Broken

I found myself really in my head a lot the last few weeks. Being unemployed gives one a lot of time to reflect and think about life and so much more. My mind seems to race off in so many area's lately it's a little scary and hard to keep up. My last post I talked about my need for medication which I have since started back on and I'm sure it must be helping but find myself again with so much time on my hands that I have been spending way to much time in my head. It amazes me at the number of friends I have on Facebook and the number of phone numbers and peoples names in my address book but yet I can go days, weeks sometimes even years without talking to some of them. I have a few friends in my life that that has become what are relationship is we spend months and years without talking but when we see each other it's like we never missed a day. I ran into a friend recently that didn't know that my relationship had ended and I realized wow we haven't spoken or talked in about a year. Time seems to fly as I get older. I was joking with my sister yesterday that somehow I missed 30-31. I'm 31 will be 32 in a few days and I don't remember the 30-31. Crazy. I've been battling some pretty major depression again having all this time on my hands as well as lots of other stressors in my life including but not limited to money, job, family, relationship and emotions running wild. I think I've realized that having a job keeps me busy so I don't have time to think a lot about anything other then work and then when i'm off of work I'm so tired I don't want to think about anything going on in my life. I've been having difficulty sleeping falling mostly because of racing thoughts. All this may sound like rambling because it is. I'm trying to process as I type and see if anything comes to me. The only thing I have so far is to much time is not a good thing for me or at least it feels really uncomfortable. I title this broken because that's how I feel a lot lately. I think it comes from my past relationship being beaten down both emotionally and physically takes a toll on a person. I had to talk to the ex this week which is another reason I'm probably struggling. The conversation was to the point and neither of us were ugly. The house that he wanted that I'm living in since we split up I'm trying to get a lower rate on which requires his signature. His response to my request for help since I'm unemployed and struggling financial is that I should walk away from the house and let it be foreclosed on. Great solution. So I'm back to sucking it up and trying to find money where I can to keep it all going. I know I'm not alone and have help if I need it but don't like to ask for help am not good at accepting help and generally am to prideful to do any of the above. Something else I realize is just how incredibly co-dependent I am. In my relationships with my boyfriend, my family and sometimes even my clients that I over identify with I take on their stress and anxiety. I'm pretty good at managing this most of the time but again with all this time on my hands I find myself thinking about these things more and more. I develop irrational thoughts (or are they) about things in my life, people in my life and circumstances going on around me. I become a conspiracy theorist and worry about things that I have absolutely no control over nor would I want to have control over them. I've always been a person that could be alone and happy but am finding the older I get the more I am not good at being alone or maybe it's just this period of my life. It's a pretty major adjustment living with someone for 5 or 6 years and then not. My biggest fear in life is being alone, abandoned, unloved and broken. I feel a little broken, somewhat alone but not abandoned or unloved. I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to embrace this time and enjoy the journey of self discovery and learn about myself and what makes me me. It's scary looking into myself, having so many thoughts about so many things and sometimes not being able to turn them off. My struggle is real, my feelings are real, my thoughts are mostly real but also irrational at times. Parts of me are broken because of past and present situations and my biggest fear is if my trust and emotions are violated or taken for granted again the possibility of being broken to the point I cannot be repaired. I used to think that wasn't possible but being in the line of work I'm in I see so many broken people and sometimes I honestly feel like so much damage has been done they will not ever be where they need to be and then when someone like that does overcome and does better themselves and heal themselves it gives me hope. I don't want to be a victim or be victimized or allow someone to break me but I also know that if I don't put myself in a position that it's possible that could happen I'm not giving it my all. Makes perfect sense in my head. With that I'm Out! Happy Holidays friends.