Love Fest

This week has been incredible. The energy from this weekend has carried throughout and I’ve literally had trouble trying to contain it. Tonight was the graduation ceremony for the new warriars and it was incredible to be reminded of the weekend here the warriars talk about their experiences, have their friends and family share what the transformations they witnessed in their loved one. Mike made it a special night by inviting friends and I was very surprised and felt very loved and supported when I saw Jannie, Cindy, Robert, Anna and Jack there to support me! I’m truly grateful for that and thankful that you could share in the “love fest” I’ll call it. I’m sad to say that my shadow showed up afterwards and put a damper on the evening for me. I’m working to shake it off and reflect on the love and kind words and thoughts that were put out to me and to others. I have to remind myself that just because I’m alone I’m not really alone. I’m thankful to be part of an incredible organization that is doing just what their mission states “Changing the World one Man at a time”! I’m proud to be one of those men and have a community of men to support me here in Dallas. Tonight I’m happy, sad and fearful. I’m happy that I have this support and love, sad that I allowed old messages to creep into my head afterwards and fearful that this joy and inspiration will go away. I know after something so powerful there is usually a “come down” period if you will. I haven’t gotten there yet and am hopeful that I won’t or that it happens gradually. I’m looking forward to the next step in this journey and learning more and how I can apply it. I’m reminding myself that the words and feedback I received I’m worthy of and can own as a Man today. I recognize my shadow is present tonight as I sit outside on the patio in the dark listening to the crickets and cars passing and I recognize just how quickly it can come up on me. Some old messages played in my head tonight and I allowed it to steal my joy. I want to thank Mike for being so thoughtful tonight and making my graduation special and inviting friends to celebrate in it with me. Thank you to the men that supported me and their families for supporting them. The love and kindness that I felt tonight was incredible. Seeing my before and after photo was crazy and brought back the emotions I felt both in the beginning and the end. I’ll cherish it always. With this I’m out.

The Journey Continues..

I like many before me I’m sure was skeptical about what to expect out of this men’s weekend that attended this past weekend. I almost talked myself out of it several times over the few weeks before I was scheduled to attend but ultimately I made the decision to work through that fear and go. I told myself I know men that have gone before me and they are all still alive and well and talk about the incredible life changing experience they had over their weekend. I arrived Friday a completely calm man (which I give all the glory to God for) and ready for what the weekend would hold having no idea of what would happen, what we would be doing how many men would be there so basically nothing other then what time to show up and that we would be finished sometime Sunday. Spoke with my mom Friday morning because I was very emotional and she talked to me for a while and encouraged me and prayed with me and I got so many great messages to support me and felt a calmness about it on the way and arriving. I felt like I was truly ready to make a change in my life and work through some of the stuff that has kept hold of me since I was a little boy. Walking into a place filled with nothing but men is one of the scariest things for me because I’m not comfortable around men. I have always felt less than, not good enough because I’m gay because I’m not athletic because I don’t fart and piss in public! Stupid I know but that’s how I see men or what a man looks like to me. What I learned this weekend is I am a man an incredible man and all I have to do is own it get in touch with it and let it out. I can tell you I’m probably still not going to fart and piss in public have some boundaries for myself around that. This weekend I learned about myself they ask us not to share details about the weekend which when I first learned about the weekend couldn’t understand but now I get it. It’s so that other men can experience what I experienced and the emotions that come with. I got mad at Mike several times because he’s been through the weekend and is involved and wouldn’t answer my questions and I had lots. For that I’m eternally grateful to you Mike. I respect him greatly for that and having the courage to support me through it knowing I would probably be a little pissed in parts which I was and that it would mostly likely be directed at him which it was but I was able to understand why he didn’t tell me. If he had I wouldn’t have gone. There is a process and unless you experience it the way it’s intended to be experienced you cannot and will not understand it. One thing I heard over and over is “trust the process” and I did! I’ve seen and heard what this weekend has done for other men and I wanted it! I worked through my fear and anxiety and allowed myself to grow. There were several times I wanted to get my stuff and run but I just kept telling myself this is a good positive thing and that the discomfort I was feeling was NOT going to kill me. I felt instantly supported and part of a team which I’ve never felt part of team before especially a team of masculine men. The men in my group were powerful men all with their own “stuff” to work through and they too did incredible work that I got to support them in. Saturday was a turning point for me it was a shift, a transition a step, a leap, a jump and I trusted and I did the work and oh my God I feel free! I got angry, mad, sad was quiet, yelled, cried every spectrum of emotion I felt and it was all GOOD and ok and supported by men! I believe that my life will never be the same. This weekend was about embracing me as a Man as I am and today I feel like a Man a strong courageous Man! To be surrounded by a sea of men some like, some big and masculine and scary some meek and mild but all the same. There was not judgment about sexuality or beliefs or feelings. We were allowed to be who we needed to be and supported in it. To be able to feel comfortable enough to share that I am a Gay man in a room full mostly straight men was scary as hell but so freeing and empowering at the same time and there was no judgment it was powerful! I pushed myself this weekend. I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. There was one place I could have pushed further and I don’t regret that I didn’t but am sad that I couldn’t go there but it was ok again there was no judgment and in that moment I realized it’s ok for me to not do something and to have personal boundaries. I got to participate at my comfort level and no judgment. I don’t have to conform and do what everyone else is doing. They respected all our boundaries and supported us in our decisions. Powerful. I worked my ass off this weekend and am proud of myself for the work I did and proud to say I’m proud of myself and actually believe it. I can’t explain the calmness and peace I feel inside. I wish I could bottle it. When I’ve heard men say it’s a life changing weekend my thought was what could possibly change your life in less than 48 hours but today I know the answer to that question and I’m no longer skeptical or scared of owning who I am. I left feeling confident and loved and part of something incredible. The men that staffed the weekend were incredible. They worked their assess off to help us and guide us and support us in any and every way we needed. They are incredible men that I will forever be grateful for. Their love and support for me was incredible the amount of vulnerability I felt but at the same time completely and utterly safe I cannot describe in words. I went there hoping to deal with some very big issues in my life that have held me back for years and I did my work around those issues and am free of them today I also learned much more about myself. I learned that I am strong, I am worthy of Love, I am good enough, I am a Man, I am a compassionate, I am loving, I am a man, and I am POWERFUL! I played it was fun I allowed myself to just let go and it was incredible. I learned it’s ok to be fragile, it’s ok to be vulnerable it’s not going to kill me to let someone else guide me and give up some of my own control. I don’t know how much more I can say about it except that the Journey continues.

