Tonight I Hurt

This was a difficult night. I find myself ready for sleep but in my head. My sister, mom and I went to my brother-in-laws house tonight and visited with him and my nephew Chance. We went to dinner had a nice night then went back to their condo and looked through pictures and through Paula’s things. I wasn’t really prepared. Thought I was but really how do you prepare for that? It was emotional, sad and I find myself sad all over again missing my sister. Her laughter, her smile the craziness that was Paula! Wow I miss her and find myself thinking why didn’t I spend more time with her. She was so difficult and hard to be around at times and I find myself feeling guilty for feeling this way and regretting that I didn’t do more. Doesn’t matter at this point but I hope to learn the value of people in my life and how important it is to find time to spend time with those that I love. I find myself exhausted from work a lot helping others and my evenings I want to do nothing. Conversations with Paula were rarely short so lots of times I didn’t take her call’s just because I listen to people’s issues all day and the evenings that is the last thing I wanted to deal with. I am however thankful that the last week of her life I talked to her several times and we had some great conversations. She was in a good place and happy.

I find myself feeling alone even though I’m surrounded by people. So much change the last few months it’s been challenging and difficult but I feel strong most days. Tonight I feel alone even though my family is here with me I feel alone. I know that when they leave I will have friends here to support me but they just got here and I find myself dreading them leaving because I feel like with Paula gone I’m alone in Dallas if that makes sense. I miss having a partner in my life to share my hurt, pain and joy with. I’m thankful for what I do have and the support I have but I am missing the companionship and sometimes that looks like just having someone in the room with me or in the bed with me doesn’t even involve talking. It’ll all work out. I just find myself really sad tonight. The good news is tomorrow or actually it is tomorrow already it’ll be better when I wake up.

I find myself emotionally funky a lot and I know when I put it all in perspective it makes sense but it still sucks. I don’t like being sad, depressed, funky.. I like being strong and on top of things or at least keeping up the appearance!

Thanks for listening..