Hopeful..Sad..Angry.. All The Above

Find myself feeling all these things as well as a few more. Frustrated that someone else's actions can effect so many others lives. I'm hopeful for the best possible outcome and that my higher power will continue to keep his hand over this situation and his will be done. I can't imagine a life without at this point or in this case a few years and amazed at how quickly things can change. I've been blessed with so much. My practice, my relationship, my home and so much more. I'm grateful for a love like no other and the joy it brings me. Trying to keep positive and focused on making the best of the time and believing we can get through this. Frustrated at people's idiotic unsolicited feedback and input and know these are seeds planted that do not need to be watered! I'm happy and sad all at the same time. If you've been there or here you understand. If not be thankful. I trust that it's all going to be ok and that I/We will only be stronger in the long run! I'm practicing something I learned a few years ago. "Trust the Process"

Grateful & Thankful Today

Feeling thankful and grateful today and thought I'd take a minute to write about it. The last few years have been crazy between breakups and new relationships and more breakups. Truly some of my darkest hours I think. I've met an incredible guy have been dating for six months now and things are somewhat calm in my life which is nice. I'm thankful for this wonderful man and the excitement he brings to my life. I'm thankful for a job that I love and has continued to sustain me financially and emotionally while going through all this change. I'm thankful for friends and family that love and support me through just about everything and every decision I make. I realize often when talking to clients how easy it is to get focused on the negative and the things we are missing in our life and catch myself doing the same often. I always encourage them to change this and is something I work towards myself. I feel like I've grown closer to God spiritually through all this and am happy about that! I've spent a lot of time in reflection the last few years as well as a lot of time running from emotions and feelings and am happy to say I'm well on my way to recovery in that aspect. I keep reminding myself it's ok to feel what I need to feel it's not ok to stay stuck in it for to long. Overall I'm feeling like I've learned and grown not necessarily by choice but glad that I walked through the pain and into the healing. I've thought several times just this week how short life is and how time seems to be going by so very quickly with age and that time spent in negative energy or sadness can consume that time if one's not careful. I choose to focus on the things I have in my life to be grateful for and thankful for rather then the things I'm missing today! Sending out positive love and energy in hopes it comes full circle! If you are stuck in the negative today it's as easy as making a decision to change it and that decision happens instantly. Also, something I heard a while back that I really liked and stood out which I will share in closing. Once you make a decision its instant and you follow through. Decisions don't have to be a long drawn out process and shouldn't be. Love to all be sure to love on your mom's this weekend! I will be missing mine but hopefully will see her soon!

Still Working..

Reminded today of the past. Amazed at how impacted I can be by the simplest of questions and how much power I put behind them or give them. Frustrated that the damage done can so easily carry over into something so good. Angry that there is still work that needs to be done around it and so very tired of the feelings associated with it. Why can’t I answer a simple question without going back to that dark place? Why is there so much shame and guilt when I was the one wronged? Why is it that a victim can be led to feel responsible for the damage inflicted upon them when they truly were innocent or helpless? How does that power so easily transcend in these situations but is so difficult to get when you are doing work to better yourself. Where is my power! I’m pissed that throughout my life I’ve found myself in these situations where I’m victimized but take all the blame and carry it with me. It started with my childhood and being molested by my brother. I’ve WORKED on this for most of my life and the impact and damage it’s done. The messages associated with that abuse and the secrets. I’ve thought several times in my life that I was good had done the work and was healthy and then something happens and I realize wow.. Still some work there to be done. When does it stop? When will I be fixed? Why do I allow myself to be victimized over and over? I’m not weak, I’m not a martyr or a victim in my mind but yet here I am. Why are these insecurities here? Where did they come from? How do I get that feeling of power that feels so good and actually hold onto it?

I think as I write the message I am getting is the work continues and the growth will happen as a result. I’m frustrated and angry at myself for allowing myself to continue to be victimized and even when I land in a good somewhat healthy place that a simple question can bring back all those feelings of shame, guilt and a need to explain myself instead of just a simple acknowledgment and moving on. I don’t like being that emotional person. Emotions are good but why can that take me to such a dark place so quickly. I don’t want to go back to that place and get triggered by something so simple but I don’t know how to not and when I think I’ve got it under control I realize nope. Still work to do!

I’ve known several people in my life that accused, manipulated and used me from childhood and as recently as last year. There are three that stand out not going to list names but these men truly caused damage in my life. Damage that I’ve worked on from childhood and through therapy most of my life. I don’t know if I pick these men because they are familiar and I’m drawn to that sickness or if it’s because I still have work to do around it or what.. I just know that I don’t like thinking of myself as a victim but the truth is these men victimized me. Luckily I got out of these situations/relationships but carry the damage with me still. I like to see myself as a strong individual but the truth is there is still a lot of broken parts to be repaired!

