It's Time..

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged so thought I’d make a quick entry before bed. Things are crazy in my world in regards to my business. Still open and trying to make a go of it and am doing ok have some clients still not where I need to be. Just had a good prayers session and I still feel like God opened these doors and the timing was so perfect that it’s going to work out I just have to be patient and keep showing up and marketing of course. Today I helped an older women who I literally watched run into a tree coming around a corner. I was able to pull over and help her out and sat with her for about an hour. She was such a sweet heart. I realized how fragile and delicate this life is and how we need to truly live each day. I’m not so great at this. I think I take time for granted because I feel young and feel like I’m still 20 years old and have so much future ahead of myself. Luckily the lady was ok she had some pretty intense burns from the air bags but considering the way the car looked she was very lucky that was all her injuries. I’m realizing that this time I have on my hands can be dangerous for me. I friend I met recently shared a story with me about how sometimes God take all distraction out of our way and we are forced to be quiet and still and how horribly uncomfortable it is for us or me at least. I have never been good at having lots of free time and time to spend in my head. I’m a depressed personality believe it or not and depression is something I’ve struggled with since about age 17 but probably before then. I’ve spend from age 18 to 32 on and off medications for depression during different periods of my life and I believe that medication has helped me dramatically. I don’t believe it is the solution and a cure all and for me that couldn’t be more true. So that all said this time thing really messes with me. I find myself thinking and going places in my head that I don’t need to go and wouldn’t normally if I had things to keep myself busy. I’m going to a retreat at the end of May and I’m scared to death about it and I think the anxiety of that has really been weighing on me as well. I’m not one to give up control or put myself in a situation that I might not have control or a way out and the hardest part about committing to this weekend is they don’t tell you anything about it. You have to go in with an open mind and “trust the process” as they say. This scares the holy hell out of me but I’m at a point in my life that I feel it’s necessary for me as a person, boyfriend, child and therapist to look at the ghost in my closet and deal with some of the childhood issues that seem to creep up on my at the weirdest of times. I had a challenging childhood like most and spent a lot of time in therapy as a result. I was sexually abused for several years and as a result have a lot of issues around my own esteem, worth, identity and for me this stuff tends to pop up in relationships and in situations where I feel like I might not have control because the abuse for me equaled loss of control and as a result I have become a control freak and perfectionist! Imagine. I’ve worked on this issue off and on for years and feel like for the most part I’ve got it managed and I can talk about it and share it with people with out crying or feeling violated all over again which is something I couldn’t do for years. This weekend for me is about addressing some of that darkness and trying to heal my soul and hopefully that will translate into all the area’s of my life. These men that I’ve met that have been through the weekend will not tell you what it is about but they all have this peace and sensitivity about them that I want. I’m tired of struggling with my issues and tired of them coming out sideways and it leading to trust issues and things that really make no sense to me. I’m 32 and realizing that I still have a lot of work to do around something that happened before I was 12. 20 years later I’m still dealing with the effects. My prayer tonight was that God just open my heart and mind and allow me to begin to heal these wounds and be the person I want to be and others can see in me. I hold back often and am uncomfortable but mask it with humor and wit and sarcasm.. Imagine! It’s my defense mechanism and its finely tuned! I’m thankful for the God I serve and that in these times He is a peaceful spirit that I need to keep me grounded. I’m thankful for the people that have come into my life in the last year that have loved me and shown me that there is more to life you just have to “trust the process”. I’m a firm believer that change comes with much work and energy and I’m willing to put my energy into changing me. My commitment is to myself to be the best I can be to work on the things I dislike about myself and to stop running from the fear and discomfort I feel. It’s time.

Heavy Times

I find myself in a weird dark place today. I've started this adventure with my outpatient facility which all in all is going well. I'm still not at the point that I need to be in order to pay my bills but it's growing slowly. Also this week will be the one year anniversary of Paula's death my sister. 4/18 will be one year to the day. I find myself feeling overwhelmed and sad thinking about it and trying to figure out why I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness the last few days possibly week. I think that is a big part of it even though I just put that together today. I also am fearful about my job and that I won't be able to support myself. I keep reminding myself God has always provided for me and I just have to have faith but I find most of the time that's easier said then done. I do good somedays but when I'm feeling down in general it's hard for me to keep that in mind. The truth is he has always provided for me and I've always been ok and I'm sure this will be no different. Being out of work and building this practice has taken a lot from me emotionally and I'm finding working alone all the time I have no outlet for what's going on with me and to process the junk I collect from others daily. I work hard to practice what I've been taught as far as leaving the stuff behind and not taking it on personally but it's hard for me not to sometimes. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't feel worse when I hear some of the things I hear but I think it's a protection skill i've developed and would imagine most therapist have to develop. I'm also realizing just how vulnerable I feel not having a steady schedule or paycheck and how much it affects me on so many levels. I told someone recently I feel very alone these days and one of the things I tell my clients is a sign of depression is if you feel alone even when you are surrounded by people. I feel that way lately. Maybe I need to adjust my medication! :) Seriously just a lot going on with me all the major life area's pretty much and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do to make it better but tired of feeling crummy. Sorry this isn't more upbeat just feeling pretty funky today. I'm meeting with one of my crazy (affectionatly of course) clients today so I'm sure that will help lift my spirits. His craziness usually makes me laugh. Hoping my day get's better and this week get's better. I'm really missing my sister today. I've said it before she was my family in Dallas and since she's been gone I feel like I'm here by myself. May not make sense to anyone but it does to me. I'm going to try to focus my energy on positive things today and am hoping after writing this out I will feel a little less heavy. With that I'm out.