The Journey Continues..

I like many before me I’m sure was skeptical about what to expect out of this men’s weekend that attended this past weekend. I almost talked myself out of it several times over the few weeks before I was scheduled to attend but ultimately I made the decision to work through that fear and go. I told myself I know men that have gone before me and they are all still alive and well and talk about the incredible life changing experience they had over their weekend. I arrived Friday a completely calm man (which I give all the glory to God for) and ready for what the weekend would hold having no idea of what would happen, what we would be doing how many men would be there so basically nothing other then what time to show up and that we would be finished sometime Sunday. Spoke with my mom Friday morning because I was very emotional and she talked to me for a while and encouraged me and prayed with me and I got so many great messages to support me and felt a calmness about it on the way and arriving. I felt like I was truly ready to make a change in my life and work through some of the stuff that has kept hold of me since I was a little boy. Walking into a place filled with nothing but men is one of the scariest things for me because I’m not comfortable around men. I have always felt less than, not good enough because I’m gay because I’m not athletic because I don’t fart and piss in public! Stupid I know but that’s how I see men or what a man looks like to me. What I learned this weekend is I am a man an incredible man and all I have to do is own it get in touch with it and let it out. I can tell you I’m probably still not going to fart and piss in public have some boundaries for myself around that. This weekend I learned about myself they ask us not to share details about the weekend which when I first learned about the weekend couldn’t understand but now I get it. It’s so that other men can experience what I experienced and the emotions that come with. I got mad at Mike several times because he’s been through the weekend and is involved and wouldn’t answer my questions and I had lots. For that I’m eternally grateful to you Mike. I respect him greatly for that and having the courage to support me through it knowing I would probably be a little pissed in parts which I was and that it would mostly likely be directed at him which it was but I was able to understand why he didn’t tell me. If he had I wouldn’t have gone. There is a process and unless you experience it the way it’s intended to be experienced you cannot and will not understand it. One thing I heard over and over is “trust the process” and I did! I’ve seen and heard what this weekend has done for other men and I wanted it! I worked through my fear and anxiety and allowed myself to grow. There were several times I wanted to get my stuff and run but I just kept telling myself this is a good positive thing and that the discomfort I was feeling was NOT going to kill me. I felt instantly supported and part of a team which I’ve never felt part of team before especially a team of masculine men. The men in my group were powerful men all with their own “stuff” to work through and they too did incredible work that I got to support them in. Saturday was a turning point for me it was a shift, a transition a step, a leap, a jump and I trusted and I did the work and oh my God I feel free! I got angry, mad, sad was quiet, yelled, cried every spectrum of emotion I felt and it was all GOOD and ok and supported by men! I believe that my life will never be the same. This weekend was about embracing me as a Man as I am and today I feel like a Man a strong courageous Man! To be surrounded by a sea of men some like, some big and masculine and scary some meek and mild but all the same. There was not judgment about sexuality or beliefs or feelings. We were allowed to be who we needed to be and supported in it. To be able to feel comfortable enough to share that I am a Gay man in a room full mostly straight men was scary as hell but so freeing and empowering at the same time and there was no judgment it was powerful! I pushed myself this weekend. I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. There was one place I could have pushed further and I don’t regret that I didn’t but am sad that I couldn’t go there but it was ok again there was no judgment and in that moment I realized it’s ok for me to not do something and to have personal boundaries. I got to participate at my comfort level and no judgment. I don’t have to conform and do what everyone else is doing. They respected all our boundaries and supported us in our decisions. Powerful. I worked my ass off this weekend and am proud of myself for the work I did and proud to say I’m proud of myself and actually believe it. I can’t explain the calmness and peace I feel inside. I wish I could bottle it. When I’ve heard men say it’s a life changing weekend my thought was what could possibly change your life in less than 48 hours but today I know the answer to that question and I’m no longer skeptical or scared of owning who I am. I left feeling confident and loved and part of something incredible. The men that staffed the weekend were incredible. They worked their assess off to help us and guide us and support us in any and every way we needed. They are incredible men that I will forever be grateful for. Their love and support for me was incredible the amount of vulnerability I felt but at the same time completely and utterly safe I cannot describe in words. I went there hoping to deal with some very big issues in my life that have held me back for years and I did my work around those issues and am free of them today I also learned much more about myself. I learned that I am strong, I am worthy of Love, I am good enough, I am a Man, I am a compassionate, I am loving, I am a man, and I am POWERFUL! I played it was fun I allowed myself to just let go and it was incredible. I learned it’s ok to be fragile, it’s ok to be vulnerable it’s not going to kill me to let someone else guide me and give up some of my own control. I don’t know how much more I can say about it except that the Journey continues.

Again, thank you for the love and support this weekend. I felt it I felt the energy being sent my way and it felt good and it kept me grounded and focused on the work. I stayed I finished I am proud!