What I'm learning is..

My way is not necessarily the right way. I’m learning that I have faults. Don’t get me wrong I’ve known I’ve had faults for some time now maybe about 32 years or so but to what extent and how many is ever changing. Past few days have been a real struggle for me. I’m going through something personally and also working with a few clients in my practice that also are going through similar situations as I. So I find even at work I can't get away from it. I find myself asking myself questions like is this just something that comes with life or are there just certain things in life we are supposed to experience some more then others. I’m at a place where I have an opportunity if you will to grow or continue to do what I always do which is run.. like the wind! I’m still not sure if I want to lace up and go or settle in and challenge myself. I pushed myself a while back when I went through MKP and it was life changing. The problem is I can only handle so much before I tend to start shutting down. I’m not sure about everyone else but for me this is my truth. I want to be that person that faces fear head on but reality is I’m kind of a chicken shit in that department and tend to not look at it until I’m forced to do so. The problem with that is you or I rather I tend to screw things up and do unnecessary damage along the way. This has shown up in my relationship, my jobs and friendships over and over. I think for me personally I tend to try to do the damage control when maybe there isn’t really any damage to control. My focus has always been on what I need to make me happy and I’m finding that it’s not so much things or someone that can do that for me but something I have to find within myself. Constantly looking for outward gratification through things is exhausting and expensive! Hence my bankruptcy and horrible credit. I also tend to eat. Food is both my friend and my enemy. I love it and I hate it. Sometimes at the same time. I have periods of confidence with my body and times where I love myself and the way I look and other times that I can’t stop the negative talk and inner dialogue. I want to be one of those people that exude good positive energy and happiness all the time. I’m aware that even those people have their struggles but I still envy them. I’m not sure today what direction my life will be heading tomorrow or the next but I truly want to learn to live my life one day at a time and stop worrying so much about the future. I want to be positive and encouraging to others and I believe that I am sometimes but I want to operate in that more rather than less. It feels good to me when I’m positive and encouraged. I’m learning that all the things I think I want are not necessarily the things I need. It’s easy to focus on something rather than myself that might make me happy.. I find myself still thinking maybe this time it’ll be different.. When in fact I need to be different..

I'm Surrounded..

Surrounded by darkness. I’m surrounded by hundreds of pieces of paper in black abd white of what an awful person I am. I’m sad. My shadow is taking over my life and ruining all that is good. I’m a liar, a cheater, a hypocrite. This is what I’m becoming. My front is falling. My reality is present standing right in front of me laid out all over the floor the bed. Sadness. Darkness. Loneliness. Where do I go from here what do I do? How could I let this happen? Who is this person? Why why why screaming out WHY! WHAT THE FUCK! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN! Lost. Ashamed. Sad.

Stepping out of my Comfort Zone and Asking for Help!

Lately my moods have been all over the place. The constant in my life at this time is my employment situation. When the company I worked for closed back in November I stepped out on faith and opened my own practice which honestly has done surprisingly well for a brand new start up center. However, not as well as I need it to do. I'm struggling financially as well as emotionally with wanting this to work and feel like God's hand has been in it from the beginning but not sure what more I need to do to grow it. I've asked for prayer, sought prayer and have been blessed and still I struggle with wondering am I doing the right thing by keeping it going. I find myself getting depressed because of the inconsistancy the financial burden not being able to take care of all my obligations and committments financially and just wanting to often times crawl in a hole and lay there. Which is my bed and I have been doing that a lot. I have so many friend and have not reached out to many of them and want desperatly for them to reach out to me but then when they do I don't answer my phone or find myself making excuses as to why I can't meet up. What's that about? I think it's just that I'm stuck. I'm getting bogged down in the stress of it all and I keep getting feedback from probation officers that is positive and encouraging but then no business for weeks at a time. My groups are dwindling and my phone isn't ringing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I've gotten feedback that clients are loving the treatment and feel like they are getting individualized treatment and not just being stuck in a room with 40 people getting talked at and they are telling their officers who are also reporting back to me. Had a officer tell me today I was setting the standard in professionalism and how much he appreciated it. Aother told me he was impressed that i came in on a Saturday to meet with a client that works every day and couldn't get in any other time.. This is all positive and makes me feel good but where is the consistancy. How to I get there. If things don't turn around for me soon I'll be forced to find something else which is not necessarily a bad thing but I want to work somewhere that treatment is good and effective and so many facilities are just about the numbers. I understand why now but I'm asking for just enough to pay my overhead and a little extra for savings. I'm trying to stay confident and I'm acting confident on the outside but inside I'm screaming for help and wondering what can I do. I'm open to suggestions and welcome feedback. Addiction is such an aweful disease and people need individualized treatment not just cookie cutter services. I want to change the industry and I need all your prayers, thoughts and energy that you can send my way. I also need my friends to call me and push me to get out of my bed and get together for lunch or coffee.. Cheap of course that whole money things is also holding me back. I'm sad that I have two good friends that have helped me out financially in the past and I've had to stop back from my committments to them as well that hurts my self-esteem and makes me sad. I'm not sad to night if this reads this way I just want feedback, suggestions and HELP! I'm not good at asking for help but I need it. If anyone has relationships with EAP's or insurance agencies or non-profits I could work with please keep me in mind. I'm also considering something part-time that would allow me to continue to grow my center. I feel like the possiblities are endless I just have to be patient and do everything in my power to make it happen.. I love you guys and am thankful for the people that have seen me struggling and checked in on me. I tend to disappear and distance myself from everone and everything when I become this overwhelmed. I am offering extremly affordable services so if you or anyone you know needs assistance please have them call me. I'm gong to stay in prayer and continue to fight for what I feel is right. I've worked for to many places that just are money hungry and offer a lousy product and this disease isn't going to get changed that way. I don't want to make a killing I didn't pick this field for the money I just want to make ends meet. I need encouragement and feedback and prayers that I don't self-destruct which is my tendencies! Visit my incredible website that the incredible Mike Thompson created for me. He is incredibliy talanted if you need a site built he's yo man.. Actually he's my man but he can be your designer! Much Love ya'll ~Joseph (www.JosephMassey.com)