I LOVE YOU.. These three words have my life in them.

I’m up and I’m thinking. Thinking about a recent conversation thinking about life thinking about what is to come. For me 2009 has been a year full of change some bad some good and some great. I’ve experienced ups and downs with friends family personal employment and I’m sure some others I’m leaving out. I find myself hopeful but also scared. I tend to always be looking into the future and planning ahead and working towards setting myself up to be successful to not be disappointed plotting, planning and generally driving myself crazy as well as a few select friends and family members. One thing I’ve learned this year is I want to put myself out there and what I mean by that is just because I’ve been hurt I can’t stop loving I can’t stop trusting and I can’t stop being me. It scares me to think about what that looks like. What I know is I deserve to be loved unconditionally, deserve someone to be proud of me, proud to have me, proud to love me, proud to hold me, proud to be with me. I sometime think I have high expectations and most of my friends might agree with that statement. I think when it comes to love and relationships we must have high expectations. This might be a thinking error on my part but today it’s how I choose to believe. I believe love makes us crazy it makes us do crazy things. I recently added a friend to my facebook account and when I was reading through his page I came across his favorite quotations which was “There will be a time when you meet someone that will make you realize why it never worked with anyone else” This hit home for me. I feel that I have experienced this recently in my life. He went on to say “I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning, and every single night to tell you sweet dreams. I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears. I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with your most torn up jeans and a plain tee-shirt. I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things that you don't want to do. I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead; it doesn't always have to be on the mouth. I'm the guy who doesn't kiss and tell. I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk. I'm the guy who's excited all day because I'm looking forward to our date that night. I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more. I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room. I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling. I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been, or who he's been with. I'm the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name. I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you. I'm the guy who doesnt mess with other guys when I have you; you're the only one that I need. I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections, and loves you more for them; who wants a perfect guy? that's just boring. I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sun set. I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.” When I read this it was like reading my thoughts written out on someone elses page. This is how I feel. Don’t know if any of you have experienced reading something profound that strikes you through and through but I have and this was one of those things. To me this summarizes love. It summarizes what I strive for and what I want in my life. I’m complicated in so many ways but simple in so many others. My words are complicated the way I communicate is complicated and sometimes I’m quick to make judgements and other times can be the most patient and understanding person ever. In love I find I’m complicated and simple sometimes in the same 60 second period. I’ve learned that to love me is easy but to be with me is a challenge and I recognize that I’m difficult and stubborn and wonderful and crazy but when I love someone you know it and feel it and it’s incredible. All I want is that in return. I’ve written this before and I’m writing it again my sister said something profound to me a while back and that is that I love the way I want to be loved. That statement could not be more perfect in my case. Love is complicated, happy, sad, easy, hard, up and down but it’s worth it. I feel I have found the person that I’m meant to be with and why it hasn’t worked with anyone else. Is it easy? Not at all. Is it worth it? Absolutely. The title is I love you - those three words have my life in them. When I put those three words out I mean it and back it up 100% and all I want is the same. It’s risky letting go and loving unconditionally and putting yourself, myself out there emotionally but I feel like anything less is just a waste of time and energy. Love makes people crazy I can’t explain it or justify it or rationalize it. It is what it is. But my opinion is it’s worth it. To find someone in this world that makes you feel all these wonderful and uncomfortable feelings is truly a gift and one that should be cherished and protected always.

