Whew....

Whew.. What a crazy few months it has been. With the death of my sister 4/18/09 the end of a six year relationship in March new job in February it’s been something every month! I say this lightly because I’m so close to the edge I might just teeter on over if I don’t keep it light. I would say out of all these things my sisters death was the hardest to deal with and is still in process. Paula was a presence to say the very least. When she was around you new it and she always had a smile on her face and never met a stranger (EVER!) embarrassingly so. She would walk up to complete strangers introduce herself and begin talking to them like she had known them for years. And if this wasn’t well received you had better look out cause she wasn’t the type to back away from a challenge. The darker side of Paula was her addiction and she struggled with it most of her life. Paula was in and out of treatment as recently as December of this past year and ultimately it led to her demise. Autopsy shows her heart stop but in detail she had on two pain patches and had been drinking and the combination of those two things were to much for her heart and it stopped. I got to see her at the hospital after they called her time of death and I have to say it was pretty awful. My friend Dusty handled the funeral arrangements and was able to allow my family time to see her a few days later to get some closure and I was very thankful for that because she looked so much more at peace and just like she was a sleep when we saw her the second time. Dusty did a wonderful job and is truly and incredible friend! After my family left I pretty much loaded up all my feelings and put them in a nice little box and placed them on a shelf in my head and decided I needed to rest. Started back to work probably to quickly but needed to be busy that is how I deal with my issues just stay busy! Don’t think about it. Don’t look back! Crazy I know says the therapist. I have such a problem asking for help from others which is ironic because all I want to do is help others! So some of you have noticed the withdrawal and have called me on it.. Others have given me space and some have been in my face with support. This is all good but again I’m the type that I withdrawal and stuff which again I recognize is not healthy! I’m working on it and working on identifying and dealing with all the feelings around her death. I’ve never lost a sibling before so it’s a first for me and I’m fumbling my way through it. I talk about the stages of grief on a regular basis with my clients and need to take that info and apply it to this situation. The biggest part of me wants to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days but the other part of me says no life goes on and we have to keep going. Sucks! All that said I really just needed to vent. Stress is unavoidable in life and I’ve had my share over the last few months. I miss my sister and if you new her you know why! She was a pain in the butt but wow what an awesome person! The good that has come from the death of my sister is that I have a renewed passion for recovery and helping others through the disease of addiction! It’s such a horrible thing to loose someone and especially if it’s something that can be avoided!

Hug your loved one’s today and tell them how much you love them.. My last conversation with Paula was a great one and I am so very grateful we talked that day and that I made time to take her call.

Life is short… Live it to the fullest!

Thanks for letting me share! ~J