Emotion Overload

Once again I find myself on an emotional roller coaster. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a lot going on in my life at the moment and although there is a lot of positive I tend to get bogged down with the unknown or uncontrollable. My men’s weekend is coming up I leave this coming Friday and I have to say I have little moments of excitement about it and huge moments of dread, fear, anxiety about it. I have to believe that a lot of what I’m struggling with emotionally is around the upcoming weekend. I’m hoping for a life changing experience or at least some awha moments to help better my life. I hate that I cannot be 100% excited about it but I have so much fear of the unknown and so many things get triggered for me when I feel like I’m walking into something where I’m going to be asked to turn over myself to something or someone else. It’s hard for me to verbalize the emotion that comes up even as I type this I well up with tears and get a pit in my stomach. I keep reminding myself of the people I know that have been through this and how much they say its life changing and try my best to focus on that. I’m also struggling emotionally today, yesterday the day before and I can’t speak for tomorrow but hoping it’ll be better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not walking around with my head down or crying every five minutes or camped out watching lifetime I’m just quiet, anxious and fearful inside. Fearful that I’m going to screw this up “this” being my job, relationship, home etc.. Fearful that I cannot be myself or say what I need to say because it’s going to come out wrong or be inappropriate or hurt feelings or do damage. Sad that I can’t have the picture perfect life that get’s painted in all the movie’s but realistic enough to know that those probably don’t exist. I’m frustrated with myself today about all this emotional crap I carry around and how it plays out in different areas of my life. I think sometimes the easiest thing to do is withdraw and be alone but in those times I find myself desperately wanting my phone to ring or some kind of connection to something outside of me outside of my house even. So much good in my life and I can’t seem to see past my own insecurities, fear and emotions. I want to feel confident in myself in my relationships in my job and every area of my life. I’d like to start with myself and am thinking that might help or even fix the others. I ask for prayer as this weekend approaches and that I go in with an open mind and heart and come out with an idea of what I need to do to be a better man, partner, son and counselor. I want to do this for myself and I just keep thinking how uncomfortable it is for me to do things for myself and why can’t I just allow myself the happiness, joy and blessings God has in store for me and has already provided to me. Today my focus is on allowing myself to be joyful going back to 12 years ago when I was told to start being thankful for the simple things daily and that will lead to thankfulness for the bigger things. I’m going to work on getting my mind right this week before I leave on Friday and try to keep this overwhelming anxiety and fear at bay and Trust the Process!