Broken

I found myself really in my head a lot the last few weeks. Being unemployed gives one a lot of time to reflect and think about life and so much more. My mind seems to race off in so many area's lately it's a little scary and hard to keep up. My last post I talked about my need for medication which I have since started back on and I'm sure it must be helping but find myself again with so much time on my hands that I have been spending way to much time in my head. It amazes me at the number of friends I have on Facebook and the number of phone numbers and peoples names in my address book but yet I can go days, weeks sometimes even years without talking to some of them. I have a few friends in my life that that has become what are relationship is we spend months and years without talking but when we see each other it's like we never missed a day. I ran into a friend recently that didn't know that my relationship had ended and I realized wow we haven't spoken or talked in about a year. Time seems to fly as I get older. I was joking with my sister yesterday that somehow I missed 30-31. I'm 31 will be 32 in a few days and I don't remember the 30-31. Crazy. I've been battling some pretty major depression again having all this time on my hands as well as lots of other stressors in my life including but not limited to money, job, family, relationship and emotions running wild. I think I've realized that having a job keeps me busy so I don't have time to think a lot about anything other then work and then when i'm off of work I'm so tired I don't want to think about anything going on in my life. I've been having difficulty sleeping falling mostly because of racing thoughts. All this may sound like rambling because it is. I'm trying to process as I type and see if anything comes to me. The only thing I have so far is to much time is not a good thing for me or at least it feels really uncomfortable. I title this broken because that's how I feel a lot lately. I think it comes from my past relationship being beaten down both emotionally and physically takes a toll on a person. I had to talk to the ex this week which is another reason I'm probably struggling. The conversation was to the point and neither of us were ugly. The house that he wanted that I'm living in since we split up I'm trying to get a lower rate on which requires his signature. His response to my request for help since I'm unemployed and struggling financial is that I should walk away from the house and let it be foreclosed on. Great solution. So I'm back to sucking it up and trying to find money where I can to keep it all going. I know I'm not alone and have help if I need it but don't like to ask for help am not good at accepting help and generally am to prideful to do any of the above. Something else I realize is just how incredibly co-dependent I am. In my relationships with my boyfriend, my family and sometimes even my clients that I over identify with I take on their stress and anxiety. I'm pretty good at managing this most of the time but again with all this time on my hands I find myself thinking about these things more and more. I develop irrational thoughts (or are they) about things in my life, people in my life and circumstances going on around me. I become a conspiracy theorist and worry about things that I have absolutely no control over nor would I want to have control over them. I've always been a person that could be alone and happy but am finding the older I get the more I am not good at being alone or maybe it's just this period of my life. It's a pretty major adjustment living with someone for 5 or 6 years and then not. My biggest fear in life is being alone, abandoned, unloved and broken. I feel a little broken, somewhat alone but not abandoned or unloved. I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to embrace this time and enjoy the journey of self discovery and learn about myself and what makes me me. It's scary looking into myself, having so many thoughts about so many things and sometimes not being able to turn them off. My struggle is real, my feelings are real, my thoughts are mostly real but also irrational at times. Parts of me are broken because of past and present situations and my biggest fear is if my trust and emotions are violated or taken for granted again the possibility of being broken to the point I cannot be repaired. I used to think that wasn't possible but being in the line of work I'm in I see so many broken people and sometimes I honestly feel like so much damage has been done they will not ever be where they need to be and then when someone like that does overcome and does better themselves and heal themselves it gives me hope. I don't want to be a victim or be victimized or allow someone to break me but I also know that if I don't put myself in a position that it's possible that could happen I'm not giving it my all. Makes perfect sense in my head. With that I'm Out! Happy Holidays friends.

More More More..

