I ask myself.. Self??

I find myself asking myself.. “Self how long will it take?” I know more then I need to know about emotions, feelings and insight. The curse of being a therapist. Sad thing is as much as I know I still do dumb shit. I still ignore big red flags and I still manipulate myself into believing things that I am sure are not true! What’s that about? Over the last few months I’ve had lots of time to reflect and think about why I do what I do. I think a lot of it comes from my idea of what a perfect life looks like. I deal with people every day that are so broken from different life experiences and I myself sometimes feel like I over identify with some of my clients. Meaning I too have experienced very similar things in my life and fortunately I haven’t chosen the same path but looking at my life and the way I deal with things I see a lot of similarities. I look at the way I use food, relationships, sex and sometimes alcohol as a means to cope or feel something other then what I’m feeling in that moment. I don’t think I’m aware of it when I’m doing it but getting some distance from it I can see that being the emotional person I am I’ve developed patterns in my life to “shut down” if you will when I’m on overload from it all. I’ve been doing that for weeks now with this break up and again seeing so many red flags and things are making so much more sense now that I’m out of it. Things that didn’t in it and red flags that I ignored and gut feelings that I didn’t listen to and despite all that feeling as if he called today I would drop everything and be anywhere he asked me to be. That’s what love is right? Wrong! That’s what I’ve made it to be. I’ve developed this idea that love is about what I can give and how much I can do for you rather than just about me; who I am and what I have to offer.. Wow.. That’s big.. What a concept. Love isn’t conditional? Love isn’t about works? That’ is completely foreign to me. I associate the condition to my abuse as a kid the messages I heard from my perpetrator and the relationships I witnessed growing up. Is it their fault? Absolutely not but it played a part in why I believe what I believe. I’m not one of those people that think everything is about my childhood but I am one of those people that believe it plays a part and leads to the whys of how we handle things or for me how I handle things. I think again knowing what I know from my training, therapy and MKP that it should all just fall into place but the truth is we (I) have spent a lifetime building behaviors and habits and patterns and it’s completely unrealistic for me to expect that to change in a set amount of time or even when I want it to! So the question to myself is “Self how long will it take”. The answer is I have no friggin idea.. I think that the work never stops. I’ve always believed if I’m not working or struggling towards something then what’s the point.. I also tell my clients STOP enjoy today be happy in the present we spend too much time working towards things and wants and missing out on what we have right in front of us. The grass is always greener right? Wrong. I think about my weight.. I’ve had lipo, weight loss surgery, taken diet pills and have gotten down to a really great size but couldn’t enjoy it because I wanted to lose 10 more pounds.. What the hell is that about? So all this said.. My goal today is to recognize all the greatness in my life from my stuff to my family and friends and enjoy it! I’m tired of waiting, wanting and looking for something or someone to make me happy. Those things help but ultimately it’s my job to be happy with me and the rest is out of my control. I just keep thinking over and over I deserve better and the more I think that the more I begin to believe that. I’m focused today on enjoying my life just as it is!