I LOVE YOU.. These three words have my life in them.

I’m up and I’m thinking. Thinking about a recent conversation thinking about life thinking about what is to come. For me 2009 has been a year full of change some bad some good and some great. I’ve experienced ups and downs with friends family personal employment and I’m sure some others I’m leaving out. I find myself hopeful but also scared. I tend to always be looking into the future and planning ahead and working towards setting myself up to be successful to not be disappointed plotting, planning and generally driving myself crazy as well as a few select friends and family members. One thing I’ve learned this year is I want to put myself out there and what I mean by that is just because I’ve been hurt I can’t stop loving I can’t stop trusting and I can’t stop being me. It scares me to think about what that looks like. What I know is I deserve to be loved unconditionally, deserve someone to be proud of me, proud to have me, proud to love me, proud to hold me, proud to be with me. I sometime think I have high expectations and most of my friends might agree with that statement. I think when it comes to love and relationships we must have high expectations. This might be a thinking error on my part but today it’s how I choose to believe. I believe love makes us crazy it makes us do crazy things. I recently added a friend to my facebook account and when I was reading through his page I came across his favorite quotations which was “There will be a time when you meet someone that will make you realize why it never worked with anyone else” This hit home for me. I feel that I have experienced this recently in my life. He went on to say “I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning, and every single night to tell you sweet dreams. I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears. I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with your most torn up jeans and a plain tee-shirt. I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things that you don't want to do. I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead; it doesn't always have to be on the mouth. I'm the guy who doesn't kiss and tell. I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk. I'm the guy who's excited all day because I'm looking forward to our date that night. I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more. I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room. I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling. I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been, or who he's been with. I'm the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name. I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you. I'm the guy who doesnt mess with other guys when I have you; you're the only one that I need. I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections, and loves you more for them; who wants a perfect guy? that's just boring. I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sun set. I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.” When I read this it was like reading my thoughts written out on someone elses page. This is how I feel. Don’t know if any of you have experienced reading something profound that strikes you through and through but I have and this was one of those things. To me this summarizes love. It summarizes what I strive for and what I want in my life. I’m complicated in so many ways but simple in so many others. My words are complicated the way I communicate is complicated and sometimes I’m quick to make judgements and other times can be the most patient and understanding person ever. In love I find I’m complicated and simple sometimes in the same 60 second period. I’ve learned that to love me is easy but to be with me is a challenge and I recognize that I’m difficult and stubborn and wonderful and crazy but when I love someone you know it and feel it and it’s incredible. All I want is that in return. I’ve written this before and I’m writing it again my sister said something profound to me a while back and that is that I love the way I want to be loved. That statement could not be more perfect in my case. Love is complicated, happy, sad, easy, hard, up and down but it’s worth it. I feel I have found the person that I’m meant to be with and why it hasn’t worked with anyone else. Is it easy? Not at all. Is it worth it? Absolutely. The title is I love you - those three words have my life in them. When I put those three words out I mean it and back it up 100% and all I want is the same. It’s risky letting go and loving unconditionally and putting yourself, myself out there emotionally but I feel like anything less is just a waste of time and energy. Love makes people crazy I can’t explain it or justify it or rationalize it. It is what it is. But my opinion is it’s worth it. To find someone in this world that makes you feel all these wonderful and uncomfortable feelings is truly a gift and one that should be cherished and protected always.