So wow.. More change in my life. Just when things were starting to slow down the company I was working for folded. Not before screwing most of the employee’s out of several weeks worth of pay myself included! So I decided to start my own practice. This is something I have wanted to do since I became a counselor and has been my long-term goal. I did not realize it would end up happening so quickly. I rented a really cute space and hung my shingle out the week of Thanksgiving. I’ve taken a leap of faith and feel pretty positive. I have to say the first two weeks my phone was ringing and I saw about 15 clients both weeks. This is my third week and it’s been pretty slow. But lots of good things on the horizon. I have a meeting tomorrow with someone high up in Dallas County that is signing me up to be a preferred vendor for Dallas County which I’m hoping will be huge. I’m being told December is not the best month to start a practice but I’m hopeful things will pick up. I’m still waiting for unemployment to start apparently they do not pay you for months in hopes that you will find a job because you have no food or electricity.. Fortunately, I’m not to that point yet but getting close. Lots of stress around money or lack thereof and stress around what if this doesn’t work out. I have a lot of support in my life emotionally which is helping me get through this period. That and my little friend Wellbutrine. Scary stuff but through it all I remain pretty calm and positive that God is in this and because of that it’s going to work out. I’m thankful for a boyfriend that supports me and encouraged me to do this, a family that has been very positive and encouraging and God for keeping my mind at bay (most of the time). I’ve really been battling some depression.. Partly because my doctor would not refill my anti-depressant because I haven’t been in to see her in so long and partly just because of the tremendous amount of change in my life the last year. Truthfully it’s all been good change but as we all know with change comes discomfort and stress which for me sometimes includes some depression. I’m aware of it and working hard to take action to manage it but once again I’m reminded of just how powerful emotions are and how much I don’t have control over this aspect of my life. I’m not good at taking care of myself I think that’s why I chose this profession. I prefer to help and take care of others. When it comes to me or someone offering me help it’s uncomfortable to me. It’s ironic because I want so badly to be supportive and for people to offer help but then when they do it feels so foreign and uncomfortable. I think that comes back to my low self-esteem and self-worth. At least that’s what I’ve learned in therapy. This is a difficult time for me with all the change and “new” in my life. It’s not bad change or bad “new” it’s just different. So this is my attempt to process my feelings, give everyone a quick update and reflect on all that is my life. I’ve stopped looking at the job thing as a bad thing but an opportunity. That came to me a while back and I finally verbalized it just now. This is truly the start of something new and exciting and I have to remain focused on the big picture and trust and have faith that God has opened these doors and is going to provide. He always has and sometimes I forget that in the midst of all my stress but it’s true he has always taken care of me. I almost opened my own practice about two years ago and if I had done it then I know I would not have been successful but it’s so clear to me that the last year and a half with All American Research has put me in a position with the County to potentially make this work. I ran into a stranger at a birthday party a while back that told me he was in private practice and started his practice doing substance abuse evaluations which I have been doing for years and never thought to include before that conversation. It’s so clear as I type that this is what I’m supposed to do! I’m on the right track and I just have to continue to trust.

Writing is powerful! Much love my friends! ~J

Growing Pains

Thought this was an appropriate title for this entry. I challenge myself regularly to grow in so many area’s but when I think about it lately the area’s I usually work to grow are the area’s easy like my career and education. When it comes to my personal growth I find myself running like hell in the opposite direction. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last few months. I’ve learned and am still learning just how much an unhealthy relationship can damage a person or myself I should say. I’ve learned that I have to stay true to me and I have to learn the difference between what is valid and what is not valid when it comes to my feelings, emotions and beliefs. I know I have a pretty intense skill of sensing when someone is being dishonest or when someone is hurting or angry. My clients don’t like this because I often call them on their behaviors and find it’s easy to call others on their behaviors but not so easy to call myself on my own. I find emotionally I tend to go with what I feel vs. the facts. I’m working on going with facts but I’m an emotional person. I’m very much all or nothing. It’s difficult for me to change that and to hold back when all I want to do is share everything on my heart and mind. I know this scares people so I’ve learned to hold back but it literally causes me pain sometimes. I realize I’m a Love Addict. I love being loved I love loving someone else and find I’m most happy when I’m in a relationship. I also feel I’m strong enough to be single and happy. I know I was there once in my life and very satisfied. My sister said something I thought was pretty awesome a while back. She said life is just better when you have someone to share it with and despite all the hard work and trials/tribulations you have to love like there are no boundaries. A good friend of mine suggested earlier that I live in the present. This is something I struggle with. I find myself constantly looking forward and what’s going to happen next. This is in all areas of my life but especially my love life. I’ve always been one to go on the first dates but if I didn’t see potential for something long-term it was over before it started sometimes. I’m going to work on being more present. I’m in a place right now that I’m happy. I have an incredible man in my life who puts up with my craziness (this is a requirement to date me) and find myself looking to the future to see what it holds and where we can go from here and I think it’s important to do that but also think you can miss out on the present this is something I say all the time but am finding I’m not so good at applying it to my own life. I question so many things and my brain is always going and I have to learn to trust and appreciate the time I have. I’ve always been drawn to the “live, laugh, love” saying and those are three things I strive to do in my life daily. Is it possible to love to much? Yes and I’m guilty of this in my life but it’s what I do. It’s frustrating at times and causes problems often but how do you change that? All that said my goal is to challenge myself in other area’s of my life. Focus energy on being present and happy with today. Tomorrow is not a guarantee and I can’t do anything today to change tomorrow so I need to enjoy today. Letting go is scary for me I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be alone in my old age. I’m going to be 32 (stop rolling the eye’s) and I feel like 40 is around the corner. I struggle with the future and what that looks like and today am working on trusting that it will all work out in the end. I also know that sometimes what I want is not necessarily what is best for me and that is something else that is so hard for me to handle but again out of my control. I’m challenging myself emotionally, spiritually and personally to be the best person I can be and trust that God will take care of the rest. With that I’m out. Thanks for listening.

a better place...

