two weeks later

So it's been a while since my last post. Most of you have gotten updates and I've been trying to not vomit my emotions and feelings on you all but I'm afraid I probably have. This has been a very difficult few weeks for me. Chris is still in the house he will be moving out the 28th. I have a roomate setup to move in around that same time so that worked out great and he's an awesome guy so I'm excited! I find myself the last few days really trying to stay away from that big rock I want to crawl under. A couple of my friends.. You know who you are! have gently called me on my disappearing act over the last few days. I honestly am just exhausted by it all. I feel like I've talked and talked and talked and now I just want to be quiet. I am still strong in the decision but the future is so scary. I feel very vulnerable most days and when I start talking about my feelings it is uncomfortable. I have a lot on my plate right now with the house and bills and the thought of being alone the rest of my life! Yes.. I've thought that on more then on occassion. The good news is i'm ok with it. Really I am. I don't want that but I would be ok with it. It's scary thinking about dating and romance and SEX after being in a relationship for 6 years. I've gotten very comfortable in the last 6 years and the thought of doing that again with someone else is exhausting! and a little exciting.. Time heals all I keep hearing so we shall see. Thanks for all the support and love.. Keep it coming!

Untitled

Today I find myself thinking about the future. What’s next? How do I go on from here? What do I do first? These are just a few of my questions. Chris and I made the decision this weekend to separate which has been really difficult for us both. I don’t want to go into detail but it was a mutual decision and one we feel is in the best interest of us both. I find myself feeling all sorts of emotions and am trying my best to sort through them as they arise, feel them, acknowledge them and keep moving forward. I’m honestly not sure where to start but am going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m sad that I’m loosing a partner but happy that I’m keeping a friend. I’m scared to be alone and worried I might not be relationship material or that I might be alone the rest of my life. I know that in life things good and bad come our way I’ve experienced this and am sure everyone else has and I feel it’s what you do with the experience and how you carry yourself afterwards that really defines our character. I’m trying my very best to do this with dignity and character and not disappear like I desperately would like to do at this moment! I’m asking for prayer for both Chris and I as we make this transition in our lives.

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . when in the midst
Of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere
the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or
struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind
tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink
back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world
through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to
stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety
and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with
the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and
that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for
that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin
with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will
always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are . . . and
that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you
learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and, in the process, a
sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you
(or didn't do for you,) and you learn that the only thing you can really
count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they
mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you
and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to
take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety & security is
born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as
they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in
the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize
that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a
result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your
psyche. You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how
you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what
you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where
you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep
with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance
of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you
begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to
discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into
to begin with ,and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is
power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering
through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that
principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a
by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must
build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save
the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish
between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting
boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to
bare is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the
stake.

Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how
to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk
away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a
relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more
lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that
bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not
as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations
and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with
love. And you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your
terms.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror
and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a
perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head
and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing
things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of
entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and
to ask for the things that you want--and that sometimes it is necessary to
make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,
kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you decide you won't settle for
less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to
glorify you with his or her touch . . . and in the process you internalize
the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care
for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet,
drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue
diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take
more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you
deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that
Wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need
direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do
it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber
baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through
your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to
give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And
you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud
of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't
always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to
unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize
things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your
prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You
learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be
understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and
poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to
building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things
We take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can
only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a
long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you
make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle
for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your
window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep
smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful
possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin
to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Author Unknown