Broken

I found myself really in my head a lot the last few weeks. Being unemployed gives one a lot of time to reflect and think about life and so much more. My mind seems to race off in so many area's lately it's a little scary and hard to keep up. My last post I talked about my need for medication which I have since started back on and I'm sure it must be helping but find myself again with so much time on my hands that I have been spending way to much time in my head. It amazes me at the number of friends I have on Facebook and the number of phone numbers and peoples names in my address book but yet I can go days, weeks sometimes even years without talking to some of them. I have a few friends in my life that that has become what are relationship is we spend months and years without talking but when we see each other it's like we never missed a day. I ran into a friend recently that didn't know that my relationship had ended and I realized wow we haven't spoken or talked in about a year. Time seems to fly as I get older. I was joking with my sister yesterday that somehow I missed 30-31. I'm 31 will be 32 in a few days and I don't remember the 30-31. Crazy. I've been battling some pretty major depression again having all this time on my hands as well as lots of other stressors in my life including but not limited to money, job, family, relationship and emotions running wild. I think I've realized that having a job keeps me busy so I don't have time to think a lot about anything other then work and then when i'm off of work I'm so tired I don't want to think about anything going on in my life. I've been having difficulty sleeping falling mostly because of racing thoughts. All this may sound like rambling because it is. I'm trying to process as I type and see if anything comes to me. The only thing I have so far is to much time is not a good thing for me or at least it feels really uncomfortable. I title this broken because that's how I feel a lot lately. I think it comes from my past relationship being beaten down both emotionally and physically takes a toll on a person. I had to talk to the ex this week which is another reason I'm probably struggling. The conversation was to the point and neither of us were ugly. The house that he wanted that I'm living in since we split up I'm trying to get a lower rate on which requires his signature. His response to my request for help since I'm unemployed and struggling financial is that I should walk away from the house and let it be foreclosed on. Great solution. So I'm back to sucking it up and trying to find money where I can to keep it all going. I know I'm not alone and have help if I need it but don't like to ask for help am not good at accepting help and generally am to prideful to do any of the above. Something else I realize is just how incredibly co-dependent I am. In my relationships with my boyfriend, my family and sometimes even my clients that I over identify with I take on their stress and anxiety. I'm pretty good at managing this most of the time but again with all this time on my hands I find myself thinking about these things more and more. I develop irrational thoughts (or are they) about things in my life, people in my life and circumstances going on around me. I become a conspiracy theorist and worry about things that I have absolutely no control over nor would I want to have control over them. I've always been a person that could be alone and happy but am finding the older I get the more I am not good at being alone or maybe it's just this period of my life. It's a pretty major adjustment living with someone for 5 or 6 years and then not. My biggest fear in life is being alone, abandoned, unloved and broken. I feel a little broken, somewhat alone but not abandoned or unloved. I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to embrace this time and enjoy the journey of self discovery and learn about myself and what makes me me. It's scary looking into myself, having so many thoughts about so many things and sometimes not being able to turn them off. My struggle is real, my feelings are real, my thoughts are mostly real but also irrational at times. Parts of me are broken because of past and present situations and my biggest fear is if my trust and emotions are violated or taken for granted again the possibility of being broken to the point I cannot be repaired. I used to think that wasn't possible but being in the line of work I'm in I see so many broken people and sometimes I honestly feel like so much damage has been done they will not ever be where they need to be and then when someone like that does overcome and does better themselves and heal themselves it gives me hope. I don't want to be a victim or be victimized or allow someone to break me but I also know that if I don't put myself in a position that it's possible that could happen I'm not giving it my all. Makes perfect sense in my head. With that I'm Out! Happy Holidays friends.

More More More..

So wow.. More change in my life. Just when things were starting to slow down the company I was working for folded. Not before screwing most of the employee’s out of several weeks worth of pay myself included! So I decided to start my own practice. This is something I have wanted to do since I became a counselor and has been my long-term goal. I did not realize it would end up happening so quickly. I rented a really cute space and hung my shingle out the week of Thanksgiving. I’ve taken a leap of faith and feel pretty positive. I have to say the first two weeks my phone was ringing and I saw about 15 clients both weeks. This is my third week and it’s been pretty slow. But lots of good things on the horizon. I have a meeting tomorrow with someone high up in Dallas County that is signing me up to be a preferred vendor for Dallas County which I’m hoping will be huge. I’m being told December is not the best month to start a practice but I’m hopeful things will pick up. I’m still waiting for unemployment to start apparently they do not pay you for months in hopes that you will find a job because you have no food or electricity.. Fortunately, I’m not to that point yet but getting close. Lots of stress around money or lack thereof and stress around what if this doesn’t work out. I have a lot of support in my life emotionally which is helping me get through this period. That and my little friend Wellbutrine. Scary stuff but through it all I remain pretty calm and positive that God is in this and because of that it’s going to work out. I’m thankful for a boyfriend that supports me and encouraged me to do this, a family that has been very positive and encouraging and God for keeping my mind at bay (most of the time). I’ve really been battling some depression.. Partly because my doctor would not refill my anti-depressant because I haven’t been in to see her in so long and partly just because of the tremendous amount of change in my life the last year. Truthfully it’s all been good change but as we all know with change comes discomfort and stress which for me sometimes includes some depression. I’m aware of it and working hard to take action to manage it but once again I’m reminded of just how powerful emotions are and how much I don’t have control over this aspect of my life. I’m not good at taking care of myself I think that’s why I chose this profession. I prefer to help and take care of others. When it comes to me or someone offering me help it’s uncomfortable to me. It’s ironic because I want so badly to be supportive and for people to offer help but then when they do it feels so foreign and uncomfortable. I think that comes back to my low self-esteem and self-worth. At least that’s what I’ve learned in therapy. This is a difficult time for me with all the change and “new” in my life. It’s not bad change or bad “new” it’s just different. So this is my attempt to process my feelings, give everyone a quick update and reflect on all that is my life. I’ve stopped looking at the job thing as a bad thing but an opportunity. That came to me a while back and I finally verbalized it just now. This is truly the start of something new and exciting and I have to remain focused on the big picture and trust and have faith that God has opened these doors and is going to provide. He always has and sometimes I forget that in the midst of all my stress but it’s true he has always taken care of me. I almost opened my own practice about two years ago and if I had done it then I know I would not have been successful but it’s so clear to me that the last year and a half with All American Research has put me in a position with the County to potentially make this work. I ran into a stranger at a birthday party a while back that told me he was in private practice and started his practice doing substance abuse evaluations which I have been doing for years and never thought to include before that conversation. It’s so clear as I type that this is what I’m supposed to do! I’m on the right track and I just have to continue to trust.

Writing is powerful! Much love my friends! ~J