What a crazy few weeks it’s been. I finally got the ex to agree to sign off on the house had to give him money of course that’s the only thing that get’s his attention. (dig dig) But that is over and now that it’s mine I’ve been working to get some of the issues taken care of. Got the foundation repaired and the roof patched and ceiling repaired which is another story in itself. Other then money flowing freely out to others things have been going well.

I’m discovering a new joy in life and it’s nice to be happy. I considered myself happy in my relationship but didn’t realize until I was out of it just how unhappy I was. I’m still sad that Chris is so angry at me I had hoped that we could remain friends but that doesn’t not appear to be an option. He has created an idea in his head that I was cheating on him which isn’t true but I think he needs to believe that to make sense of it all. Chris always had to have a reason for things and typically they were not rational. I do wish him lots of happiness in his life and hope that he can let go of his anger and heal at some point. He’s a good person and deserves happiness.

As for me I’m doing great. Mike and I have reconnected which has been really wonderful. This did not happen until my relationship was over but since then it has taken off. We are getting to know each other again and spending time together and it’s really nice. He’s a Spiritual person which I was missing desperately in my life and his love for God has helped me reconnect and not feel ashamed or insecure of my beliefs. We’ve used the “L” word which is both scary and incredible. My biggest challenge is to not get ahead of myself and let things happen as they may and be patient. God seems to always be challenging me in that area of my life.

All in all things are going really well in my life. I have lost a few friends due to the split but people get caught up in rumors and stories and choose to believe whatever they want and as frustrating as it is to me I can’t change that. My true friends are still with me and supporting me and that feels awesome! I have a job that I love a home that is mine and a wonderful person to share it with. I have incredible family to support me and since the death of my sister we have all pulled together and gotten close again which is pretty awesome as well. I’m happy to see what the next chapter holds.. There I go again getting ahead of myself!

I’m out. ~J

Tonight I Hurt

This was a difficult night. I find myself ready for sleep but in my head. My sister, mom and I went to my brother-in-laws house tonight and visited with him and my nephew Chance. We went to dinner had a nice night then went back to their condo and looked through pictures and through Paula’s things. I wasn’t really prepared. Thought I was but really how do you prepare for that? It was emotional, sad and I find myself sad all over again missing my sister. Her laughter, her smile the craziness that was Paula! Wow I miss her and find myself thinking why didn’t I spend more time with her. She was so difficult and hard to be around at times and I find myself feeling guilty for feeling this way and regretting that I didn’t do more. Doesn’t matter at this point but I hope to learn the value of people in my life and how important it is to find time to spend time with those that I love. I find myself exhausted from work a lot helping others and my evenings I want to do nothing. Conversations with Paula were rarely short so lots of times I didn’t take her call’s just because I listen to people’s issues all day and the evenings that is the last thing I wanted to deal with. I am however thankful that the last week of her life I talked to her several times and we had some great conversations. She was in a good place and happy.

I find myself feeling alone even though I’m surrounded by people. So much change the last few months it’s been challenging and difficult but I feel strong most days. Tonight I feel alone even though my family is here with me I feel alone. I know that when they leave I will have friends here to support me but they just got here and I find myself dreading them leaving because I feel like with Paula gone I’m alone in Dallas if that makes sense. I miss having a partner in my life to share my hurt, pain and joy with. I’m thankful for what I do have and the support I have but I am missing the companionship and sometimes that looks like just having someone in the room with me or in the bed with me doesn’t even involve talking. It’ll all work out. I just find myself really sad tonight. The good news is tomorrow or actually it is tomorrow already it’ll be better when I wake up.

I find myself emotionally funky a lot and I know when I put it all in perspective it makes sense but it still sucks. I don’t like being sad, depressed, funky.. I like being strong and on top of things or at least keeping up the appearance!

