Forgiveness

Today I discovered I have the power. I’ve gotten glimpses of this power in the past but I was reminded today during therapy that it’s up to me to decide what is best for my life. So that said I’m letting go. I’ve held on for a few months to the hope that things would work out all along the way thinking today’s the day that it changes. The truth is if it changed today I’m not sure that I would want it after this amount of time and heart ache. My therapist says I should work on forgiveness which is difficult because I keep avoiding anger because to me if I get angry that means I’m a step closer to acceptance which I don’t feel ready for. However, what I keep reminding myself of is that I deserve better. Not to say that he’s not good enough we just unfortunately aren’t good enough for the other. I’m sad still at the thought of letting go of something I’ve held onto for 10 years. The thought that this opportunity surfaced but yet he couldn’t see it as an opportunity to grow as a couple and individually but rather he choose the easy way and they way he’s chosen most of his life which was to shut down, turn away and avoid the issue. This makes me sad for him and also sad for me. I understand that I’m at fault for my part but I also understand that I’m not totally at fault and that has been a challenge to get to. I’ve been self-destructive and sad long enough and it’s time to let go and move on. So today my goal is to begin to forgive like my therapist has suggested. Both myself and him. I realize that there is life after this and my goal is to get on with mine. I want to be a better person and learn from this experience. I want to work on being happy with me and stop thinking immediately when there is a problem it’s my fault and look at things as they are which is sometimes people have problems and they are just that “their problems” and it’s not my fault and I’m not to blame. I’ve learned a few things about the person I thought I new and all I can say is I still love him and hope the best for him and hopefully one day he will face his demons just like one day I will face mine. There are so many to be faced and I’ve spent a lot of my life dealing with them but I still have more work to do. I’m hopeful for my future and today I decide to end this and wait no longer. Let the journey begin.