Continued Growth..

The last few months have been a bit crazy for me to say the least. I’ve spent much time reflecting and identifying things in my life that need to change. These are things I’ve thought I should change for some time now and on occasion have actually attempted to change them but have to say typically change becomes too much work for me or to overwhelming and I fall back into old patterns. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I’ve been consistent with this change for the past few months. I continue to work hard on identifying my own thinking errors and working actively to change those or address them. I’ve jokingly said the last few months have been experimentation and practice for me and what I mean by that is it’s been practice to do something different. To hold back sometimes what I think or feel which most of you know I don’t tend to do that very often. I’ve identified a lot of things from past relationships that didn’t work that I thought worked in the relationship but now that I’ve gotten some distance and some healing around it know that these things are not things I can compromise on. I struggle with those internal messages that I’m not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, don’t make enough money, am not successful enough or that I just don’t have anything to offer. What I’ve discovered is I am enough and that this idea that love is about what I have to offer, give or how much I can do for someone is not what love is. I grew up in a conditional love environment and from my childhood abuse learned at a very early age that positive regard and rewards and good feelings came from what I could do for someone rather than just ME. I’ve learned so much the last few months through reading and journaling and therapy of course about just how much my abuse continues to affect me in my present in so many areas. My goal as become reclaiming my life and not allowing my abuser to continue to have control over me and the decisions I make. To break down those messages programmed into me at an early age and just realize that I am enough that I do have a lot to offer myself and someone else and that I also don’t have to be in a relationship to get that feeling of fulfillment. It’s something I actually need to have on my own in order to be in a healthy relationship. I can honestly say that what I’ve been through has made the person I am today and I’m pretty good with the person I am today. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but for the most part I feel positive and encouraged and have for a few months now and it hasn’t gone away like I feared in the beginning.. I’m happy today I accept that my future is unknown at this time and am at peace with that. It’s a good feeling. I want to continue this journey of growth and learn as much as I can and focus on being the best man I can be. I’ve had a burning desire to write lately and want to publish a book so I’m actively working on an outline and ideas of what I want it to be about. I’m hopeful that someday I will be a published author and what an incredible gift that would be. I’m putting it out there because it’s something I feel passionate about it and am excited about.

Today I’m encouraged, positive and excited about life!

Frustration. Insanity. Bleh

I find myself frustrated once again tonight.. Possible because I continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. For years I have made excuses and justified behaviors for certain people in my life and the older I get the more and more exhausting this becomes. I want to be able to have a reasonable expectations of certain people or persons in my life and for them to put their own selfishness and wants aside for once and be the person they are agreeing to be when they enter into certain situations/obligations. I’m tired of being second and having my needs questioned because of their own personal wants, beliefs, desires. I deserve a little more. I’ve spent much of my life defending and making excuses and I’m exhausted. I reach out and as long as it’s on their terms it’s welcomed but any expectations will almost always lead to a big fat let down. I hope that when I’m in this situation I will handle things different. I believe in choices.. I believe that we all have choices daily and can choose to change or not to change. Why can this person see and show compassion to strangers but not to their own? What’s that about? I’m glad that I didn’t take on this characteristic or make this choice. I’m proud that I’m compassionate and can put others needs above my own. Where I learned this I’m not sure my role models have not been the greatest. I’ve always said they did the best they could and look at where they came from. Well fuck that. I’m tired of being the one that gets the shit end of the stick because I don’t want to rock the boat or hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve spent so much time over the last few years developing good solid friendships and getting rid of the trash but this situation has to be handled differently. I find myself extremely frustrated and angry at the fact that the control seems to be ever present and so real. People that have never met are suddenly concerned about impressions and judgments and that’s just fucked up. I’m exhausted by it all. I feel like my spirit has been pissed on and my energy has been zapped. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I make this choice? I can only change me and hope for others to adjust or change or go away. None of that has happened so far. For once I want to be able to depend on them for unconditional love but yet again I’m reminded their needs are more important than mine or maybe I’m just not worth the trouble it takes to change. Why do even care? What’s this hold? Fuck. Frustrated. Grow up be the person others see in every relationship in your life not just the easy ones. Be an adult, a friend, a sister, a brother a parent. Just fucking do it! Put someone beside yourself first for once! I’m exhausted and good night.