Thanks for listening..

Whew....

Whew.. What a crazy few months it has been. With the death of my sister 4/18/09 the end of a six year relationship in March new job in February it’s been something every month! I say this lightly because I’m so close to the edge I might just teeter on over if I don’t keep it light. I would say out of all these things my sisters death was the hardest to deal with and is still in process. Paula was a presence to say the very least. When she was around you new it and she always had a smile on her face and never met a stranger (EVER!) embarrassingly so. She would walk up to complete strangers introduce herself and begin talking to them like she had known them for years. And if this wasn’t well received you had better look out cause she wasn’t the type to back away from a challenge. The darker side of Paula was her addiction and she struggled with it most of her life. Paula was in and out of treatment as recently as December of this past year and ultimately it led to her demise. Autopsy shows her heart stop but in detail she had on two pain patches and had been drinking and the combination of those two things were to much for her heart and it stopped. I got to see her at the hospital after they called her time of death and I have to say it was pretty awful. My friend Dusty handled the funeral arrangements and was able to allow my family time to see her a few days later to get some closure and I was very thankful for that because she looked so much more at peace and just like she was a sleep when we saw her the second time. Dusty did a wonderful job and is truly and incredible friend! After my family left I pretty much loaded up all my feelings and put them in a nice little box and placed them on a shelf in my head and decided I needed to rest. Started back to work probably to quickly but needed to be busy that is how I deal with my issues just stay busy! Don’t think about it. Don’t look back! Crazy I know says the therapist. I have such a problem asking for help from others which is ironic because all I want to do is help others! So some of you have noticed the withdrawal and have called me on it.. Others have given me space and some have been in my face with support. This is all good but again I’m the type that I withdrawal and stuff which again I recognize is not healthy! I’m working on it and working on identifying and dealing with all the feelings around her death. I’ve never lost a sibling before so it’s a first for me and I’m fumbling my way through it. I talk about the stages of grief on a regular basis with my clients and need to take that info and apply it to this situation. The biggest part of me wants to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days but the other part of me says no life goes on and we have to keep going. Sucks! All that said I really just needed to vent. Stress is unavoidable in life and I’ve had my share over the last few months. I miss my sister and if you new her you know why! She was a pain in the butt but wow what an awesome person! The good that has come from the death of my sister is that I have a renewed passion for recovery and helping others through the disease of addiction! It’s such a horrible thing to loose someone and especially if it’s something that can be avoided!

Hug your loved one’s today and tell them how much you love them.. My last conversation with Paula was a great one and I am so very grateful we talked that day and that I made time to take her call.

Life is short… Live it to the fullest!

Thanks for letting me share! ~J

Responsibility for Family Members

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.--Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Prayer:Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.

Bi-Polar

An update for my loyal followers…

Things have been good. My emotions have been all over the place up, down, all around. I’ve got lots of support but at the same time feel like I don’t have any. I’m happy but sad, sad but happy. I feel like some of my friends have taken sides when really there aren’t sides to be taken. I’m sad about that. This is un-chartered territory for me. I find myself reflecting back on good and bad times thinking something is missing but at the same time excited about the peace I feel. I huge part of me wants to skip ahead to the next chapter but I know it’s important to finish this chapter. I listen to disco music and feel happy and want to dance then I flip over to Adele and feel sad and think about love and the future and what it holds. My big sister said something to me a while back at the beginning of this. She said life is better with someone to share it with. That was powerful to me. Simple but powerful. She also said that love hurts and at the time she was in a tremendous amount of pain and said no matter what the pain was worth it and didn’t ever want to love any less. Not sure if any of this makes sense. Does in my mind but I’ve also been up for 17 hours and am exhausted.

I guess my point if I have to make one is things are good. I feel bad that I don’t feel worst but I don’t and things are good. They are different and as I stated up and down but mostly just different which is not a bad thing today.

I’m hopeful about the future. I hope things work out the way I think they should and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that all this has been for a reason and I’m thanking God for keeping his protection over me and for putting people in my life that support me and love me and for his amazing humor! Yes God has a sense of humor!

I hope the timing is right this time!

