Whew....

Whew.. What a crazy few months it has been. With the death of my sister 4/18/09 the end of a six year relationship in March new job in February it’s been something every month! I say this lightly because I’m so close to the edge I might just teeter on over if I don’t keep it light. I would say out of all these things my sisters death was the hardest to deal with and is still in process. Paula was a presence to say the very least. When she was around you new it and she always had a smile on her face and never met a stranger (EVER!) embarrassingly so. She would walk up to complete strangers introduce herself and begin talking to them like she had known them for years. And if this wasn’t well received you had better look out cause she wasn’t the type to back away from a challenge. The darker side of Paula was her addiction and she struggled with it most of her life. Paula was in and out of treatment as recently as December of this past year and ultimately it led to her demise. Autopsy shows her heart stop but in detail she had on two pain patches and had been drinking and the combination of those two things were to much for her heart and it stopped. I got to see her at the hospital after they called her time of death and I have to say it was pretty awful. My friend Dusty handled the funeral arrangements and was able to allow my family time to see her a few days later to get some closure and I was very thankful for that because she looked so much more at peace and just like she was a sleep when we saw her the second time. Dusty did a wonderful job and is truly and incredible friend! After my family left I pretty much loaded up all my feelings and put them in a nice little box and placed them on a shelf in my head and decided I needed to rest. Started back to work probably to quickly but needed to be busy that is how I deal with my issues just stay busy! Don’t think about it. Don’t look back! Crazy I know says the therapist. I have such a problem asking for help from others which is ironic because all I want to do is help others! So some of you have noticed the withdrawal and have called me on it.. Others have given me space and some have been in my face with support. This is all good but again I’m the type that I withdrawal and stuff which again I recognize is not healthy! I’m working on it and working on identifying and dealing with all the feelings around her death. I’ve never lost a sibling before so it’s a first for me and I’m fumbling my way through it. I talk about the stages of grief on a regular basis with my clients and need to take that info and apply it to this situation. The biggest part of me wants to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days but the other part of me says no life goes on and we have to keep going. Sucks! All that said I really just needed to vent. Stress is unavoidable in life and I’ve had my share over the last few months. I miss my sister and if you new her you know why! She was a pain in the butt but wow what an awesome person! The good that has come from the death of my sister is that I have a renewed passion for recovery and helping others through the disease of addiction! It’s such a horrible thing to loose someone and especially if it’s something that can be avoided!

Hug your loved one’s today and tell them how much you love them.. My last conversation with Paula was a great one and I am so very grateful we talked that day and that I made time to take her call.

Life is short… Live it to the fullest!

Thanks for letting me share! ~J

Responsibility for Family Members

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.--Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Prayer:Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.

Bi-Polar

An update for my loyal followers…

Things have been good. My emotions have been all over the place up, down, all around. I’ve got lots of support but at the same time feel like I don’t have any. I’m happy but sad, sad but happy. I feel like some of my friends have taken sides when really there aren’t sides to be taken. I’m sad about that. This is un-chartered territory for me. I find myself reflecting back on good and bad times thinking something is missing but at the same time excited about the peace I feel. I huge part of me wants to skip ahead to the next chapter but I know it’s important to finish this chapter. I listen to disco music and feel happy and want to dance then I flip over to Adele and feel sad and think about love and the future and what it holds. My big sister said something to me a while back at the beginning of this. She said life is better with someone to share it with. That was powerful to me. Simple but powerful. She also said that love hurts and at the time she was in a tremendous amount of pain and said no matter what the pain was worth it and didn’t ever want to love any less. Not sure if any of this makes sense. Does in my mind but I’ve also been up for 17 hours and am exhausted.

I guess my point if I have to make one is things are good. I feel bad that I don’t feel worst but I don’t and things are good. They are different and as I stated up and down but mostly just different which is not a bad thing today.

I’m hopeful about the future. I hope things work out the way I think they should and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that all this has been for a reason and I’m thanking God for keeping his protection over me and for putting people in my life that support me and love me and for his amazing humor! Yes God has a sense of humor!

I hope the timing is right this time!

With that I’m out! Reading back over this I think maybe I’m bi-polar! J

Peace Out! ~J