Again, thank you for the love and support this weekend. I felt it I felt the energy being sent my way and it felt good and it kept me grounded and focused on the work. I stayed I finished I am proud!

The Journey Begins...

Just an hour away from my departure. I will arrive between 5:30 and 6:00 and the weekend will begin. This last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Thinking about the weekend and what it holds and not knowing what to expect from it. I went to Big Lots a little while ago to look for a cooler to take the food I’ve prepared and as I was walking down the aisle started getting extremely emotional and fighting back tears. I realized today’s the day at that moment. I know I’ve known this for a while but it was like in that moment I knew that today is the day that I begin a new chapter in my life and that I learn some things that are going to help me be a better person and man. This weekend is about growth which is something I always encourage but don’t always practice. I feel like God has given me a calmness about this weekend as of about 11:00 today. I’m not worried, sad or anxious in this moment and it’s all been replaced with excitement about what I can learn and how much I can let go of my control and allow others to just support me, lead me and take care of me. That’s huge for me. Thinking back since I decided to do the weekend I can see evidence that I was trying to sabotage it by asking questions that I didn’t really want the answers to and making excuses about things like I’m not going to be able to sleep because I am a incredibly light sleeper and that’s ok. If I don’t sleep it’s because I’m not meant to. I’m excited about the possibilities. I feel like the enemy has come against me several times and I have no doubt that when I’m facing so much emotional stress and fear that I’m usually doing the right thing. I’ve said for a year now that these men that have been through this weekend have an incredible energy about them and calmness and it’s something I’m very much drawn to it and want some of it for myself! I’m excited about the possibilities. I won’t have access to my phone or electronics or caffeine but it’s going to be ok. This weekend is about me and no distractions. I’m easily distracted and I think it’s almost become a coping skill of mine to allow myself to get distracted or disconnect when things get to difficult. I’m committed to this weekend and allowing myself to be vulnerable with these men and allowing them to guide me through whatever the process. I have prayed for my journey and for the men leading this weekend and I’m confident that it’s going to be incredible. I thank all my incredible friends for the support and love and notes over the last few weeks and days and look forward to sharing my experience when I return. I hope that you all will keep me in your prayers this weekend and will pray that I allow myself to get out of my own way!

Much Love, ~J

Emotion Overload

Once again I find myself on an emotional roller coaster. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a lot going on in my life at the moment and although there is a lot of positive I tend to get bogged down with the unknown or uncontrollable. My men’s weekend is coming up I leave this coming Friday and I have to say I have little moments of excitement about it and huge moments of dread, fear, anxiety about it. I have to believe that a lot of what I’m struggling with emotionally is around the upcoming weekend. I’m hoping for a life changing experience or at least some awha moments to help better my life. I hate that I cannot be 100% excited about it but I have so much fear of the unknown and so many things get triggered for me when I feel like I’m walking into something where I’m going to be asked to turn over myself to something or someone else. It’s hard for me to verbalize the emotion that comes up even as I type this I well up with tears and get a pit in my stomach. I keep reminding myself of the people I know that have been through this and how much they say its life changing and try my best to focus on that. I’m also struggling emotionally today, yesterday the day before and I can’t speak for tomorrow but hoping it’ll be better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not walking around with my head down or crying every five minutes or camped out watching lifetime I’m just quiet, anxious and fearful inside. Fearful that I’m going to screw this up “this” being my job, relationship, home etc.. Fearful that I cannot be myself or say what I need to say because it’s going to come out wrong or be inappropriate or hurt feelings or do damage. Sad that I can’t have the picture perfect life that get’s painted in all the movie’s but realistic enough to know that those probably don’t exist. I’m frustrated with myself today about all this emotional crap I carry around and how it plays out in different areas of my life. I think sometimes the easiest thing to do is withdraw and be alone but in those times I find myself desperately wanting my phone to ring or some kind of connection to something outside of me outside of my house even. So much good in my life and I can’t seem to see past my own insecurities, fear and emotions. I want to feel confident in myself in my relationships in my job and every area of my life. I’d like to start with myself and am thinking that might help or even fix the others. I ask for prayer as this weekend approaches and that I go in with an open mind and heart and come out with an idea of what I need to do to be a better man, partner, son and counselor. I want to do this for myself and I just keep thinking how uncomfortable it is for me to do things for myself and why can’t I just allow myself the happiness, joy and blessings God has in store for me and has already provided to me. Today my focus is on allowing myself to be joyful going back to 12 years ago when I was told to start being thankful for the simple things daily and that will lead to thankfulness for the bigger things. I’m going to work on getting my mind right this week before I leave on Friday and try to keep this overwhelming anxiety and fear at bay and Trust the Process!