With that I’m out! Reading back over this I think maybe I’m bi-polar! J

Peace Out! ~J

two weeks later

So it's been a while since my last post. Most of you have gotten updates and I've been trying to not vomit my emotions and feelings on you all but I'm afraid I probably have. This has been a very difficult few weeks for me. Chris is still in the house he will be moving out the 28th. I have a roomate setup to move in around that same time so that worked out great and he's an awesome guy so I'm excited! I find myself the last few days really trying to stay away from that big rock I want to crawl under. A couple of my friends.. You know who you are! have gently called me on my disappearing act over the last few days. I honestly am just exhausted by it all. I feel like I've talked and talked and talked and now I just want to be quiet. I am still strong in the decision but the future is so scary. I feel very vulnerable most days and when I start talking about my feelings it is uncomfortable. I have a lot on my plate right now with the house and bills and the thought of being alone the rest of my life! Yes.. I've thought that on more then on occassion. The good news is i'm ok with it. Really I am. I don't want that but I would be ok with it. It's scary thinking about dating and romance and SEX after being in a relationship for 6 years. I've gotten very comfortable in the last 6 years and the thought of doing that again with someone else is exhausting! and a little exciting.. Time heals all I keep hearing so we shall see. Thanks for all the support and love.. Keep it coming!

Untitled

Today I find myself thinking about the future. What’s next? How do I go on from here? What do I do first? These are just a few of my questions. Chris and I made the decision this weekend to separate which has been really difficult for us both. I don’t want to go into detail but it was a mutual decision and one we feel is in the best interest of us both. I find myself feeling all sorts of emotions and am trying my best to sort through them as they arise, feel them, acknowledge them and keep moving forward. I’m honestly not sure where to start but am going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m sad that I’m loosing a partner but happy that I’m keeping a friend. I’m scared to be alone and worried I might not be relationship material or that I might be alone the rest of my life. I know that in life things good and bad come our way I’ve experienced this and am sure everyone else has and I feel it’s what you do with the experience and how you carry yourself afterwards that really defines our character. I’m trying my very best to do this with dignity and character and not disappear like I desperately would like to do at this moment! I’m asking for prayer for both Chris and I as we make this transition in our lives.

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . when in the midst
Of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere
the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or
struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind
tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink
back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world
through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to
stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety
and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with
the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and
that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for
that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin
with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will
always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are . . . and
that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you
learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and, in the process, a
sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you
(or didn't do for you,) and you learn that the only thing you can really
count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they
mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you
and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to
take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety & security is
born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as
they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in
the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize
that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a
result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your
psyche. You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how
you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what
you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where
you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep
with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance
of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you
begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to
discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into
to begin with ,and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is
power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering
through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that
principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a
by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must
build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save
the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish
between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting
boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to
bare is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the
stake.

Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how
to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk
away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a
relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more
lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that
bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not
as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations
and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with
love. And you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your
terms.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror
and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a
perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head
and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing
things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of
entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and
to ask for the things that you want--and that sometimes it is necessary to
make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,
kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you decide you won't settle for
less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to
glorify you with his or her touch . . . and in the process you internalize
the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care
for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet,
drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue
diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take
more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you
deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that
Wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need
direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do
it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber
baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through
your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to
give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And
you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud
of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't
always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to
unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize
things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your
prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You
learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be
understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and
poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to
building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things
We take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can
only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a
long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you
make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle
for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your
window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep
smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful
possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin
to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Author Unknown

