So haven’t made any entries in a while thought it was about time. I know you folks (all two of you that read these J ) Are dying to know what’s been going on with me. Last entries were about my warriar weekend which was awesome in case you didn’t read them you should. The week after the weekend I was on a high.. Some might say riding a pink cloud (inside thang) I did begin to come down as I got further from the weekend but have been practicing applying what I learned over the weekend and working to identify my shadow when it appears and how to manage/deal/squash it. I’m reminded that growth is challenging and sometimes painful to do. My want is to continue to grow as a person and work towards continuing to apply my mission statement and live an authentic life as a man and person. My emotions have been more in check but I have to say for some reason the last couple of weeks since returning from New Orleans have been funky for me. Emotionally returning back to the day to day grind was hard is hard. Spending a week being careless with Mike and having fun with each other was pretty stinking awesome. So I think coming back to being able to see each other when we can, working and just the daily “stuff” that goes on. Going back to work and listening to problems of others and getting back into that mind set of putting my stuff aside so that I can focus and help my clients has been difficult. I learned I need to take more vacations and that I really love it when Mike and I just get that time together to connect and play like little boys and explore different places and make memories. I miss that not that we aren’t doing that regularly but it’s like concentrated on vacation which is nice. Anyways, started my pit cycle which is the next part warriar training to learn how to apply the weekend stuff learned to day to day life as well as continue the growth and learning process. I went to my first meeting and missed the second because my back was giving my problems. The first one I have to say the beginning was difficult for me I wanted to leave, felt weird and out of place and that old familiar uncomfortable place I get when I’m around men. I stuck it out and it got better and I’m looking forward to going back tonight. It’s so difficult for me to push myself sometimes and do things that either take emotional or physical energy even. That’s something I’m struggling with I used to have so much energy and was constantly doing things and still do they just come in spurts and not as often as they used to. Maybe it’s that getting older thing. My business is continuing to grow I tend to be staying consistent but still need to have a few more clients in order to be where I need to be and grow more. So that I have some room for the slow months which are coming! Weird thing is being unemployed has helped me learn some important lessons about the importance of saving as well as working towards a plan for when the unexpected happen. Sucks that I’m having trouble keeping up with my financial commitments kinda makes me feel like a loser so working through that as well. On the upside I have a home, a car and a job at the moment that is taking care of my basic needs and God is good! Getting ready to do another marketing mail out and I’m getting good feedback from clients and from probation officers that clients are enjoying the classes and learning and that officers are happy with my reports and the information they are getting from me. I’m struggling with the money part because the individuals I work with are typically very low income and have trouble paying for treatment and wish I could offer it for free or get on some insurance panels to help out some folks but it just not happening. I actually thought yesterday wow this is getting difficult to keep up with and then I thought wow that’s kind of a good problem to have. All and all I have a lot to be thankful for and am working towards shifting my focus to those things and being grateful more often and thankful for not just the big stuff but the little stuff as well. I have a lot of positive in my life at the moment and the fact that I’m making any money at all with my business is huge! Opening up a brand new practice and making money and having steady clients is something that typically takes years so God’s hands are all over it I just have to keep doing my part which unfortunately includes stuffing envelopes and doing mass mail outs! Blah hate those! Anyways, so that’s the news in my life these days. Some good some bad some great. Looking forward to continuing my journey of growth, continuing to grow my business and praying for God’s continued hand of blessing and for all the new and incredible men I’m meeting and their families. Also, for my family and all the love and support I feel from them. My mom and sister and nephew were in town this weekend and I finally got to sit face to face with my mom and share with her about my weekend and I cried thinking about it and the experience. I got to ask some very difficult questions about my childhood that I didn’t have answers to and we got to share how we both felt about the sexual abuse from my brother. I know my mom carries guilt around it but didn’t understand just how much. I pray that she can work on that herself. We both talked and talked until almost 2:00am and it was good. As I type this I’m thinking that might also be what is causing some of the emotional stuff I’m feeling because I find when I think about that part of my childhood it tends to drudge up and cause some feelings for a while. Today I’m thankful that I got that time with my mom and that we were able to share openly. She was sad to hear as I’m sad to feel that I have no memories before the 5th grade with the exception of a hand full of experiences from the brother stuff. I still remind myself it happened for a bigger purpose and has made me the man I am today which I’m learning is ok and sometimes even awesome. I’m thankful that I can identify with people’s pain and offer feedback and support. I’m thankful for that part.
I’m loving all the new folks I’m meeting and looking forward to more growth and trying to push myself and grow it’s time. Lot’s of love going out this morning to all my friends and family and feeling better after writing this. It’s a good day.
Much Love, ~J
a.k.a. Glorious Tiger
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