Growing Pains

Thought this was an appropriate title for this entry. I challenge myself regularly to grow in so many area’s but when I think about it lately the area’s I usually work to grow are the area’s easy like my career and education. When it comes to my personal growth I find myself running like hell in the opposite direction. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last few months. I’ve learned and am still learning just how much an unhealthy relationship can damage a person or myself I should say. I’ve learned that I have to stay true to me and I have to learn the difference between what is valid and what is not valid when it comes to my feelings, emotions and beliefs. I know I have a pretty intense skill of sensing when someone is being dishonest or when someone is hurting or angry. My clients don’t like this because I often call them on their behaviors and find it’s easy to call others on their behaviors but not so easy to call myself on my own. I find emotionally I tend to go with what I feel vs. the facts. I’m working on going with facts but I’m an emotional person. I’m very much all or nothing. It’s difficult for me to change that and to hold back when all I want to do is share everything on my heart and mind. I know this scares people so I’ve learned to hold back but it literally causes me pain sometimes. I realize I’m a Love Addict. I love being loved I love loving someone else and find I’m most happy when I’m in a relationship. I also feel I’m strong enough to be single and happy. I know I was there once in my life and very satisfied. My sister said something I thought was pretty awesome a while back. She said life is just better when you have someone to share it with and despite all the hard work and trials/tribulations you have to love like there are no boundaries. A good friend of mine suggested earlier that I live in the present. This is something I struggle with. I find myself constantly looking forward and what’s going to happen next. This is in all areas of my life but especially my love life. I’ve always been one to go on the first dates but if I didn’t see potential for something long-term it was over before it started sometimes. I’m going to work on being more present. I’m in a place right now that I’m happy. I have an incredible man in my life who puts up with my craziness (this is a requirement to date me) and find myself looking to the future to see what it holds and where we can go from here and I think it’s important to do that but also think you can miss out on the present this is something I say all the time but am finding I’m not so good at applying it to my own life. I question so many things and my brain is always going and I have to learn to trust and appreciate the time I have. I’ve always been drawn to the “live, laugh, love” saying and those are three things I strive to do in my life daily. Is it possible to love to much? Yes and I’m guilty of this in my life but it’s what I do. It’s frustrating at times and causes problems often but how do you change that? All that said my goal is to challenge myself in other area’s of my life. Focus energy on being present and happy with today. Tomorrow is not a guarantee and I can’t do anything today to change tomorrow so I need to enjoy today. Letting go is scary for me I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be alone in my old age. I’m going to be 32 (stop rolling the eye’s) and I feel like 40 is around the corner. I struggle with the future and what that looks like and today am working on trusting that it will all work out in the end. I also know that sometimes what I want is not necessarily what is best for me and that is something else that is so hard for me to handle but again out of my control. I’m challenging myself emotionally, spiritually and personally to be the best person I can be and trust that God will take care of the rest. With that I’m out. Thanks for listening.