Spiritual Funk

I think I'm in a Spiritual Funk. What does that mean? I talked earlier about feeling out of balance and I think I'm really missing the Spiritualality I used to have and felt so strong. God is so awesome though because he never leaves us.. We leave him. I don't feel like I've left God but I have absolutly put him on the back burner which is not cool. I want to rediscover my Spirituality and operate in it like I used to. I was very happy and felt more balanced back then but honestly I have to re-evaluate what my Spirituality looks like again. God is good and I'm putting him back on my list. I talk with my clients often about Spirituality and how important it is and it's so exciting to see them get excited about it. So many of my clients like myself have gone through "Religious Abuse" (Sub-Clinical) I like to call it meaning they grew up in homes where they were forced to go to Church and forced to believe what was being taught to them and told they were going to Hell if they sinned. It's such a sensitive subject to most and people get so turned off and shut down and one thing God has shown me over the years is that I have lived this and can help others. This is not to toot my own horn but people can see it in me at times and tell me they see it.. But I'm sad to say I've gotten really good at turning it off when I don't want to deal with it. Is it possible to turn off God?? I don't think so.. I think part of my addiction is my ability to manipulate. I can't manipulate God but I've gotten great at manipulating my thoughts. I had a really incredible therapist tell me once to write a positive affirmation in my bathroom mirror and see myself surrounded by it daily. The affirmation was "I am a powerful man of God" I thought it was really silly but I did it anyways and it was really powerful. It amazes me as I type how much I pull from my own experiences and share with my clients without even realizing it sometimes. I need to practice these things to get back on track. My friend Carolyn who I admire so very much is always encouraging me to operate in my gifts. She has operated in her's as long as I've known her and Oh My God I can't believe how incredible her life has become as a result. I don't want to operate in them thinking i'm going to get something out of it but the truth is I will and do. It all boils down to I've gotten lazy in the Spirit! If you are still reading this you are probably laughing at me but I get a mental picture of sitting on the sofa watching some goofy movie and eating Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie!
I think another huge part is when my friend Casie took her almost two years ago I got so angry and confused because she called.. I didn't answer my phone... She died. I think that was a turning point for me and I haven't recovered. I need help.. Clinical, Chemical.. I'm not sure..

Just another Manic Monday

Today has been different. Some of you know I gave my notice at The Right Step last Monday this Friday the 20th would be my last day and I went back in to work on Friday 13th just for my boss to tell me they were going to go ahead and let me go early which is no big deal. I was half way expecting it.

This appears to be a new chapter in my life. I got offered a fantastic oppotrunity at AAR where I've been contracting for a few months and get to work with my good friend Paula which I'm really looking forward to and I know I can learn so much from her. I wish I could steal half her energy!

So I gave myself permission to take this week off which was stressful because I won't get paid for it but I can make it.
My emotions have been all over the place the last few days for lots of reasons. I'm finding I'm eating more over the last few days which is not a good sign. I tend to eat when things are uncomfortable emotionally for me. I truly am excited about this new chapter but change is difficult for me. I find myself reflecting on all aspects of my life not just work. I find myself getting emotional for no reason and mind racing off out of control while I try to grab the wheel and focus.. Is any of this making sense?? Probably not. I think I'm probably out of balance and the question is how do I get level.

I'm all over the place! I'm struggling.. Pray for me.

Stress in Advance...

So tomorrow is Monday. I find myself thinking about the upcoming week and feeling tired already. I often tell my clients that worry is having your stress in advance.. As a matter of fact I find myself suggesting to my clients a number of things that I should practice in my own life. Most of the things I share I've learned in my life so am pracitcing but like most things we fall back or I'll say I fall back into old behaviors at times and find myself stressing about things I have no control over. I find myself reminding myself to slow down, take it all in, breathe and remember to not stress about things I have no control over.

This week I'm going to practice not having my stress in advance, say some prayer and practice something I learned a long time ago.. Saying to God "Bless it or Block It!" and then try to stay out of it!

My First Entry

Soooo ... Bloging is the new black.. I've been reading others and thought hey.. I can write a bunch of crap about me that people will want to read.. So here goes..



Welcome to my blog. I'm interested in what you have to say?!? or Am I? Not really. This is my blog so it's all about me me me me me..



The history of Sub-Clinical. As a therapist we generally staff our clients which means we sit around a big table with info on our clients assigned to us and talk about how they are progressing in the treatment and also how they are not. We have developed a few terms during these sessions that we have labeled Sub-Clinical because if we wrote them down we would probably get in big trouble and be considered very unprofessional. A few of our sub-clinical terms include things like "such and such has a case of the crazies!", or "she's all kinds of F'd up because her mom sat her on the toilet backwards as a child" There are many many more but that's just to give you an example or two. I've decided that this was an appropriate title for this blog since I imagine that I will have a number of inappropriate and tacky things to say at times.. So tune in often for more about the craziness that is being therapist!



Oh and you bitches better not give me grief about my spelling or gramar! Keep it to yourselves!