Forgiveness

Today I discovered I have the power. I’ve gotten glimpses of this power in the past but I was reminded today during therapy that it’s up to me to decide what is best for my life. So that said I’m letting go. I’ve held on for a few months to the hope that things would work out all along the way thinking today’s the day that it changes. The truth is if it changed today I’m not sure that I would want it after this amount of time and heart ache. My therapist says I should work on forgiveness which is difficult because I keep avoiding anger because to me if I get angry that means I’m a step closer to acceptance which I don’t feel ready for. However, what I keep reminding myself of is that I deserve better. Not to say that he’s not good enough we just unfortunately aren’t good enough for the other. I’m sad still at the thought of letting go of something I’ve held onto for 10 years. The thought that this opportunity surfaced but yet he couldn’t see it as an opportunity to grow as a couple and individually but rather he choose the easy way and they way he’s chosen most of his life which was to shut down, turn away and avoid the issue. This makes me sad for him and also sad for me. I understand that I’m at fault for my part but I also understand that I’m not totally at fault and that has been a challenge to get to. I’ve been self-destructive and sad long enough and it’s time to let go and move on. So today my goal is to begin to forgive like my therapist has suggested. Both myself and him. I realize that there is life after this and my goal is to get on with mine. I want to be a better person and learn from this experience. I want to work on being happy with me and stop thinking immediately when there is a problem it’s my fault and look at things as they are which is sometimes people have problems and they are just that “their problems” and it’s not my fault and I’m not to blame. I’ve learned a few things about the person I thought I new and all I can say is I still love him and hope the best for him and hopefully one day he will face his demons just like one day I will face mine. There are so many to be faced and I’ve spent a lot of my life dealing with them but I still have more work to do. I’m hopeful for my future and today I decide to end this and wait no longer. Let the journey begin.

I ask myself.. Self??

I find myself asking myself.. “Self how long will it take?” I know more then I need to know about emotions, feelings and insight. The curse of being a therapist. Sad thing is as much as I know I still do dumb shit. I still ignore big red flags and I still manipulate myself into believing things that I am sure are not true! What’s that about? Over the last few months I’ve had lots of time to reflect and think about why I do what I do. I think a lot of it comes from my idea of what a perfect life looks like. I deal with people every day that are so broken from different life experiences and I myself sometimes feel like I over identify with some of my clients. Meaning I too have experienced very similar things in my life and fortunately I haven’t chosen the same path but looking at my life and the way I deal with things I see a lot of similarities. I look at the way I use food, relationships, sex and sometimes alcohol as a means to cope or feel something other then what I’m feeling in that moment. I don’t think I’m aware of it when I’m doing it but getting some distance from it I can see that being the emotional person I am I’ve developed patterns in my life to “shut down” if you will when I’m on overload from it all. I’ve been doing that for weeks now with this break up and again seeing so many red flags and things are making so much more sense now that I’m out of it. Things that didn’t in it and red flags that I ignored and gut feelings that I didn’t listen to and despite all that feeling as if he called today I would drop everything and be anywhere he asked me to be. That’s what love is right? Wrong! That’s what I’ve made it to be. I’ve developed this idea that love is about what I can give and how much I can do for you rather than just about me; who I am and what I have to offer.. Wow.. That’s big.. What a concept. Love isn’t conditional? Love isn’t about works? That’ is completely foreign to me. I associate the condition to my abuse as a kid the messages I heard from my perpetrator and the relationships I witnessed growing up. Is it their fault? Absolutely not but it played a part in why I believe what I believe. I’m not one of those people that think everything is about my childhood but I am one of those people that believe it plays a part and leads to the whys of how we handle things or for me how I handle things. I think again knowing what I know from my training, therapy and MKP that it should all just fall into place but the truth is we (I) have spent a lifetime building behaviors and habits and patterns and it’s completely unrealistic for me to expect that to change in a set amount of time or even when I want it to! So the question to myself is “Self how long will it take”. The answer is I have no friggin idea.. I think that the work never stops. I’ve always believed if I’m not working or struggling towards something then what’s the point.. I also tell my clients STOP enjoy today be happy in the present we spend too much time working towards things and wants and missing out on what we have right in front of us. The grass is always greener right? Wrong. I think about my weight.. I’ve had lipo, weight loss surgery, taken diet pills and have gotten down to a really great size but couldn’t enjoy it because I wanted to lose 10 more pounds.. What the hell is that about? So all this said.. My goal today is to recognize all the greatness in my life from my stuff to my family and friends and enjoy it! I’m tired of waiting, wanting and looking for something or someone to make me happy. Those things help but ultimately it’s my job to be happy with me and the rest is out of my control. I just keep thinking over and over I deserve better and the more I think that the more I begin to believe that. I’m focused today on enjoying my life just as it is!

Disappointed

I’m disappointed that I texted you. I knew I wouldn’t get a response but I justify by thinking it’s just me expressing my feelings and that’s healthy. This is the fourth text in 4 weeks with zero response. Why would this time be any different. It’s not healthy. Nothing about this has been healthy. I’m in DC a city I experienced with you for the first time this time last year and I can’t help but remember all incredible memories we made here. I looked at the photo’s which was a bad idea and was reminded of the laughs and the fun we had. I’m sad that we aren’t together. I’m sad that you won’t talk to me or acknowledge me. I don’t understand. People don’t understand why I can’t let go but how do you let go of someone you have loved for so long and still love. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand how we got to this point and why we can’t work this out. I’m sad tonight. I’m in this incredible town doing incredible work and all I can think about is when we stood on that corner and took that goofy picture and when we rode the metro and took that picture and all the goofy pictures we took in the museums. I’m so sad and I miss you so much... I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t get angry and stay angry long enough to move on but I just keep going back to sadness and want... Want to see you again, hold you and love on you. I have people telling me I deserve better... Maybe I do but I want you. My heart wants you. You clearly don’t want me any longer and that makes me so sad. I have so many questions that I don’t think I’ll ever get the answer to but would it matter? I don’t know. All I know is my heart is broken and I think about you daily and miss you daily. I can’t imagine ever just shutting someone out of my life like you have me and I know its how you deal but I hoped that you would never do it to me... Guess that was silly on my part. I thought I was different and what we had was different but again I was wrong. It was an incredible time and I miss you horribly and feel like I have a part of me missing these days. I miss you and love you and will always! I’m disappointed in you and myself for the way we handled things and sad most of all.