience when I return. I hope that you all will keep me in your prayers this weekend and will pray that I allow myself to get out of my own way!
Much Love, ~J
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