The messages are clear the healing time is not as well as the amount of work required to fix this! Is it possible to recover from this? I want to believe it is but struggle because the trust and the lies have been so convincing a part of me always wants to think it’s just a matter of time and it will happen. Is that energy coming full circle? The shame that I feel when asked a question or need to explain something when there is not even anything to explain is clearly from my past and comes from those messages.

My truth today is that I am a survivor. I’ve survived two very dysfunctional and damaging relationships. I’ve worked through therapy and medication and still need to continue to work. I’ve got to stop allowing those who hurt me to hold that power over me. I need to love myself enough to be weak sometimes and allow others to see that weakness without a shame attack afterwards. I want to believe that I’m worthy of someone’s unconditional love and trust that I can be loved for me and not what I have to offer. I want to feel and believe all these things within myself and not look for them in others. I want to believe that my traditional values and ideations of a relationship can exist and believe that I can be enough for someone just like I can believe someone can be enough for me. I want to trust and be trusted!

Most of all I want to heal…

Continued Growth..

The last few months have been a bit crazy for me to say the least. I’ve spent much time reflecting and identifying things in my life that need to change. These are things I’ve thought I should change for some time now and on occasion have actually attempted to change them but have to say typically change becomes too much work for me or to overwhelming and I fall back into old patterns. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I’ve been consistent with this change for the past few months. I continue to work hard on identifying my own thinking errors and working actively to change those or address them. I’ve jokingly said the last few months have been experimentation and practice for me and what I mean by that is it’s been practice to do something different. To hold back sometimes what I think or feel which most of you know I don’t tend to do that very often. I’ve identified a lot of things from past relationships that didn’t work that I thought worked in the relationship but now that I’ve gotten some distance and some healing around it know that these things are not things I can compromise on. I struggle with those internal messages that I’m not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, don’t make enough money, am not successful enough or that I just don’t have anything to offer. What I’ve discovered is I am enough and that this idea that love is about what I have to offer, give or how much I can do for someone is not what love is. I grew up in a conditional love environment and from my childhood abuse learned at a very early age that positive regard and rewards and good feelings came from what I could do for someone rather than just ME. I’ve learned so much the last few months through reading and journaling and therapy of course about just how much my abuse continues to affect me in my present in so many areas. My goal as become reclaiming my life and not allowing my abuser to continue to have control over me and the decisions I make. To break down those messages programmed into me at an early age and just realize that I am enough that I do have a lot to offer myself and someone else and that I also don’t have to be in a relationship to get that feeling of fulfillment. It’s something I actually need to have on my own in order to be in a healthy relationship. I can honestly say that what I’ve been through has made the person I am today and I’m pretty good with the person I am today. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but for the most part I feel positive and encouraged and have for a few months now and it hasn’t gone away like I feared in the beginning.. I’m happy today I accept that my future is unknown at this time and am at peace with that. It’s a good feeling. I want to continue this journey of growth and learn as much as I can and focus on being the best man I can be. I’ve had a burning desire to write lately and want to publish a book so I’m actively working on an outline and ideas of what I want it to be about. I’m hopeful that someday I will be a published author and what an incredible gift that would be. I’m putting it out there because it’s something I feel passionate about it and am excited about.

Today I’m encouraged, positive and excited about life!

Frustration. Insanity. Bleh

I find myself frustrated once again tonight.. Possible because I continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. For years I have made excuses and justified behaviors for certain people in my life and the older I get the more and more exhausting this becomes. I want to be able to have a reasonable expectations of certain people or persons in my life and for them to put their own selfishness and wants aside for once and be the person they are agreeing to be when they enter into certain situations/obligations. I’m tired of being second and having my needs questioned because of their own personal wants, beliefs, desires. I deserve a little more. I’ve spent much of my life defending and making excuses and I’m exhausted. I reach out and as long as it’s on their terms it’s welcomed but any expectations will almost always lead to a big fat let down. I hope that when I’m in this situation I will handle things different. I believe in choices.. I believe that we all have choices daily and can choose to change or not to change. Why can this person see and show compassion to strangers but not to their own? What’s that about? I’m glad that I didn’t take on this characteristic or make this choice. I’m proud that I’m compassionate and can put others needs above my own. Where I learned this I’m not sure my role models have not been the greatest. I’ve always said they did the best they could and look at where they came from. Well fuck that. I’m tired of being the one that gets the shit end of the stick because I don’t want to rock the boat or hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve spent so much time over the last few years developing good solid friendships and getting rid of the trash but this situation has to be handled differently. I find myself extremely frustrated and angry at the fact that the control seems to be ever present and so real. People that have never met are suddenly concerned about impressions and judgments and that’s just fucked up. I’m exhausted by it all. I feel like my spirit has been pissed on and my energy has been zapped. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I make this choice? I can only change me and hope for others to adjust or change or go away. None of that has happened so far. For once I want to be able to depend on them for unconditional love but yet again I’m reminded their needs are more important than mine or maybe I’m just not worth the trouble it takes to change. Why do even care? What’s this hold? Fuck. Frustrated. Grow up be the person others see in every relationship in your life not just the easy ones. Be an adult, a friend, a sister, a brother a parent. Just fucking do it! Put someone beside yourself first for once! I’m exhausted and good night.

