Still Working..

Reminded today of the past. Amazed at how impacted I can be by the simplest of questions and how much power I put behind them or give them. Frustrated that the damage done can so easily carry over into something so good. Angry that there is still work that needs to be done around it and so very tired of the feelings associated with it. Why can’t I answer a simple question without going back to that dark place? Why is there so much shame and guilt when I was the one wronged? Why is it that a victim can be led to feel responsible for the damage inflicted upon them when they truly were innocent or helpless? How does that power so easily transcend in these situations but is so difficult to get when you are doing work to better yourself. Where is my power! I’m pissed that throughout my life I’ve found myself in these situations where I’m victimized but take all the blame and carry it with me. It started with my childhood and being molested by my brother. I’ve WORKED on this for most of my life and the impact and damage it’s done. The messages associated with that abuse and the secrets. I’ve thought several times in my life that I was good had done the work and was healthy and then something happens and I realize wow.. Still some work there to be done. When does it stop? When will I be fixed? Why do I allow myself to be victimized over and over? I’m not weak, I’m not a martyr or a victim in my mind but yet here I am. Why are these insecurities here? Where did they come from? How do I get that feeling of power that feels so good and actually hold onto it?

I think as I write the message I am getting is the work continues and the growth will happen as a result. I’m frustrated and angry at myself for allowing myself to continue to be victimized and even when I land in a good somewhat healthy place that a simple question can bring back all those feelings of shame, guilt and a need to explain myself instead of just a simple acknowledgment and moving on. I don’t like being that emotional person. Emotions are good but why can that take me to such a dark place so quickly. I don’t want to go back to that place and get triggered by something so simple but I don’t know how to not and when I think I’ve got it under control I realize nope. Still work to do!

I’ve known several people in my life that accused, manipulated and used me from childhood and as recently as last year. There are three that stand out not going to list names but these men truly caused damage in my life. Damage that I’ve worked on from childhood and through therapy most of my life. I don’t know if I pick these men because they are familiar and I’m drawn to that sickness or if it’s because I still have work to do around it or what.. I just know that I don’t like thinking of myself as a victim but the truth is these men victimized me. Luckily I got out of these situations/relationships but carry the damage with me still. I like to see myself as a strong individual but the truth is there is still a lot of broken parts to be repaired!

The messages are clear the healing time is not as well as the amount of work required to fix this! Is it possible to recover from this? I want to believe it is but struggle because the trust and the lies have been so convincing a part of me always wants to think it’s just a matter of time and it will happen. Is that energy coming full circle? The shame that I feel when asked a question or need to explain something when there is not even anything to explain is clearly from my past and comes from those messages.

My truth today is that I am a survivor. I’ve survived two very dysfunctional and damaging relationships. I’ve worked through therapy and medication and still need to continue to work. I’ve got to stop allowing those who hurt me to hold that power over me. I need to love myself enough to be weak sometimes and allow others to see that weakness without a shame attack afterwards. I want to believe that I’m worthy of someone’s unconditional love and trust that I can be loved for me and not what I have to offer. I want to feel and believe all these things within myself and not look for them in others. I want to believe that my traditional values and ideations of a relationship can exist and believe that I can be enough for someone just like I can believe someone can be enough for me. I want to trust and be trusted!

Most of all I want to heal…