Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived GingerMan

This weekend I spent most of the weekend home as well as today and had plenty of time to reflect and think about where I am in my life at the moment. This year has been a challenging year to say the least. November will be a year that I opened my business and although it’s been challenging and continues to be all and all it’s been pretty successful. I’m still not in a comfortable place just do to the inconsistency of it but to be able to open up and have a steady stream of clients speaks volumes. I’m still looking and considering something part-time for a steady income but nothing has come my way yet.

One thing it’s given me is a tremendous amount of time which anyone that knows me knows this is not a good thing for me. Today I had a thought that maybe God put me in this situation and gave me this time to reflect and heal which I have to say I’ve done more reflecting then healing I think.. My time has not been spent doing productive things. It started out productive but know I’ve just gotten in the bad habit of staying up late and sleeping until I have to get up and be somewhere. Some might call this depression I choose to call it poor time management.

What I’m learning about myself is that I can be alone and ok. I spent a few months being a little wild and crazy (for me anyways) and feel like things are settling down again. I’ve started running and losing weight and feeling good about myself. I’m trying to listen to the feedback I’m getting from people and practicing thought dropping to rid myself of the negative thinking and critical thinking errors I have about myself, my body and my life at the moment. This has all been productive and healthy in my opinion. I still have good days and bad but the good days are becoming more then the bad which is good!

I’ve learned that I don’t want to settle. I’ve been there and done that and I’m walking around with my eyes wide open these days. I know what I want and am willing to wait as long as necessary and if I don’t get it then I’ll be ok.. I couldn’t say that a few months ago. I’ve learned that I’m worth so much more then I give myself credit for and that I have a lot to offer to my clients, friends, family and ultimately a partner. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger the last few months and for this I’m thankful and proud!

For me not having a job that I go to set hours every day and getting a regular paycheck every two weeks is a challenge. I’m about focusing and moving up career wise and this past year has taught me that risk are worth taking and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I’ll survive. Luckily for the most part it’s working pretty well.

Today I’m still struggling with the time and feeling alone at times but realizing that it’s ok to feel that embrace it and tomorrow brings a new day. I’m ok where I am. I’m content and engaged in my life and excited about what the future holds. I realize I’m not in control and although frustrating at times I want to trust the process. Learning to change my thinking and actions has been difficult and continues to be difficult but for each thinking error I let go of I feel like I grow that much stronger as a person.

I’m encouraged today and focused on being the best counselor, brother, son, friend and boyfriend (someday) I can be. I choose to believe that I am both lovable and capable of love and worthy of incredible things. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to focus on that and not the other junk. My goal is to clean house emotionally and change some of my ways. I’m also going to clean out my closet and garage! Just seems right..

Much Love! ~J