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived GingerMan

This weekend I spent most of the weekend home as well as today and had plenty of time to reflect and think about where I am in my life at the moment. This year has been a challenging year to say the least. November will be a year that I opened my business and although it’s been challenging and continues to be all and all it’s been pretty successful. I’m still not in a comfortable place just do to the inconsistency of it but to be able to open up and have a steady stream of clients speaks volumes. I’m still looking and considering something part-time for a steady income but nothing has come my way yet.

One thing it’s given me is a tremendous amount of time which anyone that knows me knows this is not a good thing for me. Today I had a thought that maybe God put me in this situation and gave me this time to reflect and heal which I have to say I’ve done more reflecting then healing I think.. My time has not been spent doing productive things. It started out productive but know I’ve just gotten in the bad habit of staying up late and sleeping until I have to get up and be somewhere. Some might call this depression I choose to call it poor time management.

What I’m learning about myself is that I can be alone and ok. I spent a few months being a little wild and crazy (for me anyways) and feel like things are settling down again. I’ve started running and losing weight and feeling good about myself. I’m trying to listen to the feedback I’m getting from people and practicing thought dropping to rid myself of the negative thinking and critical thinking errors I have about myself, my body and my life at the moment. This has all been productive and healthy in my opinion. I still have good days and bad but the good days are becoming more then the bad which is good!

I’ve learned that I don’t want to settle. I’ve been there and done that and I’m walking around with my eyes wide open these days. I know what I want and am willing to wait as long as necessary and if I don’t get it then I’ll be ok.. I couldn’t say that a few months ago. I’ve learned that I’m worth so much more then I give myself credit for and that I have a lot to offer to my clients, friends, family and ultimately a partner. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger the last few months and for this I’m thankful and proud!

For me not having a job that I go to set hours every day and getting a regular paycheck every two weeks is a challenge. I’m about focusing and moving up career wise and this past year has taught me that risk are worth taking and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I’ll survive. Luckily for the most part it’s working pretty well.

Today I’m still struggling with the time and feeling alone at times but realizing that it’s ok to feel that embrace it and tomorrow brings a new day. I’m ok where I am. I’m content and engaged in my life and excited about what the future holds. I realize I’m not in control and although frustrating at times I want to trust the process. Learning to change my thinking and actions has been difficult and continues to be difficult but for each thinking error I let go of I feel like I grow that much stronger as a person.

I’m encouraged today and focused on being the best counselor, brother, son, friend and boyfriend (someday) I can be. I choose to believe that I am both lovable and capable of love and worthy of incredible things. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to focus on that and not the other junk. My goal is to clean house emotionally and change some of my ways. I’m also going to clean out my closet and garage! Just seems right..

Much Love! ~J

Forgiveness

Today I discovered I have the power. I’ve gotten glimpses of this power in the past but I was reminded today during therapy that it’s up to me to decide what is best for my life. So that said I’m letting go. I’ve held on for a few months to the hope that things would work out all along the way thinking today’s the day that it changes. The truth is if it changed today I’m not sure that I would want it after this amount of time and heart ache. My therapist says I should work on forgiveness which is difficult because I keep avoiding anger because to me if I get angry that means I’m a step closer to acceptance which I don’t feel ready for. However, what I keep reminding myself of is that I deserve better. Not to say that he’s not good enough we just unfortunately aren’t good enough for the other. I’m sad still at the thought of letting go of something I’ve held onto for 10 years. The thought that this opportunity surfaced but yet he couldn’t see it as an opportunity to grow as a couple and individually but rather he choose the easy way and they way he’s chosen most of his life which was to shut down, turn away and avoid the issue. This makes me sad for him and also sad for me. I understand that I’m at fault for my part but I also understand that I’m not totally at fault and that has been a challenge to get to. I’ve been self-destructive and sad long enough and it’s time to let go and move on. So today my goal is to begin to forgive like my therapist has suggested. Both myself and him. I realize that there is life after this and my goal is to get on with mine. I want to be a better person and learn from this experience. I want to work on being happy with me and stop thinking immediately when there is a problem it’s my fault and look at things as they are which is sometimes people have problems and they are just that “their problems” and it’s not my fault and I’m not to blame. I’ve learned a few things about the person I thought I new and all I can say is I still love him and hope the best for him and hopefully one day he will face his demons just like one day I will face mine. There are so many to be faced and I’ve spent a lot of my life dealing with them but I still have more work to do. I’m hopeful for my future and today I decide to end this and wait no longer. Let the journey begin.