Welcome Shadow.

Sad that you continue to lie. To me, to yourself and to people around you. Frustrated that you choose that life over this one. Sad that you still cannot be honest with me. Sad that you try to turn it around and put your shame and issues on me. I don’t take it on. That’s your stuff. I’ve been open, honest and raw with you only for you to continue to be dishonest, non committal and fake with me, yourself and others. It’s sad this addiction you have and I hoped this would be a turning point for you, for me and for us but you choose that sickness and not to work but to run. That makes me sad for you. We had something good and could have been incredible but you turned your back when the road got to rocky and you choose the easy path. The path that is familiar and yet so dangerous and ultimately leads to a life of loneliness and lies. I’m sad for you tonight. Sad that you can’t see past your addiction like I could and see the true man standing behind his shadow. I was willing to support you and I’ve watched you grow but it wasn’t enough. I keep thinking it’s me I’m not enough but I know better. I get addiction I work with it every day I’ve struggled with it myself. I understand that you have a choice to make and you choose your disease. I hope that someday you wake up and seek help and will let someone in. That you let your guard down and let someone love that little boy inside you that so desperately needs to be loved and taken care of. I know this isn’t possible until you can love yourself and I don’t believe you are doing that. I believe you had an opportunity and you bailed. You ran back to what’s comfortable. I’m sad that even today when confronted with your behavior you choose to try to blame me and make it about me. It’s not about me. It’s about you and your illness. I see an incredible man that is capable of so much more. I’m sorry that your addiction is leading you back down that path. I wish I could stop it but you don’t want help at least not mine. I wish you could see it. Living in that shadow does not have to be the end all. But I’m fearful for you it will be. I love you and wish you the best.

Your Smell

Tonight while gathering laundry I found your shirt. I can't bring myself to wash it because it has your smell. Intoxicated by the smell of you and amazed at how your smell can bring back so many memories. I can remember when you wore it last and remember that night so clearly.. I miss your smell and your touch and the comfort I felt in your arms. I miss holding you and comforting you and kissing you. I miss hearing your voice and smiling at the thought of getting to see you and smiling when you would pop into my head throughout the day. The way we could finish each others thoughts and the fun we had on our trips and our conversations laying in bed. The Sunday I returned from my warriar weekend laying there for hours just talking and crying I will remember that always. I used to try to explain to you the way you smelled you would laugh at me but then you would leave t-shirts on the pillow next to me when you had to leave in the mornings for me to snuggle with like I used to do with my boys when they were puppies. I feel like a puppy when I'm with you. Happy, giddy, playful. I miss you. I'm in a good place remembering good times and comforted by my prayer time this morning. I trust it's all going to be ok and I realize I might not get what I want but I am ok with allowing God to work out the details. I'm trusting the process today. I'm feeling my feelings as they come and trying to acknowledge them and move forward. I prayed for you today. That God would send comfort and peace your way. I prayed that he would wrap his big loving arms around you and comfort you as well. I don't know what you are feeling or how you are doing but I Love you and hope you are well and taking care of yourself above all else. I want nothing but good things for us both and hope that this is just a temporary break but again realize there's a bigger plan and am comforted tonight by the love I feel from God and all the incredible people I have that support and love me. I'm comforted by your smell and the incredible memories we made in such a short time. I'm hopeful and at peace. I saw Eat, Pray, Love tonight and one of the lines was when you think of me send love and light and then let it go. I'm working on doing just that. I want love and light to guide you. I hope that we are guided back to one another but if not I know that I will be ok.

Inside on the Outside

Saturday was the day. I had given myself the deadline of Sunday but when we talked on Saturday nothing had changed so what would one more day do? I'm surrounded by songs, images and smells that remind me of him. I'm sad by the messages in my head. I'm not good enough, I wasn't worth fighting for, I'm not worthy of love. Messages programmed in me from early childhood message told to me from my abuser, my family, friends strangers people who should love me unconditionally showed me mostly conditional love so that lesson I got loud and clear. I've continued this pattern in my adult life. I love unconditionally but with the condition of being loved so what's that mean? I have no idea.. I struggle with blaming myself it's all my fault it didn't work but I know that that is not true. Why can I forgive but he cannot. Why did it have to end. How could I spend so much of my life thinking about what if and be given the opportunity only for it to just end. I have all these memories this doesn't seem real. But it is real and it is sad. I'm struggling daily minute by minute constantly making the decision i'm going to be ok.. Time. Time. Time.. I have lots of time it's my enemy right now. I'm trying to tell myself I am worth it. I'm worth everything I have to give and then some but as many times as I tell myself that it still comes full circle to I don't want this. I don't want to be without him. How can one person mean so much to me. How can someone that means so much to me not feel the same or show me that I'm worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for. I keep thinking of my parents how much struggle they went through how they divorced and then remarried and fought for each other. I want that. I want someone to fight for me, to not give up on me to love me no matter my faults. Does that exist? Am I fooling myself? Why can't I focus on something else. I have so much I need to do at home at work with clients. I don't want to do any of it. I want to drink and be destructive. This isn't me.. I'm not sure who this is. My feeling is anger, sadness, worthlessness. I'm pissed that I post sad depressing things but I want an outlet for my pain. I hate this. I love him. I've always loved him. Why can't it work. I keep hoping it's going to change. If he showed up today and said I want you back I would jump into his arms. I'm not sure what that makes me.

Movie's Shmovies!

Saw a movie tonight won’t say which but could see my current life situation all throughout. The problem I have with movies is they distort life. I think I’ve been programed to believe that what I watch and stories I see are what should happen in real life when really life is not so interesting. Don’t get me wrong this movie was chaulked full of real life events and sparked emotion that I’ve been feeling already and guess what ended on a happy note.. Unfortunatly what I’ve learned is things don’t always end on an up note. I was happy that the movie ended postively but sad that my life wasn’t going as smooth and that it’s not really as simple as movies make it out to be. I want a happy ending in my story but honestly am not even really sure what that looks like. I struggle with being really angry to being really sad and being justified to being pissed off at myself and the other characters playing in my life story. Mostly disappointed that I’m in this place. Sad that things are on hold even though they aren’t on hold they just aren’t happening at my pace which feels like hold. Truthfully, again I’m struggling with what do I even want to happen in my version. I know this. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to be cherished, adored, spoiled, kissed, carressed, chased, desired. I want my partner to want to be with me and when he’s not with me think about me and the next time we will be together. I want all this because this is what I have to offer. I love to love. I love to share my love. Part of the movie tonight one of the scenes talks about how in a marriage it’s work and sometimes you loose site of one another and just see your own projections on each other. Love is confusing, it’s hard and it’s frustrating. I think it’s worth it but I even find myself quetioning that some lately. All of this could because of the position I’m in. It’s hard to imagine getting what you’ve wanted most of your life and then struggling so much throughout the process. There is good and bad in anything and I believe that the good out weighs the bad in this but I’ve become so unsure of myself and my own judgements that I could be out of my mind. I see couples weekly in therapy struggling with similar issues or the exact same issues and trying so hard to work it out with each other because of love. Somone asked is it love or is it fear of failure.. That one stumped me. I want to say it’s all in the name of love but what the hell do I know. I’ve been in love, out of love and I’m no expert. I’m not even sure I’m clear on what it looks like or smells like or taste like. I want to believe that the t-shirt I hold on to that smells of the one is what love smells like, that the memories and the feelings I get when we are together or the dreams I have when we are apart or when I wake up with my hands around my pillow and for a minute think things are back to normal or the way they used to be and suddenly I realize.. Same situation different day. I don’t like this feeling. I’ve never been in a place of such uncertainty and my feelings change on the hour it’s insanity. They say love will make you crazy so maybe this is my confirmation. I’m struggling. I’m sad. I want to be happy. I am happy. I want that someone that compliments me in my happiness and that I compliment in theirs. I want to be a rock for someone. I want them to know that my love doesn’t waiver in storms or in tribulations and that sometimes we. I. do stupid things have done stupid things. You’ve done stupid things. Why do we do this to ourselves, to our loved one’s to each other. I want all the desires of my heart and I want to be the desire of someone else’s heart. I want to grow old happy. That looks like companionship to me but maybe I’ve just watched to many movies. Maybe my idea of happiness is fucked. Maybe I’m unrealistic and crazy. I don’t know. I just know that what I feel today is distance, sadness and I want to feel something else. I want to get a full night of sleep and see how I feel after that but I can’t. I can’t sleep. I’m up till 2, 3, 4 then awake by 7, 8 it’s insanity. I’m emotionless and emotional all in the same 60 seconds. I wish I could change the past I wish I had power over the future. I wish life was as simple as it is in the movies. It’s just not. I have no power. I have nothing but emotions and feelings and numbness. What is it I want how do I get it. I want to be loved and I want to love. I want a life filled with warmth and compassion and trust. I want a partner that will be my rock when I need it and will allow me to be his rock when he needs it. I want honesty, trust, faithfulness and passion. I want it all and I want to give my all. Is that to much?

What to do..

Just have some random crap on my mind. Can't go into detail but I'm in a place of pure confusion. My brain and heart are once again at odds. The potential for something huge could be on the horizon but it's unclear if it's huge good or huge bad.. I've learned life is full of risk some worth taking some not. I've learned life is short and precious. What to do? I want to follow my heart.. I'm scared to do so. I wish the answers were clear I wish I didn't have so much fear. Either way it's scary. Could be good.. Could be GREAT or it could be bad. I'm wanting clarity and an easy solution but there isn't one. I see nothing but risk. It's a risk I desperatly want to take but so fearful. What to do?